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Trying not to let family around shape me?

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  • January 15, 2019 at 10:58 am #274721
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    There are a few issues here: a marriage, children, career, family-of-origin influence.

    Taking the career and placing it in isolation, or together with the family-of-origin influence, then yes, you should take the traveling job.

    Let’s take the marriage issue and place it in isolation: having read some of your previous thread, then I suggest put an end to the marriage. Unfortunately there is no emotional support for you in that marriage. You are emotionally alone.

    Problem is if you leave your children with your husband, and if he is as bad a father as he is a husband, what then? And what if he chooses to leave them with that woman, his father’s wife you shared about before?

    anita

    January 15, 2019 at 11:50 am #274733
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for always giving me an advice and an honest opinion on my very-confused questions!

    Yes, my responsibility to my children as their mother influences my decision making a lot! I’ve worked at a job I absolutely did not like but that was secure and close to daycare for the past 2 years, and maybe the burnout and the need to compromise is what contributes to my anxiety now.

    If, as you say, I place the job in isolation – I do want it, and I’m excited to learn about the IT area it is related to.

    And you have a good point about my parents interference – even though my father never skyped me to talk to or see his Grandkids in the past nearly 2 years, I’m 100% sure they won’t lose the opportunity to turn my husband against me in case of a separation (so might his own parents). On my end, I could only go for a divorce once I have enough of secure income to keep me afloat, so I can be employable under any circumstances. Which still points me to accepting this job offer to break this vicious circle of weakness and doubt…

    God, I’ve just realized every single topic I’ve started here is family related! Not work, not love-life, not friendship  –  but something completely out of my control!

    January 15, 2019 at 12:26 pm #274743
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    Maybe not everything is out of your control. I think that you need a sense of control over your life, something to motivate you to keep going. If you have a plan to change your life, that will motivate you, and keep you out of the depth of despair. Because when we feel nothing is in our control, there is despair.

    This is my understanding (and correct me where I am wrong): you want a divorce and you want your kids to live with you as a divorced mother. Your parents will not help you getting a divorce and living as a divorced mother. Instead they will  do what they can to keep you in this marriage no matter how bad it is for you. Or for the children. You believe that you need a good paying job so to afford living as a divorced mother.

    Question: are you familiar with the divorce laws where you live, how that happens, child support, alimony, that is money the working spouse pays the divorced non working spouse?

    anita

    January 15, 2019 at 1:38 pm #274755
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To be honest, I am not considering a divorce right now; apart from not getting emotional support or understanding, or help with kids – I can’t say my marriage completely unbearable right now,  there is no physical or emotional violence etc.

    And as for the self-motivation, you are right: I do need to regain my control back, and a job that will motivate and support me…

     

    January 15, 2019 at 1:46 pm #274759
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I thought you are interested in divorce in the future because you wrote  couple of hours ago: “I could only go for a divorce once I have enough of secure income to keep me afloat, so I can be employable”-

    so I figured you are not interested in divorce now because you don’t have a job, and you are considering this traveling job so to have income in the future and then get a divorce. Is it not so?

    anita

     

    January 16, 2019 at 1:14 pm #275009
    Alex
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I do not think I was seriously  considering divorce right now. I am not saying I am sure this will never happen at all, it’s just a focal point for me right now, with everything that is going on. Actually, here’s another thing that pops up in my head as passed on to me from my mom: she would give up relationships, her marriage, jobs – at first signs of difficulties or if she thought a person was not friendly enough to her. I am trying to detect and single out such emotional reactions to uneasy situations and people and to not give up and leave right away, but try all reasonable solutions first… But this is quite hard, given that I have seen a certain pattern so many times that my brain automatically uses it now!

    January 16, 2019 at 2:11 pm #275021
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Alex:

    I was trying to figure out your dilemma regarding  the job in the context of your suggestion that you were considering a divorce. I read that you are not considering a divorce at the present and a divorce is not something you plan on anytime in the future. It is more of a thought, or a feeling that you sometimes have, nothing more. Correct?

    So back to your job dilemma, if you take the job your husband will be unhappy and he will have to be with the kids alone more than he is now (if he is at all?)

    If I understand this part correctly, that if you take the traveling job he will be alone with the kids and he will be unhappy about it, doesn’t this mean that he will not be treating the kids well, at the least being impatient or inattentive, distracted with TV or such?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours. If you post by the time I am back, I will read and reply to you then.

    anita

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