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family vs boyfriend

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • March 18, 2019 at 11:41 am #285129
    Naaz
    Participant

    First I want to say English isn’t my first language so you know if I make any writing mistakes 🙂
    I am 19 and have 10 year older boyfriend who has a 7 year old child. We have been together for a year and I’ve tried to tell my parents about our relationship but they strongly disapproved it due to age difference.

    They said I can’t keep dating him, so I broke up with him. I felt so bad for making that decision, decision that wasn’t mine. Eventually we started seeing again, but I did not tell my parents because I’m totally scared of their reaction.

    This makes me unable to totally enjoy my life, I can’t be confident because I’m not strong to fight for this relationship because of my fear of my parents being mad at me for this reason. I’m scared of fights with them.

    But on the other hand, I am so sure of our love. I became a better person with him, and he with me. I started being motivated to do right things. We live in different towns, so every weekend he comes so we could spend time together. I see that it’s not like he uses me (which my mother said)

    At the end of the day, I still have to hide everything. My emotions, my dates with him and happiness. I am so tired of it, because I can’t pretend like things are different nor I can lose him or them.

    March 18, 2019 at 12:19 pm #285147
    Mark
    Participant

    Naaz,

    It can be difficult with parents who don’t support your decisions in life.  It is even harder when you live with them.

    Consider this as part of you “growing up,” i.e. being mature enough, self confident enough to stand on your own decisions.

    Great that you are a better person with your boyfriend.  Right now you say you are not confident enough, not strong enough, and too fearful and scared of your parents to fully live the life you want.  It’s a growing process.  This challenge of your parents is giving you an opportunity to become more confident, become stronger and braver.

    In most societies and cultures, living on your own is one of the first steps in becoming your own person, on being a “grown up” and an adult.  Look to that as a goal.

    Mark

    March 18, 2019 at 1:19 pm #285163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Naaz:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask:

    1. “I did not tell my parents because I’m totally scared of their reaction”- what do you think their reaction would be?

    2. Did your parents meet your boyfriend?

    3. Is your parents’ concern the age difference alone, or did they express to you other concerns regarding him?

    4. What is your boyfriend’s attitude regarding your parents’ disapproval, what did he say to you about it and about hiding your relationship with him?

    anita

    March 18, 2019 at 1:47 pm #285165
    Naaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    here are answers to your questions

    1. I think their reaction will be similar to one they already had – telling me I’m naive, not having trust. I am even scared what would happen with my future, because my father is the one who will pay for my education and such. I don’t want to be punished for being in love.

    2. No, but he wanted to meet them.

    3. Mostly it’s about his child, they said he’ll get me pregnant and the other is his status, they think I deserve better because he didn’t go into higher education.
    (he actually works hard and makes money which I think should be respected)

    4. He feels sorry because of what I have to go through. When I felt pressured to choose between him and family, he said he supports whatever my decision is and although I choose family he will wait. He keeps saying he’ll do whatever it takes but I see that he is hurt in a way. Also, I met his family.

     

    Naaz

    March 18, 2019 at 1:50 pm #285167
    Naaz
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    thank you for your answer. It definetly made me hope that this will somehow turn good.

    Maybe this is what I need, but I’ll wait until I’m sure I have courage to go all out

    Naaz

    March 18, 2019 at 2:09 pm #285175
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Naaz:

    Reg #3, you wrote that your  parents said that he’ll get you pregnant “and the other is his status”- I didn’t understand, what do they mean by “status” and who is his status: his seven year old child.. or the mother of his child (he is not.. married to another woman, is he?)

    Reg #4, he told you that “he will wait”, wait for what?

    I will be back in about an hour, and will reply further if you answer me when I return.

    anita

    March 18, 2019 at 11:06 pm #285245
    Naaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    They refer to his status as job, level of education. He isn’t married to mother of his child. I understand he isn’t ideal guy they want for me, but what I want to say is he is good person, takes care of me and loves me. He isn’t a guy that will cheat on me or do stuff to upset me.

    He told me he will wait when we broke things off, he said that if I ever want to get back togehter and find way to make things right with parents he will be there. He wants to meet them, explain his intentions and feelings.

     

    Naaz

    March 19, 2019 at 7:44 am #285265
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Naaz:

    I suggest that for as long as you are living with your parents and/or for as long as your father pays your bills, including the higher education you are planning on having, that you will be honest with them. Do not continue to betray their trust in you.

    It will be okay for you to date this man today, if today you are no longer living with your parents and you not receiving money from them. Maybe he can arrange for you to move out and live elsewhere, maybe with him.

    But if you choose to stay with your parents, be honest and transparent with them, don’t hide, don’t lie to  them. He said he is willing to wait for you, then let him wait for you to move out of your parents and no longer be financially supported by them, whatever it takes to make that happen.

    Don’t fight with your parents. You can calmly present information to them, calmly tell them why you think this man is a good choice for you, but no arguments, no fighting.

    anita

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