“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~Susan Cain
We live in a culture that celebrates extroversion and sees introversion as a weakness or something to overcome.
If you’re an introvert, you may have grown up believing there was something wrong with you. You may not even have realized there’s a word for your personality type, that 26 to 50% of the population falls under that umbrella, and that our brains are actually wired differently than extroverts’ brains.
According to Scott Barry Kaufman, the Scientific Director of the Imagination Institute (which sounds like the coolest place in the world to work), it all boils to down to the neurotransmitter dopamine.
When our brains release dopamine, we feel more motivated to strive for external goals and rewards, like a raise or an ever-widening social circle. Though we all have the same amount of dopamine in our brains, the reward center is more active in extroverts. That’s why an extrovert might feel energized and excited anticipating a social event, while introverts might feel over-stimulated.
We introverts rely on a different neurotransmitter, acetylcholine, which makes us feel good whenever we turn inward—something we’re much better able to do in calm environments, with minimal external stimulation.
Yes, I said “we.” I’m a proud deep thinking, quiet-time needing preferrer of profound conversations over small talk. I’d rather dissect the meaning of life on a rooftop below a starry night, with one close friend by my side, than scream over loud music amid a rowdy crowd at a party or in a bar.
For years, I felt like a loser because I have fewer friendships than most and spend more time alone. But it’s not that I’m less likable than other people (or at least, I hope that’s not true). It’s just that I detest forced socialization, superficial relationships, and feeling the pressure to ‘perform’ for a group.
While I’m beyond relieved to finally recognize my personality type isn’t a character flaw, I appreciate when the people around me understand and value my nature as well. And I know I’m not alone.
I recently asked the introverts within Tiny Buddha Facebook community what they wish people understood about them, and their responses all sounded like pieces of my own internal monologue. Below, I’ve shared a small selection of the 1,000+ comments that came in.
If you’re an introvert, this list might put into words what you’ve thought many times—from all different angles, while enjoying various solo activities. If you’re an extrovert, this will hopefully give you a little more insight into how your introverted friends feel, what they want and need, and why they do the things they do.
25 Things Introverts Wish People Understood About Them
1. I’m never lonely. I love, love, love the time I spend alone (or just with my immediate family). It feeds my soul. ~Kim Kay
2. I would rather have a deep conversation with one or two people than small chit chat with twenty-five. I value quality over quantity. ~Lyle Hatch
3. I’m not grumpy or unsociable, I just don’t know how to do small talk. Also, I’m not boring or uninteresting; you just never initiate deep conversations with me. ~Natashia Lee
4. I do not enjoy forced conversation and situations. They only make me want to retreat back to my own space. Just let me sit back to observe, and I will decide if I should join in. ~Michelle Bush West
5. I do not think I am better than you. ~Kimmie Nielsen
6. I mean what I say and only speak when I have to say something. ~Roland Laufer
7. Not wanting to hang out is not personal. I need way more down time and rest than other people may, and that doesn’t mean I’m lazy. ~Dani Hughes
8. We’re not all social butterflies; we’re more like social caterpillars. We take a while to open up. When we do, we can either be like a butterfly around you, but if things go south we’ll want to stay in the ‘wrapped up’ phase forever! ~Carole Ann Rickerd
9. Canceling plans with people less than twenty-four hours beforehand has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my self-care. ~Sahej Anand Kaur Khalsa
10. Just because I’m not all smiley and enthusiastic doesn’t mean I’m not happy. ~Brandon Logan
11. When you mention how quiet I am because I don’t talk much in large gatherings or make a big deal when I do speak, it just makes me feel self-conscious and retreat more into myself. ~Angela Eaves
12. I cannot be “on” when you want me to. There are times when I can join the conversation or party, and times when I simply cannot. ~Sabree Johnson
13. Just because I’m an introvert doesn’t mean I’m anti-social or stuck up. It just takes me longer to recover from events and big groups of people. ~Angela Stewart
14. I deeply care and empathize with so many people in my life, even those that I don’t know personally. I can’t ‘turn it off.’ Going home is my way of avoiding overworking my emotions. It’s so I can rest up and be a good friend, colleague, employee, and citizen tomorrow. ~Jayme Taylor
15. My silence in group conversations isn’t aloofness, indifference, or lack of personality. I’d just rather get to know you one-on-one before I start revealing my thoughts and opinions. ~Amanda Perrett
16. Just because I’m not loud and don’t share my feelings with everyone in sight, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have them. Quite the opposite. I feel things very deeply. ~Liz Szentendrei
17. I’m not a flamboyant personality, but I have as much substance as the next person. ~Terrie Lynch
18. Sometimes I just want to walk in silence, but I am neither sad nor lonely. ~Debra Temple
19. Just because we keep to ourselves, or we are not talkative, does not mean we do not have an opinion or are less intelligent than others. ~Tony Solis
20. Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m upset or mad, so there’s no need to keep asking me “Are you okay?” That gets very tiring. ~Linda Burton
21. I’m not talking because I don’t have anything worthwhile to say and I’m fine with the silence. ~Amber Lockey
22. Sometimes I may act extroverted, but it’s kind of a survival skill I’ve adopted in an extroverted-centered world. Still leaves me feeling mentally exhausted and drained. And feels unnatural. ~Dalas McCown
23. If you ask a question and we don’t respond right away we are thinking through every possible response, how you might react to each response, if it is actually the truth, and then we might get distracted and eventually ponder the meaning of life … even if you just asked how we are doing. ~Michelle Cobley
24. I don’t hate people. I just save my energy for genuine interactions. ~Sharon Stewart
25. I want to be invited! I may not always go or have the ability to stay long, but it doesn’t mean I want to be entirely left out. ~Diana Rouge
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Extroverts, is any of this news to you? And introverts, is there anything you’d add to the list?
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is also an autistic’s list of basic needs.
Absolutely love this – thank you. It was a pleasure to read, sitting alone in a sunbeam by my wood stove in my totally quiet house.
Love,
A smiling contented introvert.
This list is very true for a number of reasons. As an introvert, (especially one that can turn “on” at work so people don’t believe I’m an introvert), explaining that I enjoy going home to be alone for some downtime, or that an hour of social interaction is sufficient for me, or that I may be technically alone but I’m never lonely…explaining that all the time is absolutely exhausting. It’s ok to be an introvert. There is nothing wrong with you just like there is nothing wrong with people who classify themselves in other ways.
This is so accurate it makes my heart happy
Thank you for this!
#3….yes. at my current job people told me I was antisocial and unapproachable so I tried to walk around and speak to people everyday. It all seems so forced and artificial. I wanted to talk about deep subjects and they wanted to talk about the weather and sports. Nothing wrong with either, but I couldn’t do it.
#9… unfortunately sounds a bit inconsiderate. Yes, self-care is important. But making a habit of canceling plans on short notice and then telling people it’s due to self-care is a little inconsiderate. Maybe creating an emergency self-care plan can be helpful in times where cancelling may not be the best option. It’s great to be kind to ourselves but we must not forget to be kind to others.
Aww. I am forever grateful for you Lori and for Tiny Buddha, I wish there was a page like this way back 20 years ago when I was just a 10 year old kid thinking that the things I did was wrong because they are different from the others. I really love this page and I wanna see you in person if the universe permits and so I can hug you. You and the whole team of Tiny Buddha changes so many lives – mine and my partner’s life are one of those. Today I am happy, excited and proud to always be an introvert, that being one is cool and amazing in many ways and because of that I am so inlove with myself. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much Lori 🙂
I can relate to this post on such a deep level. Being a 20 year uni student and introvert at heart, I find it hard to deal with large groups, often studying by myself as I find it so much easier to cope with. In the past I felt that there was something wrong as I have always preferred deep one-on-one conversations over small talk. I found Tiny Buddha just over two years ago and it completely changed my life. From the various stories from the lives of others I have learnt so much about myself and life, I have learnt to love and accept myself. So thank you Lori, for you and for everyone who has contributed to this wonderful site. I feel blessed to have found it and be a part of the community.
Without sounding dramatic, ever since I was a child up till adulthood and middle age I was misunderstood, and most people would only want me around to mock me or for some other novelty reason. Because of these situations, I was never able to properly develop normal relationships with people which made matters worse. In any event I can relate to most of these statements others made here. It’s better most times to be alone than be in a toxic dysfunctional relationship period. By the way, my list to being an introvert would be. . .
1. Being around mindless cackling. e.g Whoo! har har etc.
2. Conversations where others constantly try to one up each others story’s.
3. Dumb downed meaningless conversations and having to lower one’s self to participate.
4. Having to make excuses for ones life choices or not having made the right ones according to the group.
Interesting! I’ll have to share this with my autistic friends, then, to see how this speaks to them.
You’re most welcome. That sounds wonderful! =)
Wonderful – making hearts happy is always a goal of mine! Thanks for taking the time to write. =)
Yes, that’s true. I guess I’ve been there as well.
You’re welcome!
I’m the same with superficial conversations. Forced and artificial – that’s exactly how they feel! I sometimes tell myself I should be okay with small talk, but it just doesn’t interest me for long.
I hear ya on #9. I wouldn’t like it if someone always cancelled the day before for self-care, but if it wasn’t a regular habit, I’d understand. I know I’ve been in that place before where I committed to something and then realized, last minute, I just wasn’t in the right headspace to follow through.
I hear ya, Michael! I love when I meet other introverts because they completely understand the need and appreciation for alone time, and love discussing this – over an hour-long lunch, before we part ways and do our own thing!
Hi Ann,
Thanks so much for this. I’m truly touched – and I’d gladly take that hug! From one proud introvert to another, you’re most welcome. ☺️
Lori
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve experienced, Gomek. It sounds incredibly traumatizing. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Is there anyone in your life who understands and respects you now?
Yes. Thank you for your beautiful response.
You’re most welcome, Alannah! I’m so happy to hear that the site has been helpful to you, and I’m glad you’re part of the community. =)
You’re most welcome. =)
Totally, totally identify with this. Each and every point resonated with me. If only, people would understand first before judging. Lori, you are doing a fab job and a big shout out to this website which has become a good friend now. It brings me a lot of peace of mind. Love and peace to all.
Thanks so much, Malika! I think everyone would be a lot happier if understanding before judging was the norm. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the site, and I so appreciate the acknowledgment. =)
When I was a small child my father recited a poem to me – it was “A Wise Old Owl” and even at that young age it immediately resonated with the introvert in me and I’ve never forgotten it. It took a couple of decades before I gained a real understanding of what it means to be an introvert, and a couple of decades more to become comfortable with who I am. Everything in this list is part of my existence, and these days they are part of my joy in living an introverted life. Thanks for the compilation Lori, and for all your hard work on this website <3
I love that poem. And I too took quite a while to both understand my introversion and not only accept it, but celebrate it. You’re most welcome, and thank you so much for the acknowledgement. =)
Well, this describes me to the T. Definitely going to send this out to my mom since she’s always had trouble understanding why I do the things I do and has often taken it personally.
I’m glad this was useful to you, Melinda!
Amazing! Love this blog. Helps to know I am not alone. Being an introvert sometimes is so freeing because you understand yourself more than extroverts do themselves. It’s sad how the world labels introverts as shy or just boring or whatever. I shared this blog on my blog to hopefully help others as you just did me.
I’m glad this spoke to you, Richard! Thanks for sharing. =)
10000% agree I noticed prob age 8 I’m 45 my kids are very gifted. Oldest nuclear engineer (son)middle nurse in the er (daughter) youngest marine intelligence (son) we all need our space & quiet time. I can sit in my car for hours alone in the shade lol & peace just fine. :):) I’m 45 now & happy alone most of the time ❤
“Extroverts, is any of this news to you?”
Is this suppose to be a clap back?
Well… no not really, but I will add that highly sensitive extroverts need alone time too (and feel many of these things). None of us are absolute.
I’ve always been considered an extrovert because I am comfortable talking to people, getting loud, and I love throwing parties. But I have a lot of introvert qualities too. For example, I prefer to work on projects in complete silence, I don’t always feel like hanging out with others, and I enjoy my alone time at home. I think it’s a sliding scale for everyone. Some people are far to one side or the other, but I’m betting most of us fall somewhere in the middle.
I think I am more introvert than extrovert. But I do think introverts have to be careful to still be considerate and polite. I feel some people are using it as an excuse to be inconsiderate of others. Being mature requires us to go out of our comfort zones to a degree for the sake of others.
Thank you for sharing. This is definitely me. It took me years to come to that understanding, and now I completely embrace it. In doing so, I learned to be comfortable with my existence and not worry about what others think or feel about who they think I am or what they feel I should be doing with my life.
You’re most welcome! That’s wonderful that you’ve been able to embrace your nature. =)