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Dear Cali Chica:

You can undo it. This understandable, valid, long term anger can be released, its repressed force expressed and that release will allow affection and love to be your natural state.

Not much is more hurtful for a child of any age to believe: I am so important to my mother, I am her everything… and then to face the truth: oh, I was not important, I was not her everything, not even close. Oh, I was not much to her, not important at all. Oh, she is okay without me after all, oh, I gave my all based on a false belief… how did you put it yourself not long ago… you wrote that you were fooled by her, or tricked… tricked to believe you were important to her, while you were not.

It may be time to resume the exercise, today or tomorrow, when you are ready. But this time, see to  it that your language is simple, like a young child’s, short sentences, basic words, nothing fancy, nothing elaborate, no psych terms that you learned later on, nothing academic, just guttural kind of language. It will take calming or centering before starting, making sure you are not aiming at performing, not caring how you sound or appear on the screen. Be that young girl, be her and tell it like it is, the unpleasant stuff, the hurt, the anger. If nothing much comes to mind, tell just a little, little things, the flower may be a starting point.

anita

Tell me, little Cali Chica, about that flower you gave your mother, why you gave it to her, do you remember?

anita

You gave her a flower, tell me about her face, how her face looks like when you give her the flower

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

I hope to continue the exercise tomorrow because I need to be away from the computer soon for the day and will be back Thursday morning (I will keep the computer on for the next hour and check before I turn it off).

Feel free to post again, continue the exercise on your own any time you feel like it. When relaxed, maybe when emotional, let your fingers type away using a child’s language. With practice it will become more comfortable.

I will read anything you add tomorrow and reply then. Please be good to yourself this evening, and have the strength to endure your husband’s struggles today, not adding to it at all. Say nothing much to him, give him space, don’t initiate a conversation, respond kindly to him if he starts a conversation, mostly letting him talk. Contain your distress and appear as calm as you can in his presence.

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

As I read “someone says gosh we need to go a little faster, so BAM full throttle!”- I was thinking about your husband asking you to make the bed before you leave for work, clear the dishes otherwise, keep the place fairly organized; your response, full throttle, cleaning and scrubbing and making the place look perfect… or getting angry and doing nothing, leaving it all be as is, bed unmade, dishes in the sink.

“She wants to scream SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Let me be”- so when your husband makes a reasonable request of you, you get angry a lot, because you… are not used to reasonable requests in your home of origin, so you react unreasonably to a reasonable request because it feels unreasonable.

Makes sense?

anita

Dear Cali Chica:

Yes, purposefully do not go full throttle. Ask yourself: is this a reasonable request? If logically you think it may be a reasonable request, even if you are already angry, control yourself and fulfil that request in a reasonable way. He told you he doesn’t want the place scrubbed, so don’t do that. Simply make the bed before leaving for work and clear the sink from dishes, then place a few items strewn about where they belong and leave for work. To make it easier, keep the place organized before going to bed. It will not take you much time at all.

anita