Dear Katie:

In this thread you suggested that your legs may not be thin enough, your stomach not nice or flat enough, your hair not shiny and your skin not clear enough without treatments, your body not amazing and your face not beautiful enough, your nose not the best,  your forehead too small.

Almost a year ago, Feb 20 2018, you shared the following: “She (your mother) told me that all the teachers thought something was wrong with me. They made my parents have me taken to see a therapist to find out what was wrong”-

– it wasn’t that your legs were not thin enough, your stomach not flat enough and so forth, that was wrong with you, was it?

What was wrong at the time, early on, what was it?

anita

You know, opening Instagram, a plethora of pictures instantly explode across the screen. From the orangest sunset up the mountain to pretty models in outfits to die for. It is perfectly curated and people know that. But many people still buy into the pictures while envying the person behind the account. Because they want that popularity, they want that acknowledgement that people across the net seems to give to these accounts. So they copy what’s been done hoping to attain a sliver of that attention.

In your case, you’re seeking external validation through something that you feel you can control, which is your beauty via your body. Because you’ve seen that your friend had seemingly obtained ‘affection’ from strangers due to the fact that she is beautiful. Because she was beautiful, she had certain privileges that you might never know as you are ugly. People even go out of their way to date her because of her beauty. And when you watch that, you tell yourself the story that you’re not pretty. And since you’re not pretty, you need to work at being pretty.

Dieting is controllable. Skin care is controllable. And since they’re under your control, you feel in control. But no matter how much you do these things, you still feel yourself as ugly. So you keep rationalizing that if you continue to do these things, you will eventually be pretty. People will then like you because you’re finally pretty. You keep telling yourself stories that pretty people have the best privileges because people acknowledge their existence so you have to be pretty. And then you reached the physical form of pretty, but you still feel ugly. You’ve tell yourself stories that you’re ugly because that’s the stories you’ve been telling yourself since you were 15, maybe even younger. Why? Because people decided that you didn’t meet their standards so they hit on your friends, they noticed other girls around you, but they never seem to notice you, or so you tell yourself.

You tell yourself stories how it’s about other people; how if only they would notice you then they can see how pretty you are and maybe, just maybe, they’ll also want to get to know you. The you that is not just your physical form, but the person with dreams and wishes and emotions and not just a pretty face, or a plain face or an ugly face. You seek for approval from others by trying to be physically pretty. You give people the agency to decide your worth for you as you try to grab their attention. You want someone to give you the validation that you crave because you don’t approve of yourself.

But it’s hard not to take those opinions and make them into your own thoughts. After all, you are always interacting with your surrounding in some way, and the world is harsh in its judgment in that if you’re not #1, then you aren’t worth much. And not many have the insight to guide children and teenagers to find value in themselves without the white noise that is other people’s opinions believing they have the right to comment on and critique other people’s worth. The world is constantly judging you for one thing or another and it’s really difficult not to want to meet those expectations to be #1.

You might be physically pretty, but you don’t feel beautiful because you don’t feel you have any values. You were surrounded by those who value a beautiful appearance, but were never taught that you could be more than just a pretty face. You were taught to seek external validation because it’s simply easier to judge someone’s appearance than tell them to look inside of themselves. The people around you gave the impressions that they would only value your existence if only you were pretty, so you strive to be pretty.

But as you’ve found out, it’s really exhausting trying to meet someone’s else demands, imaginary as they are. And now you’re at the crossroad of exhaustion.

Now, there are many things you can do about it, but the two prominent thing is either you do nothing and continue on striving to attain an imaginary goal of beauty or you can look at the stories you’ve been telling yourself and question it.

Start with: Why beauty? Why ugly? Why is it about someone else deciding for you that you are pretty? Why is it someone else deciding for you that your existence has value in any way by giving you attention? Why must you compete/compare with other females? Why must your existence be valuable only when someone acknowledge you based on your prettiness?

If you don’t like the stories you are telling yourself right now, then learn to rewrite them. Your stories are your most important beliefs about yourself, even when they contain the words and voices of the people in your environment. But you are still the one to decide whose voice matter, which voice is truly important one, in the end.

Hi, Katie.

It seems that you would want to be admired by men. Have you  considered why you want it and what would it accomplish? Do you want to get into a relationship? What kind of relationship would that be? Do you want to start a family some day? What is ultimately the reason why you want to be admired and recognized for your beauty?

To GL:

This is such a beautiful and compassionate response.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by AlexF.

Hi Katie

I have a beautiful best friend. Every time we go out men drop off their phone number and names with a “call me”. When Diane was pregnant men would run across a store to open a door for her. Once at a concert Diane dropped her sweater and the performer left the stage to retrieve and return her sweater. And on and on. Diane is also the most gorgeous person on the inside.

I don’t have “IT”. I never had IT. No amount of dieting or self care was ever going to give me “IT”

IT is a knowing that you are attractive and worthwhile. I’m a VERY worthwhile, smart, kind, caring, and giving person. I’m a great mother, friend, daughter, and pastwife.

I am unattractive. I am tall. I have huge hands and feet (man sized). I have dry frizzy hair. I have tiny eyes with droopy lids. I have a face that is long and narrow – like a lozenge.  All I ever wanted was to be cute and petite. Like my older sister.

I believe my un-attractiveness has kept me from getting the very best jobs. I have never had a huge selection of men that were interested in me. And yet I’m very happy. I acknowledge and accept that I’m unattractive (on the outside). I don’t put myself in situations where that is going to be an issue for me. I walk by the water, I sing, I play drum, I meditate, and I spend time with the people who love me.

Consider how close you are to achieving maximum attractiveness. You can create “IT” by believing in yourself, and loving yourself.  Be happy and content. Smile more – it’s a magnet. Praise yourself every morning and every night before bed. Set goals and work towards them.

Good luck!