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In love with my colleague

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  • March 24, 2019 at 2:16 am #286019
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Stargazer,

    Firstly kudos on taking the first step. That is awesome!

    However, you have asked multiple times if he wants to be in a relationship and he said no. I understand that he is a great guy but clearly he does not want what you want. He is just not ready, he may be in the future, but you do not know how long that will be. The longer you wait the more this will hurt.

    The feeling that you are meant to be is natural because you like him.

    To let go of the attachment, you need to see things for what they are and how that is different from what you want. There is a beautiful future you are seeing with him and it is that expectation that is making it hard to leave all this behind. The possibility that there are great things ahead is making it hard for you to accept what is.

    Seeing him everyday is of course hard, but it wouldn’t be if you let go of this expectation and look for what you need elsewhere.

    Remove him from your love life completely. You are friends, you do not need to inform him of your decision to move on. If you were to date casually, go out with other guys and enjoy hobbies – you will see that there is no one person that you need in your life – every person has something great to offer,  some people you may be able to connect with better than others but you need not wait for one person for eternity. You would make life much easier for both of you by letting this go and just staying friends – friends at work – there is no need to mix one-sided love, work and your children into one relationship.

    gj

    March 24, 2019 at 6:19 am #286029
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stargazer:

    Reads to me that he is honest, conscientious and significantly anxious man, fearful of losing his sobriety again/ losing control, of not being a good parent, and more.

    He turned to AA (it was formed by Christians and has a strong god/higher power element to it) to help him with his anxiety as well as to Christianity. What AA and traditional Christianity have in common is a set of rules (do-and-do-not), clearly stated expectations of conduct. a map or a guide on how to get from point A (struggles) to point B (peace of mind/safety) and a structure of meetings. These are very helpful to significantly anxious people.

    He did show interest in you as a friend and otherwise (kissing and such) and he told you at one point that he “does want a relationship, it just has to be with the right person”-

    -My suggestions: find out what church he goes to, for how long and how rigid or flexible their rules. Get a feel as to whether his church involvement is congruent with the future you wish to have with him as a wife and co-parent.

    -Be a leader in the relationship: come up with reasonable, just, workable rules for him and for you, guidance and a structure for him. In that way you will be a solution for him (in line with the solutions he already chose) and not a problem.

    Examples of rules within a relationship: have one romantic date a week, a date that will end .. let’s say at 9 pm or no later than 10 pm. Children will not be involved in that once per week date.

    Another rule: in a meeting between you involving the the children, during the weekend perhaps, there will be no romance, no affection in words or conduct, no physical contact between you and him, and it will not be inside anyone’s home but in public, as in a picnic.

    You can set rules regarding phone/ text communication, frequency and times within the day on weekdays and weekends, as well as later on, if a relationship progresses, rules regarding interactions with his ex wife.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

     

    March 24, 2019 at 6:58 am #286031
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Stargazer,

    I would be grateful for what you have: You are in love with a nice person you get to see almost every day! Sometimes you can’t get more than that.

    Listen: He is a recovering alcoholic dad with kids. Maybe when the kids are grown and flown you’ll have a shot. But not for marriage.

    There is a certain “frailty” about him from what I’ve read. Not good husband material.

    Best,

    Inky

    March 24, 2019 at 1:59 pm #286127
    Stargazer
    Participant

    Thank you so much for the comments. I’ve considered everything you’ve stated.

    There is a certain frailty about him, and he likely isn’t good husband material. Nonetheless, my heart says yes. And yes, I am grateful that I still get to see him every day.

    He likely does need a relationship within the bounds of certain rules and boundaries. I have already attended his church to see if I could handle it. I can, but it seems to me his beliefs are rooted in a deep fear of himself.

    I have been trying to date, but it is difficult with young kids of my own. Whereas with him, we are at the same stage in life.

    I think the path forward is to try to meet someone else, but to say yes and be open to whatever he proposes, whether that be just an occasional walk or a deeper friendship.

    Thanks again!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Stargazer.
    March 25, 2019 at 8:58 am #286221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Stargazer.

    anita

    March 25, 2019 at 9:28 am #286235
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Stargazer,

    You heart wants a good husband. Your heart says yes because you like him. But now even you see he isn’t good husband material. Console your heart.

    Dating someone just because they are at the same stage as you and because it seems easier considering your kids sounds practical – but you have not dated him yet. It could be just as hard. Is this you being practical or is this your heart making excuses?

    be open to whatever he proposes – you clearly seem to think what he will propose will be something platonic. You have to be okay with that. Where I am from, we say ” he is a brother to me”. Can you do that?  With no expectation that the walks could eventually lead to a relationship or marriage?

    gj

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