“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach
There are times when nothing seems to move in the right direction. We either feel stuck or lost in chaos and confusion. Days follow nights as pages on the calendar turn into months, but you remain at the same place.
A few years back I suffered a miscarriage in the eighth month of pregnancy. I lost my baby and my dreams of motherhood. In the deep void I experienced both physical pain and mental agony.
At such times despite your efforts, the situation turns from bad to worse until you hit rock bottom, where you are too shocked to even be angry. You are just numb.
It took me years to understand that life’s balance sheet is not a neat account statement. Here, losses are often gains and gains are often losses.
At that time, I found a strange peace while doing mundane everyday activities, like cleaning or removing the stalks from the green vegetables. My hands removed grass, weeds, or long hard stalks to stack in organized groups.
Why did I enjoy doing this activity, which was a chore? It gave my hands something to do; it helped me to finish a task while giving respite to my agonized heart, as my mind was free to wander from worry to wonder.
My heart cried but the spinach or whatever I was cleaning was getting ready. It did not stop life but helped me to go with flow.
It taught me the art of giving in without giving up, and it made me realize that lessons need to be experienced before learning happens.
The meditative quality of a repeated activity is therapeutic. It leads to contemplation, which has a cathartic effect that makes you calm while setting a rhythm in the chaotic mind.
Life unfolds at its pace, and we need to go with the flow. Attachment and detachment are the two points where we oscillate as a pendulum. Wisdom dawns at this stage.
My wisdom could be different from others’ wisdom. There is nothing right or wrong on this path. It just “is,” and this “is” is unique for everyone.
By mindfully diverting myself through the maze of overpowering emotions, I could handle the situation with graceful acceptance and resilience.
Whenever you are in a stressful situation, take time to just be with the “is.”
Accept.
Accepting any loss is the first step to reclaiming and gathering the threads of your life. You have to do it on your own; no one can do it for you. Learning to face your fears is the first step.
Be mindful.
Cultivating mindfulness when you are engaged in an activity is relaxing. Walk, enjoying each step; breathe deeply and cherish the moment and movement. Cook; culinary pursuits can be extremely relaxing and fulfilling. I discovered subtle moments of joy in my garden.
Don’t judge yourself.
Let go of expectations about your decisions or self. If you face a difficult situation, do not harbor guilt or fear. Build up trust for life slowly. Let go of expectations of others and even opinions of others.
Get moving.
Go for a walk, cycle, or if you can’t, just clean your house. Physical work helps in releasing the latent negative energy that makes you restless.
Listen to music.
Close your eyes and let each note seep into your heart as you experience the beauty of the composition. Music helped me to sleep on those dark nights when everything had gloomy shadows.
Get an anchor.
When I noticed that a cry session was coming along, I would stop speaking and just became mindful of things around me. Then, one day I heard a sound of an unknown bird. This whistle-like sound became my anchor. I listened through pauses, waiting in anticipation. The overwhelming emotions were diminished.
Create a journal.
Write down what you feel. You can make it a weekly practice on weekends. Have a cup of coffee and light a candle as you sit to write. Soon you will look forward to this time of the week.
Create a happy corner.
You can create a happy corner with a seat, a few books, music CDs, and your journal. Add some bright color with a vase of flowers. Remember, you are the most important person in your life.
Find what “is” the present moment.
If you are having coffee, let it become a meditative experience. While cleaning the kitchen top, do it with ease and joy and grace is sure to follow. If you feel like crying, let the tears flow.
Remember there is an extremely thin line that demarcates loneliness and solitude. Cross that line to enter the tranquil zone of solitude.
Joy comes from the heart, not external stimuli. Accept where you are to find a way out of any situation. You will soon discover a path that leads to joy.
Photo by h.koppdelaney
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
It’s not often that a post about loss makes you smile. This sentence did it for me: life’s balance sheet is not a neat account statement. Here, losses are often gains and gains are losses.
And you’re so right about the simple ways to move through this.
Mindfulness is kind of easiest when applied to what is. Including pain. At least the Western culture that I’m part of seems to cultivate the idea that pain is something to avoid. But really, it’s easier to move through it with mindfulness than run from it. We can’t anyhow…
Thank you!
As a dad who’s son has been missing for a week, I found this as a tough read. Particularly the “judging yourself”. My first thought was “bullshit … don’t tell me i didn’t do something horribly wrong. he ran away for some reason, and i must be to blame.” But I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Yes, life goes on … but by no means does it go on normally. I’ll have to read this article over a couple more times in the next few days. Right now, it just isn’t making sense.
I feel so sad for you because I know I would feel exactly the same way, “bullshit”….you are right, Life is never normal again.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. i wish your son a safe return and hope he’s found whatever he’s looking for on his journey. do not blame yourself, this is a learning experience for you both. good will come from it.
This was a really moving post that touched my heart. It brought back the days when I was going through the death of my marriage (divorce). Walking, cooking, and gardening really helped me, too!
Perhaps it’s included in the “Don’t judge yourself” advice, but I think it’s important not to control the emotions. Don’t try to hold your tears. It’s okay — cry a river because crying is cleansing. Repression would cause far more problems in the long run.
Also, it’s okay to rely on others, especially in such hard time. Ask your friends if they can have you for dinner, just so you are with a company for a while. No need to be particularly social — that’s not expected.
Thank you for the post. I really enjoyed reading it and it will definitely help me in my quest for mindfulness and being in the present. I am working through my feelings and dealing with a miscarriage of my own and fertility problems at present. I remind myself each day to be present and mindful be grateful for the little things and remember that life’s challenges just make you who you are and stronger every day. Thanks again
Very nice post. Thank you for the wisdom.
A beautiful and gentle post. What would it feel like if we just allowed what ever we were feeling to wash over us…without resistance, without hope..and without anything to soften the blow?
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Rick,
I pray and hope that your son comes home again soon. You know what they say ‘Whatever happens, happens for the absolute best’. I am so sure that everything will be alright. Don’t lose hope and everything will just fall into place one by one.
Yes, Akemi I agree with you can rely on friends. They provide you the much-needed support. I was hesitant while sharing bu am glad to know that it helped you. Thanks!
Many thanks Stephen for the appreciation. At times it is good to accept things as they are.
Thanks Mindoctor.
Thank you Claire for the feed-back. I am glad that my story helped you in some way.
Rick, I understand what you are going through. Yes, all this sounds like bullshit’. I have gone through this phase of intense blaming and judging myself. Slowly, I accepted what happened first stoically and then later calmly. Life would have been so different if, all that did not happen.
My prayers are with you and your family. I will pray that your son soon comes home again.
Thank you Halina for your kind words. Mindfulness is a gentle option to face challenges. Pain and loss are hard teachers..
Thank you Halina for your kind words. Mindfulness is a gentle option to face challenges. Pain and loss are hard teachers..
My son of 19 was killed 9-9-12 in a car accident. My mantra has been I will honor my son by living the rest of my life to its fullest. But there are days that I miss him and I don’t seem to be able to do that as well as I should.
This post was so helpful, at the exact right time! I am going to print it and put up on my vanity mirror to help me through the tough times I have been having. Your words of “Days follow nights as pages on the calendar turn into months, but you remain at the same place.” and “At such times despite your efforts, the situation turns from bad to worse until you hit rock bottom, where you are too shocked to even be angry. You are just numb.” really hit home with me as I have been making the slow decline to hitting my rock bottom for about 2 years now. I have no idea how it has taken me this long to finally realize that something needs to be done. It’s like I was sitting in such a deep, dark hole waiting for someone to come rescue me, but it took me hitting rock bottom and then some to finally snap myself out of that numbness and shock to realize I could just help myself out of this hole the entire time. However it just has felt like no matter how hard I try to climb that steep, muddy wall out of the hole I just keep slipping back down; until now. After reading your story and your steps to work through the pain has provided me with some great ways of how to work through this all; so thank you very much for your help!
Jessica, my prayers are with you. I hope you will soon be able to move ahead, one step at a time, one day at a time….Thanks!
Jim, I admire your courage. I had not known that baby whom I lost. I understand how you must be feeling.
What a brave article to write! I can only imagine how deeply painful this loss must’ve been for you and my heart goes out to you.