I’ve been attracted to my colleague since I met him 2 years ago, my first day at my new job. The attraction was instant and strong and has never subsided.

5 months ago, I suggested that if he wanted to hang out together outside of work, he should let me know. He asked for my phone number a week later, and he was very nervous about it.

He texted that he was going to take me out for dinner but then didn’t follow up. I texted him asking what was going on, and he called me and explained a lot of things. He’s a recovered alcoholic. The last time he drank was for 3 days after the breakup of his rebound relationship after his marriage ended 2 years ago. He goes to AA religiously. He was sober for many years prior to that and since those 3 days. But apparently they were quite devastating. He seems to fear losing control of himself like that again.

He said that he wants to be friends first in any relationship, but doesn’t know how to do that. He started asking me to go for a walk every day during our break at work, but didn’t want to see me outside of work. One day, I asked what he wanted in a relationship, and he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He’s just focused on getting his life together.

I went home and cried. Then I continued to be his friend, because his desire for friendship is sincere and his body language is always that he’s attracted to me.

During the holidays when we didn’t see each other, I decided to start dating to try to find the relationship I want. I sent him a text telling him, just to be open. He said he understood and wished me luck. Back at work, we continued to go on walks. He told me that does want a relationship, it just has to be with the right person. He wants a Christian woman. I explained that one thing I like about him is his spirituality, and that I don’t think we are mismatched just because we don’t believe the same dogma. We are both very spiritual. After that we went skiing together with out kids (2 each, exactly same ages/genders), and started hanging out outside of work a lot, with our kids. He also called me every night and we’d talk for 1-2 hours.

One thing led to another and we ended up kissing, etc. But neither of use wanted to sleep together until we were more committed. I wanted to take things slow, as I worried he would get overwhelmed. The last night he came over with his kids, his daughter came out of the kids’ bedroom where they were playing and caught us kissing. She didn’t seem to notice, even, but he told me it gave him a lot of anxiety and made him realize he is not ready to be in a relationship. He was very kind about it, and he really stressed that he enjoys hanging out with me and wants to continue to spend time together, but without any of the romantic, physical, relationship aspect.

I told him, again kindly, that I want a deep and intimate friendship like that within a relationship, and asked him not to text me or call me anymore unless he wants that with me.

It’s been hard seeing him at work. I hurt my foot the other day and asked him for a ride to my car. He told me to ask him anytime for anything. I asked him the next day if he’s had time to think about things at all. He said he has. He said, hopefully we can go for walks again when your foot is better.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to let go of my intense desire to be with him, but when I do that, all I have is this certain feeling of confidence that we’re meant to be together and I go about my day filled with a peaceful and certain hope. But then I see what an illusion this is, and I try harder to let him go, but end up fantasying about our future together. I’ve been so drawn to him since the day I met him, from the very first instant our eyes connected. He wants to be friends. I would like to be his friend. He needs one. He is genuine in his desire for friendship with me. But my ego feels so rejected. I want him to be in love with me, like I am with him. I fear any attempt to be friends with him would be artificial on my part, as I want so much more. I want to marry him.

So I’m wondering if I should stay away from him for our mutual benefit, or accept his offer of friendship, although it is less than what my heart desires?

How do you let go of such an intense attachment to a person who you must see every single day?

Thank you!