Dear Heartbroken,

Having read your story it resonates closely to that of mine and my ex partner. I too discovered he was a compulsive liar when we were giving each other another shot some two weeks ago and the truth about his behaviour during our split started coming out..

Although they’ve lied about different things the pattern is clear. They release some truth, a tiny part of the truth to see our response. Then if that goes okay they tweak it just a little more towards the actual truth, see how that goes and the cycle goes on and on until you actually hear the whole truth, or don’t.

My ex partner too has now started to seek help through therapy as he has admitted his lies have ruined our relationship.

Im sorry I can’t offer much advice as I too am in your predicament and I know it is horrible, so so horrible when you really want to believe everything they’re saying but because they’ve lied so much it is just impossible. The back and forth of push and pull, anger betrayal and then forgiveness is exhausting and yes I do believe it does set out a guideline of how we allow others to treat us!

I hope that you can find some peace and resolve through this forum and I will follow this thread closely, it’ll be interesting to see other people’s take on this!

Dear Heartbroken:

For some reason, very early on in the relationship it was established that he is the  Suspect,presumed guilty, and you are the Police. A dynamic of you questioning him repeatedly, him denying charges, then breaking under the pressure of interrogation and confessing to charge after charge, offering to go to counseling, even an emergency counseling (almost as in lie of jail time),  and you then showing the guilty Suspect mercy.

It started with you finding out that his last relationship ended with violence of some kind, you then “confronted him” about it (because of previous interrogations regarding his past relationship where he didn’t reveal this incident to you, correct?)- that was the beginning of Police vs Suspect dynamic. He then explained himself to you, had his friends testify on his behalf until you were satisfied and showed him mercy,  deciding to give the Suspect a “second chance”.

Over time, the Suspect had more confessions for you: he drank too much, he smoked cannabis a couple of times/ he never stopped smoking it, he used other drugs,  he dated another girl once after he started dating you but-nothing-happened, he dated that girl three times and a kiss happened, he didn’t pull away quickly enough when a girl managed to land a kiss on him during a lads holiday, after that, he went to a girl’s house to watch dvd and he kissed her.

My thoughts: maybe you interrogated him so often about so many items that he lost sensibility regarding the difference of a wrongdoing, such as hiding his regular cannabis use, something a long term girlfriend should know about a boyfriend, so to be able to make informative choices regarding a future with him and a no-crime, an absolutely no wrong doing of not escaping a girl who landed a kiss on him that he didn’t see coming fast enough.

Maybe he thinks that anything at all, however minute or non existent can be a charge placed against him and he just confesses to anything and everything.

What do you think?

* I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

anita

Heartbroken,

All of this going between you and him over 100 miles apart?

I wonder how many days you two have actually seen each other over what period of time?

Mark

Dear Heartbroken:

As I see it your main problem with him is that he has been a regular cannabis smoker and you don’t want a boyfriend/ future life partner who uses drugs at all, let alone be a regular drug user.

Being under the regular influence of cannabis, as well as occasional alcohol and other drugs does make a person slower to move, slower to escape a kiss in a lads party, and otherwise not exercise good judgment sexually and otherwise. It also affects the memory. Therefore what he has confessed to you regarding a kiss here and there is probably not very dependable as a source of information.

The reason I do not consider your problem with him to be that of him being a compulsive liar is because you have been a compulsive interrogator and the two of you fed each other’s compulsions. Like a child who is repeatedly interrogated and getting into trouble for things he didn’t do, for things he did do and things that just happened, over time the child learns to lie just about anything at all, so to not get into trouble.

I suggest you leave his past alone. Let the man have peace with his past before he met you and the past after. It is gone, and unless he committed a crime that has no time limit according to the law, let him have his peace. After all, you want peace with your past too, don’t you.

I suggest you stop the following pattern: “a lot of hurt and heartache” on your part -> “we argued” -> “so I asked him again” ->”He confessed” -> “He promised he wouldn’t do it ever again”->”I forgave him”.

You wrote: “I can be very insecure and jealous at times… I didn’t want to push him away and was aware it was my issue”- what about counseling for you? Or couple counseling, that would be best.

anita

You are welcome, Heartbroken.

anita