“You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.” ~Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children
When I first met my husband, when he had just started medical school at a large university, I thought he was just insecure. I believed that he would grow out of his need to be the center of attention, receive constant validation, and appear correct and knowledgeable about everything.
I believed he would become surer of himself and would develop the capacity to listen, love, and be empathetic.
I humored him by listening to him talk, I tried to help boost his self-esteem by giving him compliments and asking him questions I already knew the answer to, and I expressed pride in his accomplishments.
His lack of empathy was a concern, but he told me that this is how people in his culture are, and I believed him. I convinced myself that he would get to a place in his life where he would have space for me. I continued to love and support him despite how he treated me.
As years passed, I began to think that he had Asperger’s. This explained why he lacked empathy and why he behaved the way he did, didn’t it? When I brought this up with him, he got angry and convinced me that I was the problem in our relationship. He even managed to convince our marriage counselor of this.
I continued to support and listen to everything he had to say, although he rarely reciprocated. When I would bring this up as a concern, he would state that he knew how I would respond because I’m a liberal, and they always respond like X or think like Y.
In social situations he would demean me and make fun of me, and then call me too sensitive and ask me why I couldn’t take a joke.
He would justify his actions by saying he thought people would find it funny, even though he was insulting me. When I was firm about the fact that I would not tolerate this behavior, he went out of his way to ensure that I felt invisible. When I brought this up with him, he would tell me that I was boring.
I was tolerant of this behavior because I grew up in an abusive home, so verbal abuse felt normal.
I did so much work preparing for social gatherings in the hopes of hosting a fun evening with my friends, but it always ended the same way: with my husband being the center of attention and impeding others from talking and connecting.
After these events, my friends would often feel hurt about something he said or did. I would bring this up with him, and he would play the victim and tell me that they didn’t have the right to an apology because of what they said or did to him.
Many times my friends and family would tell me to leave him and would try and show me how his behavior was hurting me, but I wasn’t ready to see it. I didn’t believe them because he had convinced me that I deserved to be treated poorly.
He burned bridges with my friends and family, and I found myself justifying his actions in an attempt to keep the peace. In order to save these relationships, I asked my friends and family if they felt comfortable around him, and if they didn’t, I would spend time with them when he wasn’t around. This hurt, but these relationships meant so much to me that I could not afford to lose them.
Whenever I tried to assert boundaries, we would fight, and he’d blame me for trying to set boundaries that went across his. I started surrendering space to him and giving in, even though it hurt, because it felt better than fighting.
I started to become used to not being seen, not being able to have boundaries, not being treated with dignity and respect. I became used to feeling shut down and drained.
I looked forward to times he worked out of town so that I could get enough sleep, be alone with my thoughts, do what I needed to do for my health and well-being, and start to feel like myself again.
The Realization
One day as I was doing research for my PhD, I came across an article on personality. As I read about narcissistic personality disorder, it hit me like a wave of understanding. He does not have Asperger’s; he is a narcissist. This explains his lack of empathy, his inability to love people, and his inability to be present in situations.
It explained why he has to be the center of attention—because he needs something called “narcissistic supply” to feel whole. Narcissistic supply can be thought of as a drug in the form of social admiration and attention.
This explained why he always picked fights and/or tried to make me feel down on my birthday, my convocation, and other events that meant a lot to me. It explained why he would leave events that didn’t allow him to be the center of attention and sulk and go on and on about how bored he was.
His NPD explains why he cannot be present with me and why he has to go on and on about anything and at the same time nothing. It also explains why trying to connect with him means putting on an invisibility cloak and giving him all my attention and energy.
The more I read about NPD, the more I began to understand my husband. The literature indicates that people with NPD do not change and do not feel that they have a problem. Adults with NPD have been described as “children who are forever emotionally trapped.” Therapy is not often successful for people with NPD, if they are even willing to go.
Spouses of people with NPD are encouraged to end the relationship as safely as they can. I know from my own experience that leaving is not always possible and is much more complex than the abuse itself.
If you are like me, the thought of giving up on another person can be heartbreaking. Sometimes giving up on a relationship can feel like giving up on a part of yourself. So hope, empathy, and compassion propel the relationship onward.
Also, the thought of being alone can be terrifying. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist long enough, you need time to gain confidence and reclaim your self-esteem.
If your relationship has been like mine, you have likely been told that you are incompetent, that you are incapable of caring for yourself, and maybe a part of you believes these lies. So don’t rush unless you are in physical danger. Then please, for your own safety, get out! Give yourself time and trust that you will know how to move your life forward.
I have taken the advice of these authors and have created a life for myself away from my spouse. I engage in meaningful hobbies, have friendships outside the relationship, and take time for myself every day to meditate and recharge. I have stopped feeling guilty for excluding him from parts of my life. This is what I have to do, and I am reasonably happy.
The more I read and learn about NPD, the more I start to grieve. I grieve for the person I thought he was and what I hoped he would become. I grieve for the relationship I longed for, a relationship with empathy, reciprocity, support, and shared space both physically and ideologically.
Slowly, I have forgiven myself for enabling him, for giving him supply, and for subjecting my friends and family to his behavior, and I’ve stopped blaming myself for the issues in our relationship.
Relationships involve more than one person, and both parties are responsible for what arises. Sadly, spouses of people with NPD often carry all the responsibility for the relationship.
I have stopped telling him sensitive things about my life because he uses them to bring me down or as a source of narcissistic supply. I don’t owe him access to my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Also, I am in the process of acknowledging the role my past played in this relationship.
Growing up in a home with verbally abusive parents, I never learned to love or respect myself. Verbal abuse was a normal part of my daily life. As a result, I was conditioned to accept derogation, living without healthy boundaries, and being treated without dignity and respect. Because of my past, I was blind to abuse.
The future will be different; it has to be. For the first time in our relationship of over fifteen years, I see my husband for who he really is, not who he has led me to believe he was.
As I see him, I try to have empathy for him. I have learned that people with NPD feel empty inside when they are not seeking supply, and beneath the façade they try so desperately to protect is a person who feels insecure, a person who does not love themselves and is ashamed of who they really are, although they will never admit this to anyone, not even themselves.
I don’t know what I want to do about the relationship, so I’m giving myself time and permission to reflect and grow. My downfall is that I don’t like to give up on people, but sometimes you need to give up on someone because, if you don’t, it means giving up on yourself.
I can’t live my life on edge. I can’t be either invisible or demeaned and insulted on a daily basis, and I will not go on feeling sleep-deprived, shut down, and in a state of physical and psychological distress.
For Anyone Who’s in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Know it is not your fault.
You are not too sensitive or needy. You have been told these things by a person who cannot feel deeply the way you do.
Trust yourself.
People may have told you to leave, but you need to trust yourself to know what is right for you, and when. In time, you will know.
Educate yourself.
Read books and articles on NPD; there are many helpful resources available, such as the Gray Rock method, which allows me to protect my time.
Find support.
Your friends and family might not understand what you are going through because narcissists often wear a mask, and the person they are in public can be very different from who they are behind closed doors.
Seek out support from a therapist who has experience with narcissistic emotional abuse. This individual can provide you with coping strategies, education, and resources that will make your life a little better.
If this isn’t an option for you, join a social media support group, such as the Facebook group Living with Narcissistic Emotional Abuse (where I am now an administrator). Facebook groups for spouses of narcissists continue to be a source of comfort to me because I have connected with people who understand my experience in a way that friends cannot.
Keep a journal.
Narcissists try to twist facts to make themselves look good or make you appear crazy. This is called gaslighting. In order to give yourself validation, keep a journal of events that happen. If you feel comfortable, show this to someone you trust who can validate these situations. This will help you regain confidence in your lived experiences of events.
Be prepared.
If you need to confront the narcissist, script what you are going to say first. Write it down, memorize it, and follow it exactly as you have written it. It can be useful to have someone you trust look it over because the narcissist will often try and accuse you of being abusive or unfair in order to suppress your ability to call them out on their behaviors.
Get clear about your boundaries.
This may take time. For me, it involved noticing what triggered me when I was with the narcissist. Know what you will and will not tolerate, as well as consequences for violating each boundary. For example, if the narcissist insults you at events, tell them that you will not invite them to join you the next time you go out.
Do not allow yourself to become drained, and do not feel guilty for needing to take time away to recharge.
It can take a large amount of energy to be with a narcissist, and you need to invest some of this energy in yourself and in your healthier relationships. Remember that you don’t owe anyone all your time and emotional energy. You aren’t selfish for taking time for you.
Try to find something joyful in every day.
Narcissists can be very negative people, and they can suck the joy out of your life. Try to do something you love every day. I go for a walk in nature or watch animal videos, as this reminds me about the joys of life. I also play with my cat.
Control your own finances.
Some narcissists try to control their spouses through money, and this can limit your ability to do things you need to do for yourself. Have some money saved and/or obtain a source of income that the narcissist does not know about.
Be good to yourself.
Don’t blame yourself for what you could not see before. This can take some of us years. Narcissists are good at wearing a mask. Just educate yourself, and you will peel off the mask and see the narcissists with new eyes.
As the Spouse of a Narcissist
As the spouse of a narcissist, I have someone who talks at me, not with me. Someone who needs me but does not respect me. A child who demands attention and has tantrums if he does not get it. A person who does not listen and does not feel what others feel, or understand how others are affected by his behaviors.
As the spouse of a narcissist, I must walk alone through my struggles, silently feeling my pain while no one sees it, no one sees him.
Nothing is mine or can be about me; he has to be the center of attention.
In public, he wears a mask that no one can see through, but at home, the mask comes off and I am subjected to emotional abuse.
As the spouse of a narcissist, I am the one with the problem—the one who is too sensitive, the one who cannot take a joke. I am the one who needs help, not him. He is not the problem; I am. I am because I see him for who he is, and I cannot pretend anymore, and that is a problem.
As the spouse of a narcissist, I need to be strong and educate the people around me about narcissistic emotional abuse so that they might never fall prey and never feel my pain.
As spouses of narcissists, we cannot keep silent because the pain of being with a narcissist can be prevented.
About Jen Ann
Jen Ann is a teacher who engages in freelance writing. She is also an admin in the group Living with Narcissistic Emotional Abuse and strives to help others on this issue.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Hello. I have been doing research for a while now and I am certain that I am the spouse of a narcissist. I have been with this man for 25 years total… married 19. I am 40 and he is 41. We have 3 children together and he has them manipulated to believe i am the crazy one because of how emotional it makes me when he is neglectful and abusive. They do know however that I will always be there for them and I have tried and my intentions are good. They have been witness and subject to the abuse and neglect. I am not sure what to do. I actually still love him and forgive him, even though he has never asked for forgiveness. I do not know if being with me has made it worse over the years, but I know I am an enabler or at least was. I want to break the cycle, but I am so traumatized I barely have the strength to look at a future without him. It is all I ever wanted and still do. We even own a business together, but he doesn’t want to do it anymore.. this will leave us with little income and we and our son will get evicted and lose everything… again. I feel as though everything that I have given him over the years was actually stolen from me and he is the one who wants out. Discard phase I believe its called. Then back to adoration if I convince him I can feed his ego. I hate it, but I love him or love the idea of who he was capable of becoming. Im not sure anymore. I feel tired and defeated and I dont know where to turn. After reading the article I decided to reach out because it does sound exactly like my life. I know what I need to do even if it hurts… I need support. He has pushed that away and again blamed it on me. Thank you
At first I was convinced he had Aspergers, but I now know he is a Narcissist. Years of silent treatment and sulking, always talking about himself when you mention something it’s as if he has to high jack the conversation. My sons call him the grinch coz he’s so mean. Every memory of the past 32 years has not been a happy one. I was blind sided for many many years until the kids left home and I took my own bedroom to have some me time. He has been ill for many years and after many months off work I really began to see him for who he is. He is empty and has no soul just feeds off whoever is available.I sit and look and ask myself who are you? He covertly has cut me off from his siblings but I think they all have traits of Narcissism in them. I am just reflecting on all the events that have caused arguments and there are plenty, that’s because when you discuss stuff he does not have the emotional understanding to converse and it gets into argument. I understand now that I have always been on my own and now I’m 55 years old I just have to get on with my life as he doesn’t have no interest in me whatsoever. I’m glad that I can now see the wood for the trees and know that one day I will be free from the sadness that these crazy people can make.
Fascinating but not helpful and just more parroting of the non clinical generalizations that are circulating. If you arent bound by marriage or finances just cut your loss and run. if you are be careful – clinicians have to f]go to school f& intern for a reason – if you arent licensed dont assume you actually know what you dont. And finally – why is it always He and Him. Enough of this woman good man bad bullshit – its not a gender specific personality disorder.
If you have made your mind up (I know it can take years!), please follow through on what your gut instinct is telling you. You deserve inner peace, freedom & to see what you can be without such negativity. To stay can become dangerous.
To cope with living with a narcissist takes more strength than you realise. They are all encompassing, controlling & powerful when mixed with compassionate, kind-hearted people. If you have coped this far, you have the strength to end the relationship. Be clear, put all your plans in place & stay resolute & true to yourself. You have been drained for long enough. The personal decline in your mental well-being can only worsen as you value yourself less & less through the put downs. He will test you severely, adding the charm to lure you back. You cannot give in, not once. Issues, control, power, derogation, fear, all just get worse.
I lived in a similar situation for 7 years. His ex-wife put up with the same. His family although loved him, told me to divorce him. His kids told me they didn’t know how I put up with him. My 7 & 9 year old begged me to leave. I did. It was hard. He put up a lengthy fight but not once did I crumble. I felt empowered for taking control of my future. I realised I had to get out for the sake of my own sanity & I could not bare to see his ways get embedded in my children as they aged. To leave is to be free & safe & we all deserve that.
I wish you strength & luck. Stay strong & believe in yourself & your capabilities.
Thank you so much for this brave and vulnerable article. I’m still with my narc spouse and haven’t found the courage to leave yet, most articles just tell you to leave so if you’re not ready then it’s not much help. I really appreciate you sharing these very relatable details of your life together and I wish you all the best for the future
My wife just sent me this article. She said this is what it’s like to live with me. It just hit me in the gut when I read this. That this is what I have done to our marriage. I know that this is the point of view from a partner suffering. I don’t know what to do or where to turn as it seems that being a narcissist is forever. Is there hope?
I’ve been married almost 14 years now. I accidentally came across the term narcissism about 6 years ago and with it came so many answers to questions I had about my husband, my marriage.
My culture frowns heavily on women seeking divorce, plus I have 4 kids in the marriage. But most importantly is my fear of the unknown and lack of will that is still keeping me in the marriage.
Even as I’m very sad, lonely and tilting to depression
I am married to a Narcissist and I can’t leave him. His father is a narcissist and I fear he is too much like his father and will mess up our children so I cannot leave. I cannot allow him to have time alone with our children. If I stay at least I will always be around to interfere and give my children a fighting chance. I will put my feelings aside for the sake of my children.
Reading this article just made my entire marriage make sense. I knew my father in law was a narcissist for quite some time but figured since I’m not married to him, I’d be fine. I didn’t see the narcissism in my husband until a few days ago. I knew I was being hurt but I’ve been gaslit so much that I just thought it was all my fault or that I was taking everything too personally. Thank you for this article. Thank you for making me realize that it’s not me. Thank you so much.
Wow! This really opened my eyes. I know he is a narcissist. But somethings he has been doing & saying, I had not realized were part of the illness. Because of COVID, I am struggling with not having a place to go & not risk my physical health. I have struggled through this relationship for 40 years, if you can believe it! I know he needs me, not for this reason, but he is physically deteriorating. I have to open up to my friends & let them in. I have lived in a crust for too long, not letting friends know how bad it really it. Our family, sibs have no idea. Thankfully we never had children.
This is me. But I have gone. Now alone, the past haunts me, the silence is deafening but it is far better than the life I had with him. I am traumatised beyond belief. I endured the finger poking, the nastiness, the name calling and pantomime of the last six months of my time with him after I gave my notice to leave. I am one of the lucky ones, I got away. Whatever comes next can never be as bad as even the best days with him. The worst days… absolute stuff of nightmares
Hi I live with my partner he is like that I have grown to dislike him so much . I am now going to get advice on legal stuff so I know where I stand . He is just a little weed I know I am a good person who deserves a good life away from someone who thinks they are god .
I feel like I’m exactly in this position. Knowing this relationship is wrong but not wanting to give up AND having no idea how to leave without all hell breaking loose. How do you leave?
I have been doing a lot of reading on depression and narcissistic behavior. My husband tried to say to me that I'm the narcissist. And now I question myself. He has struggled with depression and a load of physical ailments over the last couple years. I have been increasingly frustrated by his "depressive" state. When I air my frustrations I feel like he turns it into me. If I lose my temper he says I have anger issues. I work 60+ hours a week and he has been jobless for the last 3 months and the house is a mess. If he does the tiniest thing which barely qualifies as the bare minimum he gets upset that I don't praise him for it. To which I get irritated because I feel that a grown man shouldn't expect a pat in the back for barely taking care of themselves. If I lose my temper the next day he tells me that I have made him so depressed that he could barely cope. That I am the source of all of his sadness. I am drained from all of this emotional warfare. After he verbal diarrhea how his day was so terrible and he couldn't cope because of me if I respond with anything other than reassurance etc then once again I am the villain. I will feel myself getting heated in a conversation and say I'm not doing this (because I know it's just going to explode into something bigger or the kids are there) and he says that it can't just be how I want it to be. He acts like I'm trying to control the situation whereas I feel the need to escape. And if he keeps poking and prodding then I am the bad guy again for exploding even though I have asked him to stop. I am at my wits end. My home doesn't feel like my home anymore. He makes me question who I am as a person. I feel like I have had to develop a thick skin from life and my thick skin to protect me is being portrayed as uncaring or unkind. If I am in a bad mood because I get home from work and the sink is full of dishes that I wasn't home to create then my bad mood is labeled as "mean" and "rude". I feel like I'm losing my mind. I need help figuring out what the hell is going on. Am I the problem? I am so happy when I'm at work. I'm so happy when he isn't home. I do such more house duties and I work 2 full time jobs and he does no job. But then says he does so much. Like what are you doing? He says – you don't give me words of affirmation. You don't give me physical touch. What about my needs? I have nothing left to give and get irritated with the need for praise when I don't feel like he has done things to be deserving. Or pushing me to the point of losing my temper to then demand an apology to which I refuse because I'm not sorry because I asked him to stop and he didn't respect that.
I read these articles and try to wrap my mind around reality but it is so hard. At 6am I was called a narcissist because I asked him to not slam doors, we just woke up why are you mad? I'm once again up with the baby…I also work 60 hour weeks and he stays home with the baby which he complains about all day long. Before this he was unemployed and anytime I begged him to get a job, I didn't care about him or listen to him because he is trying to get disability and can't with a job. I'm in thousands of dollars of debt from this. Yesterday I was told how can he give love to someone who treats him poorly, I care for him and our baby, and this was brought up because I was upset him yelled at the baby telling our child he can't do this all day, stormed off, and slammed a door leaving our 1 year old crying and panicking. I work from home most days, I wonder what he says to him when I'm not home. I can keep going but he has me so convinced I'm the issue after my post partum struggles that I can't fully see him as the narcissist and question if it is me…but the difference i think is when I'm upset it is because of burn out and just needing reciprocation, I have to cause a scene to get to sleep in. When I let him sleep in after playing video games at night, because I get off work and immediately put the baby to bed because he's upset mumbling and slamming if he isn't on video games by 7pm….he's agreed to couples therapy but I'm anxious.
Lee Ann…
i hope by now you've left or, you're well on your way. His behavior will NOT change it will only get much worse.
Please realize that YOU are enough & you've done ALL you can for this person.
So sorry for the loss of your friend. ❤️
Robert…
Statistically their are far more men who suffer from some form of narcissism…Look in the mirror, & then go troll somewhere else.
Please provide the stats.
It's so hard knowing the fact that you care so much about this person yet they treat you like crap. They treat you like you're invisible and that you only have them by your side, they will turn your own family against you and make you look like the bad one.All the time it's always you that's at fault and never them. Getting in an argument with them is lose lose situation, because they will always blame you.Im currently dealing with a narcissist for 2 years and I feel like I'm going insane I'm only 18 and met him when I was 15. We have a 7 year age gap and because off that he feels that he is superior to me and can boss me around.IM so happy I came across this article and I can see that I'm not alone in this, there's plenty of woman out there going through this longer then me, If you've made it this far into reading my comment just know that "YOU WERE NEVER THE PROBLEM" they are projecting their insecurities and problems onto you.TO EVRYONE OUT THERE WHO'S DEALING WITH THIS I HOPE YOU SEE THEIR TRUE COLOUR'S ASAP AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, THEY WILL TRY TO DESTROY YOU AND LEAVE YOU IN PIECES, BUT DON'T YOU EVER GIVE THEM THAT OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO, YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH.
Omg I just came across this article and I’m glad I read it and as I read through the comments, I read your entire comment and oh my God I am so sorry for what you went through! I know this is old, but I hope that you left him and I hope that you’re doing well. I hope your father is doing OK. Many blessings to you for putting up with all of that! Reading your story just made me really sad. That’s just awful. I’m so sorry again😞❤️❤️❤️
I’m so glad I came across this article as well. I’m so sorry at such a young age You have to deal with this. What is your status with him now? You must leave as soon as you can! You cannot have him tear you down because that’s what they will do. Stay strong and know worth. You are still young run while you can!!! You are so much more than this. We all are.❤️❤️
This is awful. Narcissists are so bad. Mine also checks everything I do it’s very creepy to say the least. Sending you prayers. I hope that one day you have the strength to walk away. I know it’s easier said than done. I’m trying to walk away from mine, mine is a little bit insane. When I start to walk away he leaves me voicemails, wanting attention saying he’s going to hurt himself or commit suicide sending me creepy videos of him standing over the balcony or stepping over it I shall say. He’s very disrespectful. There were red flags right at the beginning, but I let it drag on for five years. And it’s only getting harder
I’m going to pray that those 2.5 years left are going to and once they do run for your life! It’s crazy how they tear you down little by little and we lose ourselves, but we cannot let this happen. I know it’s easier said than done and your situation is a little bit tough. I’m really sorry if there’s anything I can do to help please let me know. You can talk as much as you need to and vent as much as you need to.
Wowwww reminds me of the narcissist loser I’m with who owes me over 25 grand but would rather go lose it at the poker table! Can’t he get arrested for violating the order of protection? I’m not sure what state you live in, but in the state of Illinois, if you you go to jail. I knew someone who went to jail for 19 months when they violated the order. Unless you’re afraid to call the police and have him arrested? I wish you all the best. This is very difficult. It’s like they love to Torture us.
How are you holding up? I know this is old and I had recently but deleted my I didn’t realize this was old. Did everything go as planned? I hope you’re doing well!🙏🏻❤️
This article word to word about how my life is. I also thought for years that he has a low self esteem and that’s why he needs to be the center of attention on gatherings. And if he isn’t the center of attention, then he will get bored and complain. And of course endless gaslighting, blame shifting, etc.
I guess that was a great blessing in disguise! I’m so glad you’re away! These narcissists are something else. I’m trying to get away from mine. It’s getting close to five years. I saw the red flags the first month, and I tried to leave, but he would manipulate me back in his life. The gaslighting, the insults, the mental and emotional abuse, and I’m already suffering with depression and anxiety. I’m glad that I came across this article. It’s really sad with these narcissists Try to do to us, And succeed. I’m staying strong this time. I’m very happy for you, not that you got abused, but that was your outlet 🙏🏻❤️
I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It takes courage to talk about something so personal, and I admire your strength.
Can I just ask what kind of boundaries you set, and how you went about communicating them to him? I would consider marriage counseling but I already know he wouldn't go.
I've been told my (now ex) partner is a narcissist and I tend to agree, particularly as he has a shocking lack of empathy for basically everyone around him. However, I still can see a soft side to him and I have seen him do good deeds many times, which stole my heart and makes me love him even as I walk away. I know this is the right decision, I just wish there was a way to communicate with him as needed (mainly to untangle finances etc), without it descending into him flinging mud at me. Always telling me how bad I've been to want to break it off, and how hard done he is. It's awful to hear him talk like that, yet if I ever offer to see him and give him a hug, he says no. I get the feeling he's goading me into offering something, just so he could knock it back – I don't know if he hopes I'll start begging to see him, but it isn't going to happen.
I have some formal counselling coming up this week, and I can't wait. I desperately need someone to help me process everything and come out sane and happy, at the other end…
Same here. I can associate with all of you. I don't even know who I am anymore, I am a shell of my former self. It's like all the joy gets sucked out of your life to the point that even doing the most simplest of things becomes an ordeal. At 62 now, and after married to a 2ND narcissistic man for 17 years, (yes, I made that mistake and was fooled twice) I actually have to set a timer at 10, 15, 20 minute intervals just to get myself moving to make the bed, do the laundry, dishes, etc. I was never like this before. I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him, quivering and shaking, waiting for the next blowup, the next demeaning situation, the next argument he tries to start that I desperately try to avoid. I've seen therapists that he managed to contact himself, trying to shift blame, now I'm on anti anxiety/anti depression medication that barely takes the edge off.
At my age it's very difficult to just leave. My health concerns are enormous, I'm a housewife that barely leaves the house. He controls all of the finances and watches the bank accounts very closely. He even questions when and where to the rare times I do leave the house, even if it's simply to the grocery store.
Now I'm struggling with the fact that he's planning to move us out of state when he retires and I will be left without knowing anyone at all. At least where I am here, I have my church family. The problem is they also think he's a great guy not knowing the real person he is behind closed doors.
I'm at the beginning point of realization of what I'm dealing with. I know it's going to be extremely difficult for me to take the steps forward to try to better my life, but I will try.
Wow! Seems like too much work, planning and not enough reward. Would it not be more productive to do the things you truly love instead? Your approach in dealing with your husband reminds me of “The Scorpion and the Frog” fable.
I wish you luck in finding happiness.
I have ready MANY articles, listened to MANY podcasts and finally left a marriage that was abusive and demeaning & eggshells everyday situation. You have written my life out better than anything else I’ve read or listened to. A good friend told me I would leave him “when the fear of the unknown, is better than the fear of the known”. She couldn’t have said it better. The day I drove away his final words were “I like who I am. I will never have a woman tell me what to do”. I’ve never looked back. Freedom comes at a cost. Self love and happiness are bought & paid for by self worth & leaving.
I thank you so much for your article as it makes so much sense. My brother is a narcissist yet he would never admit being so.
Also I have been in a relationship with a psychopath for 28 years. LOL, no he is not a killer as the media would tell us. narcissist’s, sociopaths and psychopath’s have similar traits.
Psychopaths have a way of getting what they want from vulnerable people and when they are finished with you they spit you out and move onto the next vulnerable person.
I have since ended our relationship and am so much happier in my life.
O by the way, I am an Aspie and yes we could be seen as unemotional yet this is not always the case. To understand an Aspie you would have to be one.
I too have been in a relationship with a narcissist.The time to leave the relationship was as soon as I discovered who he really was. I got out despite his threats to me and my children. I would like to share with you that now is the time to get out! Hopefully you have a family and support group that will be understanding and supportive of you deciding to leave him. He will never change, regardless of how much you understand. Self love means really caring about your mental, physical and emotional health. Knowing that leaving is the only way to care for yourself. I am sure you will come to this “knowing” and get out. Thank you for sharing! With love and light to you!
I am a child of 2 narcissists. I’m 39, and it was less than 18 months ago when a therapist pinpointed the issue for me. At first I didn’t believe him. Over that time, I’ve come to see that what I thought was normal for a parent-child relationship is not actually healthy. I’m slowly stopping the habit of blaming myself for everything that has happened between us, and realizing that speaking up about the issues isn’t really going to fix anything either. If they were not my parents, I would have zero interest in spending time with them because we’re so different, and recent politics has made them ugly people. The problem is that, however, the worst thing I can imagine is a person’s child that doesn’t want to be around the parent. It’s why I never had kids of my own. So, I don’t really know what to do. For now, I pretend to be the attentive child my parents expect me to be.
Thank you for your vulnerability and openness. Although the person wasn’t an NPD, you have highlighted something I went through where I was accused of being oversensitive when teased and insulted. I hope that you can somehow, soon, not have to have this person in your life. You deserve better. You deserve your freedom and autonomy. I hope you will one day find the power within yourself to leave completely. There is nothing bad about putting yourself and your well-being first.
Jen I’m curious, did you stay with him? I am wondering about the research of narcissism and recovery?
I cannot tell you what to do but I beg you remember this- he will NEVER change, if the tiniest part of you hopes he will, then you will have wasted your life on false hope. I know- my adoptive father would lie on the bed and refuse to eat if he couldn’t have his own way and my step mother and I both became nervous wrecks because of him. We were partly released when he unexpectedly died, but we ‘re still not the people we might have been .I pray this won’t happen to you.
You are very brave and thank you for saying all of this so openly. Similar situation here- married Narc.(or possibly BPD according to a therapist) and came from dysfunctional family background I now realize contributed to why I picked him/ was vulnerable to him. Interesting thing 2 years post divorce now is much my health has improved with not much effort. Down 30 lbs, not pre-diabetic anymore, thyroid working better, BP great, and cholesterol numbers all greatly improved. Makes you wonder about all that stress and internalizing from being married to that type, so watch your health!
The article states that she doesn’t want to ‘give up’ on him and is conflicted, but encourages the rest of us to ‘get out’ of those relationships. I hope she finds the strength.
I too have recently discovered this. It is very difficult to reconcile and understand. Kudos to you for figuring it out. I have 20 years on you and a background that would make many think I should have figured it out sooner. I have been doing research and gaining understanding for the past couple years since a friend was murdered by her narcissistic psycho husband after she decided to leave him (30 yrs. married). It happens to all persons in all walks of life, educated and uneducated. Continue to educate yourself and move forward and put your needs first.
Oh my God!
Today I was feeling so low over the fight with my husband of 20 years. During my downtime I went on this website and carelessly reading the post. I didn’t ever know the word, narcis….exits. The only reason I started reading this article because of double face picture. I always thought partner has two faces. I was felling, this author is telling my story. All these years I was feeling I failed at everything and worth of nothing. He is a very good looking guy with a very charming outside the house personality. I am over the years of verbal abuse and neglect have become a very vocal about my feeling. So practically, others are more likely to blame me who knows us just for few years. Only my few friends who knows me for years think, I am stuck with someone who doesn’t care about me. I am an Asian immigrant to this country. He pretty much cut me off from my own family. All of them are not here. Me and my family listen to him just to make this marriage work and we all though it will get better with time. As the author said, it never got better but got worst. It was so true. With time as responsibility rose, blame on me rose too. As the author said, there is no cure for this. It was such an eye opener. Let me see what can I do. Thanks a lot for your courage and openness.
Congratulations on having the courage to write this piece. It must have been very difficult but freeing for you. The path always starts with true understanding of yourself and what part of you allowed the situation to happen. Courage builds on courage. You are the courageous hero! There is no courage without strength of character. It’s in you! Let it flow like a mighty river. Thank you for your words which have obviously helped many here. I wish you the very best. Love, peace and happiness. Namaste
I think you have a fairly good knowledge base of the NPD or even those with Narcissistic traits. However I was extremely dismayed with your advice considering whether or not to leave the relationship.” Unless you are in physical danger,do not rush” is paraphrased from your article. WHY just physical danger? The mental and emotional danger is just as bad! The constant severe stress of living with such a person damages our brains until they just shut down….,in order to preserve. It sounds to me as if you are stuck in your childhood still of I’m Not Good Enough. You are SETTLING for something less than what you want and deserve. You are staying in a situation allowing more and more abuse. Your actions are very incongruent with your words. I do agree with the gentleman about the fable of scorpion and frog. I so truly wish you strength and wisdom to seek a healthier life.
I’m sorry but if you’re still in an active relationship with a narcissist. You dont have the right to write an article about how to leave one or give advice to others who are trying to leave. Write us an article when you leave. That’s the hardest part. That’s the most dangerous and terrifying part of it all. Yes he’s a narcissist. Google narcissistic abuse forums and you’ll find millions of women all over the world stuck or trying to leave. The ones that left still have major psychological trauma and CPTSD. It’s not over once you’ve finally gotten rid of them. Google “hoovering” google “stalking” and narcissistic abuse. This is a massive life event. Leaving! Now leave Doctor. Save yourself. Dont write about the mud while you sit in it. Show the women reading your eloquent and well written article how you did it. What you went though and how much stronger and wiser and more exemplary you are after getting yourself out of that insidious abuse. And God bless you for figuring it out. May you dig deeper than you ever have before because that limitless strength is what it takes to leave and be done forever from the emotional parasite.
I think we tend to expect a solution wrapped up in a pretty bow , a solid exit strategy, a happy ending. I think the honesty in this illustrates how complicated relationships with narcissists can be. Best wishes to you. I hope you find peace some how, some way. Much love and light to you. I have a narcissist in my family and I ache for his spouse and see what he does to her – as he does it to me , the gas lighting, the gorging on narcissist supply, all of it.
I am 2 months into leaving my Narcissist. I am grateful he shoved me, earning him domestic violence and gifting me a 3-year criminal restraining order. The fear of the known is why I remained in the marriage as I knew ending the marriage would be WWIII. I know the violence made my exit easier and it only took me about 5 minutes after my ass was on the ground to realize he gave me a gift.
Not mine. I copied and pasted the fable. Happy you found value in it 😉
A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung by the scorpion, but the scorpion argues that if it did that, they would both drown. The frog considers this argument sensible and agrees to transport the scorpion. The scorpion climbs onto the frog’s back and the frog begins to swim, but midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog, dooming them both. The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung, to which the scorpion replies “I couldn’t help it. It’s in my nature.”
Thank you for your kind words.