Unhappy in relationship with my child’s father

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

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January 30, 2019 at 8:29 am #277703

Bella
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I’ve been with my partner for just over 3 years now. We didn’t plan to have a child, but I got pregnant while I was using birth control pills as a contraceptive. We decided that we were going to keep our child and even though we didn’t feel ready at all- my son is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Im 10 days older than my partner, we are both 27 years old. But 85% of the time I feel like I’m with a 17 year old. Sometimes he is so childish and immature it’s painful. I feel I can never have serious conversations with him about goals for the future, like buying a house, finding careers that will better support our family financially. Anything really- it’s like it’s so hard for him to have an adult conversation. I find myself wondering if I’m still in love with him and if I’m happy being with him anymore.

I feel like we are so different in so many ways. I care deeply about many different issues, I’m passionate about a number of political topics and I just feel like it would be so nice to be with another intellectual person that I can have deep and meaningful conversations with. I even see the reverse point of view- I’m sure I bore him when I talk about these things, I sometimes think he would be much happier with a girl who didn’t seriously care about issues in the world and what not, like someone more laid back and just sort of like he is, just easy-going and light hearted all the time.

I know I still love him because the thought of us being better suited for other people makes my heart ache. But I feel so unhappy sometimes, and so unfulfilled in my relationship.

Any time that a conversation needs to happen- if we get into a fight about something, or just if communication is necessary I always have to be the one to initiate it. And he completely shuts down any time that I try to have conversations with him about communication or our relationship. He looks at his phone, ignores me, tells me he doesn’t want to be with me when we get into heated arguments. I admit I have a temper and I have a hard time keeping a calm tone of voice when we disagree and argue- but my heart means well. I just want to make things better. I just want to feel happy again. It takes so much energy from me to force these conversations and constantly swallow my pride and be the one always trying and trying and trying to keep our relationship afloaf. I just don’t know how much longer I can do it. At some point it just seems like I’m going to break, I can’t keep doing this all by myself. ?

I’m tired of trying.

January 30, 2019 at 9:02 am #277753

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bella:

From your child’s point of view, his father being “laid back.. just easy going and light hearted all the time” is a wonderful thing for him. On the other hand, witnessing his mother initiating and getting “into a fight about something”, carrying on “heated arguments”, having “a temper and .. a hard time keeping a calm tone of voice” is a bad experience for your child. The latter promotes anxiety in a child; the former promotes calm, a feeling of safety that is necessary for a child to thrive.

Maybe you can satisfy your passion regarding political issues with other people, away from home, away from your child?

I suppose you have a choice to make: taking on the role of the adult in the relationship as far as financial planning and such, taking charge that way and allowing your partner other duties or roles in the household, or separate from him.

What do you think?

anita

January 30, 2019 at 5:45 pm #277819

Katleen Quinlan
Participant

Sounds like he is avoiding you. Perhaps your frustration is because he is not taking any responsibility for your relationship, and you are looking like the “bad guy” so you don’t challenge his commitment to the relationship. You say you didn’t plan to have a child and although he is a blessing, has the fact you didn’t plan had an impact on your partner in ways that make him act out. I feel you are not getting your needs met because you are not in an adult relationship and if he will not let you talk. Write it down and give it to him and ask if he is in fear of commitment. Ask if he sees a future for you both.Ask the hard questions, and explain why you are worrying about him not becoming serious. Is he being authentic and not just there to paddle water. I hope you get some answers.

January 31, 2019 at 11:41 am #277907

Inky
Participant

Hi Bella,

Either you grew and he didn’t or… he’s regressing. You didn’t plan for a child. He could be acting out.

Like, “Well, if I’m going to have the responsibilities of a 30 year old, I may as well enjoy myself like a teenager!”

Unfortunately, that looks like he’s stalled in life to most of the world.

I would seriously drop the rope in the relationship. He’s not a bad person, he just doesn’t know how to be a quality person. Instead of arguing with him, I would move out (if living together) and let your relationship with him fade while leaving the door literally open for him to see your child. Tell him that you’d rather enjoy his company than be irritated with him.

And then find a grown up to marry if you decide to.

Best,

Inky

January 31, 2019 at 1:38 pm #277939

Athene
Participant

This sounds so familiar to me except I am married to mine and we both wanted a child, but didn’t think I was able to. Then surprise!

I am a year older than my husband and I felt that he was not serious about the things I thought were important and he thought I was too serious about things altogether. Having our son made me get even more serious. He is also the best thing to ever happen to me. I can’t imagine life without our son.

I, too, was always initiating conversations and short tempered with him. I didn’t feel that either of us were getting our needs met and that it was not only bad for us but for our son to be around. I blamed him for my unhappiness. He would shut down and not want to listen to me.

Turns out that no one wants to listen to someone that is angry all the time and never has anything positive to say to them other than what is wrong with the relationship or what they are doing wrong. Turns out I was not so very mature when it came to communication with him and he did what most people would do. Shut down.

I can promise you that if you change your approach he may be a lot more receptive. If you treat him like the child you believe he behaves like then he will act that out. When I started to look at myself and really listened to how I spoke to my husband, what I was saying and what HE was trying to say then I had to take responsibility for my part in it.

If you truly believe he is not for you then you have to make a decision. If you want to work it out then you need to look inside as you meditate and decide what is important and what is really not.

Remember, if you love someone you love them as they are. If you want to change them then you do not love them unconditionally as they are.

My husband’s sense of humor is one of the things I liked about him. It is a balance. He makes me laugh when I am too serious and I remind him when we need to stop joking and get something accomplished. Then we can go back to fun.

I hope you are able to figure out what you want and need. Life is too short to be too serious. It is OK to have fun too.

A
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