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Getting over a "non-relationship"

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • June 5, 2019 at 9:55 am #297445
    lostandconfused
    Participant

    I don’t know how to get over someone I was never really together with, but talked to for a long time.

    Eight months ago we met and dated for a few weeks. I wasn’t currently living in his city but planning on moving there in six months. I went back home, we emailed 1-2 times a week while I was away. We both dated other people but kept in touch the whole time, sending photos, sharing experiences, etc. I didn’t know what would happen when I moved, but I thought that because we had kept in touch so long without seeing each other it showed we had a connection, and so if we still had fun together, would probably move towards being in a relationship. Two months ago I moved. We met a few times but he gave very mixed signals the whole time I’ve been back. Sometimes being really sweet, sometimes being too busy, making excuses, etc. Finally, I told him I wanted a relationship. He told me he wasn’t in the same place as me.

    I feel heartbroken. More for what could have been than what actually was. I also feel angry I spent 6 months thinking about him and staying in touch with him when he might never have been interested in anything happening ever. I know I can meet other people, but I felt a connection to him in a way I’ve never felt to anyone before. He was everything everyone I dated before wasn’t. I thought he was like me. From talking so often over the 6 months when I was away it was almost like we were long distance “dating”. But you can’t really know someone over text so I just feel confused. I just feel so confused about what happened and unsure of how to move on when I thought this had so much potential.

    June 5, 2019 at 12:11 pm #297541
    Mark
    Participant

    lostandconfused,

    I am sorry for your emotional pain and confusion.  I view dating as a way to get to know someone before getting deeply committed.  For most initial phases of meeting someone you like, there is “magic” and potential but then you need to get to know someone over a period of time and circumstances and environments and situations in order to learn who they are and visa versa.

    Yes 6 months seems like a long time to spend in thinking about someone and wanting something more but in the grand scheme of things, it is a very short time.

    Dating is not only about learning about the other person but about yourself.  You can learn more about your own values, what you are willing to do and not do, what boundaries to set, what you are willing to tolerate, how to communicate, how to resolve differences and disputes, etc.

    How to move on?  Exam what you have learned about this experience and what you will do/think differently for the next relationship.

    Mark

    June 5, 2019 at 12:25 pm #297543
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lostandconfused:

    “I felt a connection to him in a way I’ve never felt to anyone before”- including the man you wrote about in your March 2015 thread?

    If you would like, can you elaborate on that connection you felt to this “non relationship” man and how different it was from your connection to other men in your past?

    anita

    June 5, 2019 at 1:31 pm #297549
    lostandconfused
    Participant

    Yes, including that man. Of course, it’s a completely different situation. The other ex and I had been together for 2 years in a serious relationship so had a much deeper emotional connection and our lives were more intertwined. He was the first person I thought about forever with and I was devasted when it ended (though I now know it was for the best).

    The connection I felt with this man felt more like meeting a best friend. We have similar views and outlooks on life which is pretty hard for me to find. We want a lot of the same things for the future. We have a similar sense of humour. We have similar career ambitions and shared books and movies together. I know all of this sounds generic. I’m not quite sure how to describe it. I just remember when we met thinking wow this is what it’s like to actually like someone.

    June 5, 2019 at 1:32 pm #297551
    lostandconfused
    Participant

    Yes, you are right. I think I have learned more about myself and what I want. I think it’s hard that there was so much build up and hope virtually and then nothing happened.

    June 5, 2019 at 2:00 pm #297553
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lostandconfused:

    I have it in my mind at the moment, after reading your earlier thread a couple of hours ago, that you are not really interested in a relationship, that is, if this guy said he was interested, you would be only partially in it with one foot out the door. Again, this is my impression after just one reading of your earlier thread.

    I may be wrong, of course.

    anita

    June 5, 2019 at 2:22 pm #297555
    lostandconfused
    Participant

    I was very interested in a relationship with him which is why I brought it up.

    June 5, 2019 at 3:33 pm #297559
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lostandconfused:

    You were very interested in a relationship with him and you feel heartbroken, “more for what could have been than what actually was”.

    The title of your thread is “Getting over a ‘non-relationship'”- but there was a dating relationship for a few weeks, eight month ago.

    Then you kept in touch via email for six months, and once you moved to his city, you met a few times. You are heartbroken because you hoped for a relationship with him, maybe you hoped for a better relationship than you ever had, one with a man you really liked, with whom you had a lot in common.

    When you moved to his city two months ago, you met a few times, sometimes he was really sweet, sometimes too busy, making excuses to not meet you. Finally you told him you wanted a relationship with him and he said “he wasn’t in the same place as (you)”-

    – I wish he told you more, what he meant by not being “in the same place”. Geographically, you were in the same place! What did he mean, I don’t know. I wonder if you asked him.

    Clearly, the email communication between the two of you for six months was not part of an agreed upon committed long distance relationship because the two of you dated other people. Your hope that there might be a relationship once you moved to his city, was it based in part on anything he said, like him being lonely even though he was dating other women, or that he can’t find a woman who is compatible with him and you were compatible, anything like that?

    * I will be away from the computer for some time.

    anita

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