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I hate the girl I love

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  • #274359
    Nobody
    Participant

    I’m in love with a girl so perfect inside, but brings such painful history. She’s been with every guy in my circle of friends whether it’s been a kiss or straight up sex. She admitted to being into me before all this but at the time I guess you could say I unintentionally rejected her. Years later I ended up falling in love with her. What can I do?

    The reputation that I’m with a girl that’s been with the “whole squad” deters my happiness. It’s a complicated matter. But I’m not saying she doesn’t make me happy. She does. But I think of this and it hurts. I mean maybe it’s my fault for not taking her seriously when she really wanted me. It’s just the fact that over these years she’s met my previous circle of friends with intimacy. Can I really judge though? I’ve been with quite a bit of girls. But it’s not like she’s an acquaintance with any of them. Just strangers.

     

    I believe her when she tells me she loves me. But is it worth it? Is it worth loving a girl that hurts you but makes you happy at the same time?

    #274397
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Dear Nobody,

    Please remember that she hasn’t actually hurt you. She was single with no one to answer to, it just so happens that you two have the same friendship circle and things within this circle took place. But it wasn’t with any intention to hurt you or anyone else involved. That’s the whole idea of being single, having sex with whoever you want is supposed to be string-free…

    Please also pay attention to the fact that she did indeed show interest in you and you rejected her. Even more reason for her to move on and away from you in whatever way she felt was appropriate..

    If you believe that she loves you and she is faithful and you two are happy in the here and now then what really is the problem? I would suggest to stop living in the past and start seeing what is right in front of you. Love and happiness.

    We are all human, we all have a past – as do you I am sure.

    #274423
    Peter
    Participant

    I agree with Kkasxo

    The issue your having isn’t’ about this girl or her past its about how your ideal of what kind of past a person deserving your love should have. Which is fine as long as your being honest with yourself and that qualification for love is important to you however it begs the question as to if are capable of seeing her as she is and not only as a projection of your own needs and ‘standards’.  Sorry if I’m being harsh but if you can’t get over this ‘hurt’ you feel she has done to you what your experiencing is not love. (Life demands growth so this experiencing may push you into a deeper relationship with love or it may leave you bitter without have learned very much about yourself)

    You can choose to be happy and witness and love each other as you both are, the good the bad and the ugly, or you can continue to blame her for “hurting” you for not being the ideal perfect person you imagine she must be to have your love. It doesn’t take a physic to predict how the latter choice will work out.

    #274565
    Nobody
    Participant

    @peter @kkasxo

     

    Thank you both for making it clear to me. I love this girl and my idea of some ideal past for a person isn’t realistic and shouldn’t influence my judgment of another. I can accept her past and continue loving her.

     

    Although it’s not that easy. I have already caused the damage of making her feel bad for her past and now I believe I have hurt her. I don’t know if she doesn’t feel comfortable with me or something. But lately things have been complicated since. I don’t know how I can fix this. I’m afraid I’ll lose her.

    #274569
    Mark
    Participant

    Nobody,

    What are the “things that have been complicated?”

    My observation and experience is that to know someone’s relationship background (including their family-of-origin upbringing) speaks volumes in understand how they are and how they “do” relationship.

    I would look in askance in knowing someone who has such a history of such a string of relationships.  What is her story about that?  What is driving her to go from one to another and not be able to “settle down?”

    Are you teenagers?  Early twenties?  Exploring relationships?

    Mark

    #274571
    Nobody
    Participant

    @mark

    She’s been faithful with me. It’s complicated because I’ve been constantly criticizing her for her past and now I feel that I have hurt her. We are in our early 20’s and are very serious with each other.

    I just feel like I’ve hurt her and now she is afraid of me.

    #274575
    Mark
    Participant

    Nobody,

    For me, it will be hard to be with ANYONE who constantly criticizes me.  Why should she trust you?  What is making you change your behavior?

    I’m with Peter on his observations of you.

    Are you talking?  Communicating?  Being honest, kind and authentic with her?  That is what makes a good relationship.

    Own your shit with her.  Apologize.  Change your behavior and start treating her with compassion, kindness and love.

    If you really love her then show it.

    Mark

    #274579
    Nobody
    Participant

    @mark

    You’re right. That is all I need. Thanks.

    #274659
    Peter
    Participant

    You’ve impressed me Nobody

    Mark and I were pushing back, and you remained open to the criticism where many people might have becoming defensive.  For me this indicates that you’re the kind of person that works to do better when they learn better which if you think about it is all we can ask of ourselves and others.

    You and your partner might find David Richo book ‘How to be a Adult in Relationships’ a helpful guide as you discover each other and yourselves through your relationship together.

    I wish you all the best. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself if and when you miss the mark. We fall, we get up and we learn… and we are always falling.

    #275715
    Nobody
    Participant

    @Peter

    Thank you. I just looked at this thread now and saw this. I will definitely check out that book you are referring to.

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