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I don't know how to get myself out of a difficult situation

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  • April 7, 2019 at 8:02 am #287955
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:

    About a year ago you ended an abusive relationship and decided that you weren’t “ready for another relationship”, but you needed another relationship. It often is the case that we are not ready for something but need it anyway.

    You met a man who wanted something casual, aka sex, I suppose and you are now in a “friends with benefits relationship” without the friends part (“hardly even friends”). So it is a “benefits relationship” only. Here is your benefit: “the hookups are enjoyable”.

    But the joy doesn’t last between the hookups, being terrified (“I’m terrified he will just leave forever as soon as the sex stops”)  is not joyful. I think you are stuck because you are afraid that ending this relationship will wrench your heart out, like you stated yourself.

    “It all sounds so silly”- not  to me. Fear is not silly, in my mind. It is a powerful emotion.

    Why don’t you talk to him, share with him what you shared here, or did you?

    anita

    April 7, 2019 at 8:24 am #287957
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi J,

    I think we as a society are so “touch starved” and lack close relationships (lovers, friendships, family, etc.) that we will take ANYTHING.

    One (possible???) way to keep this guy (if you’d even want to???) is to get him used to seeing you WITHOUT having sex. Maybe every other hookup something happens: you have a headache (so he has to take care of you), your friend has a crisis (so he gets to help be a hero in your world), you get drunk and fall asleep with your clothes on.

    Meanwhile, convince yourself that you are, in fact, a catch. Go out on a lot of dates. Let this guy know you are dating other people but HE (lucky dog!) is the only one you are currently sleeping with! (Maybe he’ll get competitive when he sees flowers from another guy in your kitchen, etc.)

    Get your hair and nails done. Get a massage. Play with the kittens at the animal shelter. This is so your body is not as touch starved.

    Finally, visit your girlfriends and relatives THAT MATTER. Even if they live hundreds of miles away, visit them for that connection of Being Known.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

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