Home→Forums→Relationships→Confused whether to take a break or break up
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February 6, 2019 at 12:56 pm #279023
AnonymousInactiveHello!
My boyfriend and I (both in our late twenties) met roughly 7 months ago through common friends at a casual, intimate house party. We became good friends real soon and started dating 2 months later. These last 5 months have been a total bliss. He is a great guy, very caring and attentive, unlike my previous boyfriends. Both of us really connected well and had a great chemistry right from the start. It is not just love but we both trust, respect and support each other. Both of us communicate and understand each other, as if it comes naturally to us both. Overall we have a very positive, healthy and a mature relationship.
But, when we first met he was already in a long-distance relationship (1 year with live-in and 2 years as LDR). So, basically both of us were not actually looking for anything when we met. He told me about his girlfriend about a week after we started talking. He and his ex-girlfriend had met only three times during the 2 years in LDR, with their last meeting almost 9 months prior to our first meeting. She is on a different continent altogether to pursue higher studies. They had been experiencing some major issues in their relationship from the past one year, with disagreements on financial and family related issues. On few occasions he shared with me that he could not voice his opinions to her otherwise it would almost always result in a fight. He even felt being verbally abused at times and had finally decided to end things with her. He never spoke ill of her and always said she is a good person but they were not good together anymore.
It was only after he ended his previous relationship, that we started dating. However, I was really adamant that he should take some time, atleast a few months, and even suggested that he should wait and discuss things with his ex- in person, as she had plans to visit few months later. But he kept convincing me that he was already over her and did not need to meet her in person. I also started to believe him as I saw he made real efforts for us to be together. Also, I felt that since they had not met roughly for 1 year, it would not take him much time to move on (and I was so wrong!). Still, I had my doubts and I asked him on several occasions, if his feelings towards me (during our time as friends, he did tell me once that he liked me) had something to do with his break-up, which he completely denied. After much convincing and initiation from his part, I gave in and we started dating. Things got pretty serious soon. But there were few occasions where we would talk about his ex-girlfriend. As the month of her planned visit arrived, I asked my boyfriend to let me know if she contacts him to meet. I was okay with them meeting for closure.
But things took a weird turn soon. Few days before she arrived, my boyfriend met me and told that he has been thinking about her and feels he did her wrong as she loved him and deserved better than break up over a phone call. He said he needed a break from our relationship, since he would like to talk to her, or even meet her and resolve his feelings as it would be unfair to me as well if he is thinking about her while he is with me. As we talked, I asked him clearly if he would consider getting back together with her if things went well. All he could reply was that he is in a conflicted state of mind and at that moment he just wanted to talk to her ( and may be meet). If they could have a proper conversation and get past their issues he might consider getting back together with her. So, obviously I told him that we should break up in that case as I cannot keep waiting for him in a situation like this, where he himself is not clear of what he wants.
This was two weeks ago. We have talked once on the phone this whole time. He told me he met her once at a public place before she left. They have been talking since, about various issues they had and still ended up fighting. He even told her about us, that we are not talking as of now and still she wants to get back together.
Yesterday, he called to tell me that he still loves me and does not want to be with her. He has made this clear with his ex as well but he wants to give her time so that this breakup is not so rough on her. Also, he wants to take time to move on from his past relationship. He keeps on insisting that I should consider this as a break and not a break up. He would like to come back to me once his feelings related to his past relationship are resolved, so that he can be with me completely.
I have so much love for this man that I could wait for him. He has never done me wrong and I want to be there for him, to support him through his tough times. I can feel his conflict and he deserved the time after break up. But its easier said than done. I also end up feeling so confused when I talk to him. Some of his decisions did hurt me. He might have said things in his own confusion, but he ultimately made me feel totally abandoned. However, he does understand and respects my need for no contact for a while. He also prefers it that way for him as well. I want to give us time, but I feel insecure that he might stay in touch with his ex-girlfriend.
Some of his friends have also been saying hurtful things, which left him even more confused. His friends blamed me for not giving him time to move on from previous relationship. Some even went on to say, what we had was just physical attraction and not love. Even my friends said that its not possible to be in love in such a short span of time and things would not be the same if we got back together. That is also partly the reason he wants to figure out things on his own and take his time.
I feel like I would not be able to make a rational decision at this point. I would like somebody’s perspective on this whole situation. Whether I should just break up with him and ask him to not contact me from now on or treat this as a break? Will he be able to move on easily, like is it even worth waiting for him? Did he really love me or not? The more we are talking, things are getting more confusing. Please help!
February 6, 2019 at 2:18 pm #279049
MarkParticipantSuzanne,
If he decided to stay in touch with his ex-gf then that proves that having that break is a good thing for the both of you. You will know definitely that he cannot give her up and using you as the “safety” gf.
I would have no contact for 6 months or more to give him that space so he can find himself (whether that is with his ex or not). Having no contact will keep his confusion from causing confusion with you since the more you two talk, the more confused you get.
Let him have the time and space to figure things out for himself and with his ex. As you said, he wants to figure out things on his own and take his time.
Mark
February 6, 2019 at 2:23 pm #279051AnonymousGuestDear Suzanne:
You met this man sometime later in 2018. A week after meeting you he told you that he had a very long distance girlfriend. The two of you communicated for a while and he shared with you that the two of them had “some major issues in their relationship from the past one year”, that he felt afraid of voicing his opinions with her because she fought with him and at times verbally abused him. At one point he told you that he “had finally decided to end things with her” and the two of you started dating.
The two of you knew that she planned on visiting but he told you that “he was already over her and did not need to meet her in person”. But a few days before she arrived, your boyfriend told you that he “feels he did her wrong as she loved him” and was going to meet her in person after all, that she “deserved better than break up over a phone call”.
He told you that he wants a break from his relationship with you, not a breakup, and during this break he wants to “meet her and resolve his feelings”. He told you that he is “in a conflicted state of mind” and that he “might consider getting back together with her”.
My question to you: before the two of you started dating, he told you that he decided to end the relationship with her, but he didn’t end the relationship with her, did he?
I figure he didn’t end the relationship with her because after you were already dating, before her visit, he told you that she “deserved better than break up over the phone”- meaning he didn’t break up with her yet.
Doesn’t it mean that while dating you he was still in phone/ online communication with her as his long distance girlfriend, that is he was having you as his girlfriend in person and her as his long distance girlfriend, at the same time?
* I will be away from the computer and back in about 14 hours. If you reply I will read and reply again when I am back.
anita
February 7, 2019 at 1:52 am #279105AnonymousInactiveHello Mark!
Thanks for your reply. I understand that it could be a possibility that he is using me as a safety gf, just a back up for now. As of now his complete attention is towards his ex and it hurts me a lot. I do believe that a break is best for both of us at this point. But that sort of leaves me in a limbo and I feel stuck.
In our last conversation he mentioned, his ex wants him to visit her if they want to work things out. It made me upset, that why is he even encouraging conversations like that with her, if he loves me. He did seem torn about the whole situation of visiting her. Among the only reasons for not visiting was that he would have to shell out a lot of money for this unplanned trip. May be I am expecting things to be black and white, but if we are on break, it should be for him to achieve closure and to move on. If he is entertaining the idea of getting back together with her, then we should break up. Since he is not clear himself, I sometimes feel like I should break up and end everybody’s agony.
There might be even a possibility of his going back and forth with his ex even if he comes back to me. Since he is so confused right now, I don’t know what to believe, whether I should even believe everything coming from him. I have had a serious relationship before, and I understand that the sooner you start the moving on period, the better. That is partly the reason why I want to break up.
I do want to give him a chance, but I am not sure whether it will all be worth it in the end. I want to believe him and do things his way with just a break but since he is so confused about everything (which is so unlike him), I am worried that he might do something like this again. So just as a case of self-preservation, I am thinking of breaking up with him. Please let me know your thoughts.
February 7, 2019 at 2:46 am #279109AnonymousInactiveHello Anita!
Thanks for your reply. He did break up with his ex-girlfriend. It was over a phone call but took almost 3-4 days to discuss their feeling about the situation and finally he ended things. After that they did not stay in touch. He contacted her only few days before her planned visit. She was here to visit her family for a week, so he met her only once during that time. Since he initiated the break up and he only got back in touch, she inferred he wanted to get back together. I would like to add, they were serious about each other and he had met her family on several occasions. Though his family stays in a different city, so she had not met his parents, but they knew about her.
Before contacting her, he came to me first and told me that he has been thinking about her. Also, I do not believe that they could have been possibly in touch online. He has been very honest with me right from the start. We were spending almost all the time together after work. Either I used to be at his place or he at mine after work and we would spend our weekends also together. He was so dedicated towards our relationship, that I don’t think he could have been with both of us at the same time.
It was his first serious relationship, so I understand his conflict. He should have taken some time to heal, he also regrets it now. I thought that since he was in LDR for the majority part, the same rules don’t apply.
Even when he first told me about his conflicting feelings, he just came to me looking for a discussion on how should we handle the whole thing. I felt so hurt that I told him to break up, but he suggested a break. He still keeps on checking with me if I am doing okay. He says he wants to be with me a 100%, but I am not sure if that is possible. In his confused state of mind, he is not able to convince me completely. So I would like your thoughts on this whole situation.
February 7, 2019 at 4:36 am #279127AnonymousInactiveDear Suzanne,
This boyfriend is not confused, or in a dilemma. He doesn’t love you. He likes and cares for you maybe but this is not love. I’m deeply sorry if I sound harsh or hurt your feelings. The last thing I want is that. But it’s the truth. He’s leaving you behimd the moment his ex returns, an ex he only saw 3 times in his lifetime, over you, a dedicated partner with whom I imagine spend a lot of time and has a lot of memories with. That says a lot.
No person leaves a person they love guessing or feeling confused, neglected, abandoned. I think I agree with Mark in the sense that you are the back up gf. Don’t underestimate yourself. I wouldn’t give him any time of second life. You love him right? So you would answer me Yes. Imagine him being asked that. Would his immediate response be yes? Or I don’t know it’s complicated my ex coming changed things etc.
My suggestion is to analyze it with yourself. What do you want? What do you need? Say you get back together and the ex onces again returns or moves back for good. What do you imagine as a possible scenario for you? Are you gonna gamble everytime on what that man feels? What about your feelings?
You have to put yourself first. If you’re not his 1 priority and only girl in his heart and mind then that is not a real partnership it’s passing time together. And if you were to continue with him, you would see him drift apart, or have so many unsolvable problems down the road. Trust in you. Don’t settle for so little. Don’t wait for his attention or breadcrumbs. It’s gonna tire you and drain you both emotionally and physically.
February 7, 2019 at 5:53 am #279151AnonymousInactiveDear Sofioula,
Thanks for your reply. You were not harsh, but what you said could be true. My friends also said the same. Actually he was in a 3 year relationship before. They had a live in relationship for 1 year during those 3 years but his ex had to leave the country for higher studies, for which she had plans already. So they decided to stay in a long distance relationship, which lasted for around 2 years. During those 2 years, they met thrice. So they had their set of beautiful memories as well, I suppose.
Yes, I do fear that he might be keeping me as his back up gf. And I agree if I will ask him whether he loves me or not, he will not answer that as a complete unanimous yes. However, he wants that as well, that I should be his no 1 priority and the only girl he thinks about, or atleast that is what he says to me. He just did not take time after his previous break up and in a few weeks started a relationship with me. I understand his point of view. He actually does deserve that space, and I am ready to give him that but I would like to break up whereas, all he wants is a break for sometime.
As someone who has already experienced messy relationships before, I see a pattern here, and he could go back and forth to his ex, but I could be wrong. I do feel he is worth the wait because of the time we had together. But I also agree with you that it will be emotionally and physically draining for me. Things would not be the same even if he comes back. I need to think about this more I guess. Thanks for putting the things into perspective. I have been thinking more about him and his dilemma and not about myself at all.
February 7, 2019 at 6:11 am #279155AnonymousGuestDear Suzanne:
It caught my attention when you shared that he told you that he feels uncomfortable voicing his opinions to her, that doing so resulted in fights and that at times she verbally abused him. They had many misunderstandings in the last year, and they weren’t in a relationship that long when living in the same place, only one year… all reads like not a good relationship. Then he has a wonderful relationship, why is he thinking about her, why is he conflicted…
Maybe he feels guilty, that he owes her something, maybe it is something she encouraged in him, to feel responsible for how she feels, blaming him, I don’t know. What I learned about men in unsatisfying relationships is that often enough, they don’t leave those relationships, they complain a lot and repeatedly, but they don’t leave.
I would say that accepting a break from him, not a breakup, may be a good idea if the two of you are very clear about what a break means: contact or no contact? What does a breakup means, what is the difference between the two, break and breakup?
anita
February 7, 2019 at 6:39 am #279161AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
He did mention it to me that it was not a good relationship. She did made him feel guilty at times. During there break up she even blamed him for initiating sexual intimacy between them, when it was all consensual. He is a sensitive man, and was very hurt by such accusations. I have tried to explain him several times that it is not his fault. But I feel I cannot do this anymore, it was okay as a friend but now it feels like meddling.
He just wants to make sure that she is okay after the break up. He feels he owes her that because of the time they had together. I keep telling him that break ups are supposed to be tough and he will only prolong the pain that comes with the breakup if they will keep talking. It does gets frustrating for me as well, but I cannot tell him what to do and what not to do. He will have to figure that out by himself or otherwise he might end up even blaming me later.
He suggested that during the break, we maintain no contact and it could last few months (4-6 maybe). I agree on no contact during the break. Though we have to discuss in detail what break or break up would entail. But with break, the waiting does make me anxious, the possibility of him coming back or not. Whether he is in touch with his ex or not. Break up will mean, we will no longer stay in touch, I will not entertain the possibility of him coming back to me and will try to move on with my life.
February 7, 2019 at 6:56 am #279167AnonymousGuestDear Suzanne:
Basically what he suggested to you is that you wait for him while he is pursuing another woman. Not fair. I would say then that a break is not a good idea. I would offer him a choice between a breakup with her or a breakup with you, a choice for him to make now, not at his convenience, his timing.
At best you can suggest to him to contact you in the future to let you know how his life is going.
If he does do that, and he lets you know at a future date that he has broken up with her and is interested in you, then you can ask him questions, have conversations and maybe entertain the idea of getting into an exclusive relationship.
It is an if, there are all kinds of ifs, in life. Make the breakup your opportunities to explore other ifs.
anita
February 7, 2019 at 8:57 pm #279281MarkParticipantSuzanne,
I’m with anita on this one except I would not even give him the choice. I would just break up and move on.
He is sharing a lot of private and intimate details with you about him and his ex. That is not honoring her and her privacy. That is disrespectful.
I also he is doing that (probably unconsciously) to lure you in to make the decision for him.
Honor yourself in this and do not get sucked in with his ambiguity.
Mark
February 8, 2019 at 8:02 am #279317AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
I don’t even want to put him in this situation, as I probably know his answer. I suppose you said it right that I should just break up with him. I am so bitter about things currently, that I just want to close the doors forever and move on with my life. It will be tough, but my gut feeling says its the right thing.
Thank you for your thoughts on the whole situation. I feel much better now and less confused.
February 8, 2019 at 8:11 am #279319AnonymousInactiveMark
Yes, I am planning on just moving on from this whole situation. Trust me he has shared a lot more! And obviously I did not like it a bit. He has been doing the same with her, sharing things about our relationship as well. I wonder why would he deliberately do that.
Removing myself from the whole situation would make things easier for me in the long run, though it might be tough for now. If he is not going to take a decision, then let it be.
Thanks for all your help. I feel much more confident of my decision after hearing yours’ and anita’s thoughts on this one.
February 8, 2019 at 8:36 am #279325AnonymousGuestDear Suzanne:
You are welcome. As painful as this is for you, having clarity feels way better than confusion, doesn’t it.
As to why he told you about her and told her about you, I figure it about the same dynamic as when a person who has friendships with two people, person A and person B, then proceeds to gossip to person A about Person B, and separately, gossips to person B about person A. It lets off steam and the person has an easier time proceeding with the (compromised) friendships with both people.
Learn best you can from this experience, use your clarity to learn so that you can choose better in the future, have a better, way better relationship in your future, sooner than later.
anita
February 16, 2019 at 6:16 am #280437AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, having that clarity does make me feel a lot better. However, I do feel that making the decision was the much easier part. In the last week there have been some rough days as well, but I guess that is just the part of process. Sometimes I end up thinking that if I will let myself completely move on, I might not want him later, if he decides to get in touch (which might happen or not). I am not able to shake that thought away. And I go down this rabbit-hole of thoughts- that it will take a lot of effort from both sides to even reach the point where we were. How I sometimes wish there was a way to pause just that part of my life as it is and not let it affect other spheres of my life.
I took the decision of breaking up to avoid any uncertainties related to my future and yet here I am, thinking about the same thing with a different angle! I understand that I need to give myself more time but sometimes the whole thing just ends up frustrating me!
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