Hello Everyone,

I’ve come back to this forum in hope of finding some guidance and/or understanding for my current situation, as at this point, it seems I have stumped everyone (psychologists, friends, family members) including myself. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible, but I think it might end up being quite long. Sorry about that!

Currently, I am 29 years old. I was in a very serious long term relationship from the age of 18 until 25. I loved this partner dearly, and he adored me, but I felt from the very beginning that there was no spark or passion on my end. I chose to date this person anyway for two reasons, 1) I knew my family and friends would approve of him, and 2) I hoped that the attraction on my end would come in time. I was correct with the former, and incorrect in the latter. I tried for many years to suppress the feeling that something was missing in my relationship and therefore life, but eventually I could not. It was a very traumatic breakup, not because there was animosity between us, but because we had to detangle our lives from one another, including saying goodbye to our beautiful house we had purchased together, separating our dogs, and friends and family members. Unfortunately, at the time, I don’t think I was able to fully process this loss, and because of that, I dove into a new relationship with an older man that had been interested in me since I was 16. I now believe this man had been grooming me for years, but at the time, I thought it was “true love” and believed all his promises to love me in ways my previous partner never could.

I tried to propel myself into a new life with this new partner, but in a few short months the illusion faded, and I did not feel for this new person as I thought I did. He was extremely angry at me and called me horrible names for ending the relationship, and once again I propelled myself into dating someone new. Unfortunately, this cycle repeated for many years as I desperately tried to find someone to build a life with once again. I became painfully aware of my age (my younger sister became engaged and married) and my bumpy relationship history. From the age of 25 until I would say 28 (when I met my current partner), I experienced horrible and soul-crushing (I don’t say that lightly) heartbreaks over and over. I believe at present, I have processed and healed from most of those breakups, however, one has lingered and even though now over 2 years have passed, I simply cannot rid myself of the horrible emotions and thoughts that this relationship triggered.

I met this person in the new year of 2016 when I was just about 27. Looking back, it was an odd time to try and meet someone and date, as my mother had received a terminal cancer diagnosis and was in the process of getting a stem cell transplant in the hopes that it would save her. I think I was both trying to distract myself from this horrible reality as well as trying to have her know if she did pass away, that I was happy and with someone. My family had been particularly worried at this point with my personal life and lack of a partner. Anyway, I met this person at a very vulnerable point in my life, with my mother’s health in a precarious situation, and professionally I was completing a gruelling residency. He became my coping mechanism of sorts, I always felt better around him. However, when we were apart I always worried. You see, he was separated from his wife, not fully divorced yet. He told me this on the first date, but I decided to proceed anyway as he reassured me that he was totally over that relationship, and our chemistry was so strong-something that doesn’t happen often for me.

I think looking back it was a terrible choice to continue to see this person after he told me his situation with his ex. The relationship was full of extreme highs and devastating lows, usually centred around him staying in contact with his ex and his inability to fully commit to me. From January until May of 2016, we dated on and off. In May, when he did not finalize his divorce even though the legal separation of one year had passed, I decided to end the relationship myself. I travelled to Europe (I am from Canada) on my own, and in this period I believe truly moved on from him. I could see the duration clearly with some space, and realized that he had never really picked me, shows me how important I was. Instead, I was more of an option, someone he enjoyed to spend time with but did not feel the need to commit too. I had a short but wonderful fling with a lawyer in Paris, and at this point wondered what I had ever seen in the previous man.

When I got back home in July, he was keen to see me again. He told me he had finally finalized his divorce, and he felt closer than ever to move forward with someone. We met a few times after that, but again it seemed clear he was not ready to settle down, at least not with me. We stayed in contact here and there until September, when I told him I could no longer see or speak to him anymore as I had met someone that was ready to date me exclusively. To my surprise, he told me that he had been immature before, and didn’t want to let me go without a fight. He assured me that he would date me exclusively as well, and delete all his dating apps. I was very wary of all this, as before this was never an option. However, I followed my heart and decided to give us one last shot.

Us being “officially” together was very short-lived, however. This is where I think I get stuck, specifically for thoughts on how it was all my fault it ended. Basically, a couple nights after we were officially together, we went out on a date. The night went at first very well, I remember being so happy since they was what I had wanted for so long. However, at the end of dinner, he asked me what my friends were up to so we could go out with them. I remember thinking I would rather just go home and be together, but I didn’t want to let him down. I texted my friends at the time, they told me they were at a club that was known for having raves and drugs readily available. I wasn’t keen on going, but he seemed like he wanted to, so we went. It was a very bad decision to go, let alone partake in the substances I did. I was already taking prescription stimulants for ADHD (I am no longer taking this medication), and it did not interact well with alcohol or any other recreational substance. Long story short, my new partner at the time and I got into an argument (I perceived him caring more about being with my friends and impressing them than being with me and going home when I wanted to), and I exploded in an angry tirade. I don’t remember much of what I said, but what I do was not kind. The next day, after I profusely apologized for my behaviour, he said he was unsure if he could continue to date me and be vulnerable as I had hurt him so much that night. I tried for months after that night to redeem myself, to show him that he could trust me again, but in November he said he felt his feelings change for me that night. We continued to date until before Christmas, after which he decided that he wanted to be single and that he didn’t think I was The One, even though he had said the opposite so many times before. I was absolutely devestated. After working for so long to have a true relationship with this person, I simply could not cope that in one night, I managed to destroy everything beyond repair. I still have trouble coping with this.

After a week or so of no contact, we began seeing each other again. However, it was not the same, and he was going on dates with other women. I followed suit and went on dates with other men, but I did not ever feel the spark I did with him. However, a couple weeks ago he began seeing a younger woman more consistently and became intimate with her. He has wanted to keep seeing me as a friend and continued to initiate contact time with me, however, I told him I could not be his platonic friend. I have reimplemented no contact since. However, I did break it once about 6 months ago (a year or so of not speaking at all) to once again apologize for some of the mistakes I believe I had made in our relationship as well as after it ended, but not only did he not reply, he blocked me and I don’t think we will ever speak again.

I am have now dealt with strong negative emotions about this breakup for over two years, specifically feeling used, like a bridge between his ex-wife and this new relationship. Before implementing no contact, he let me know various things about this new relationship that he was unwilling to do with me, such as setting boundaries with his ex and other women, prioritizing her over his friends, turning his read receipts on his phone so she knew when he read her messages, etc. Deep down, I feel this new woman is reaping the rewards of all the hard work I gave to my ex. What’s worse, and I do feel horrible for thinking this, is that in my opinion, the new woman is far less attractive, educated, and/or successful as me. For some reason, I find this to be a particularly difficult pill to swallow. It’s as if my subconscious would have an easier time understanding and dealing with him replacing me with a woman that was far superior to me either in attractiveness or some other standard. However, from what I can see, she seems average in most ways which I find so perplexing. “Why her and not me?” thoughts wander in my head frequently.
This is what I struggle with most, as I know I shouldn’t care at this point. So much time has passed, he clearly didn’t value or respect me, and most importantly, I am in a new relationship now. What really worries me is that these intrusive thoughts come into my head constantly, usually when I am drifting off to sleep or when my mind wanders. It seems if I am not constantly distracting myself, the horrible thoughts and emotions of shame and humiliation over what happened in this past relationship haunt me. And worst of all, and I absolutely HATE admitting this, is that I do not feel the same chemistry with my current partner as I did with my ex. Not even close. However, it is as though they are polar opposites. Where my ex was laid back and relaxed about most things, maybe to a fault, my new partner is diligent and disciplined. Where my ex and I had explosive chemistry and got along so well, my current partner and I don’t as much but I am far more comfortable with him, physically and emotionally. I feel that I should be very grateful for my current partner, and I truly, truly am, but I can’t understand why these negative thoughts and emotions about a relationship that ended so long ago keep entering in my mind, and it makes me worry that this says something about my current relationship- that if it was a good match I wouldn’t be having these negative thoughts and emotions about the past anymore. However, I am just not sure anymore.

Another aspect that makes everything very complicated, is that my current relationship (1.5 years) is long distance. Very long distance in fact, as I live in Canada and he lives in Switzerland. I have always wanted to live abroad, particularly in Europe, but I had not originally thought of moving to Switzerland as I do not speak either German or French. In addition, I have just opened up my own private practice in my hometown, and it has been doing very well. It would be difficult for me to leave my business (some clients I could continue to see virtually, but most of the clientele I would lose in a move), my friends and my family for a relationship. That being said, I think I would feel 100% happy to do it if I had the same chemistry and connection with my previous partner as I do with my current partner. I’m trying to look on the bright side, that it is very good that I feel as comfortable and safe with my current partner as I do, and that perhaps strong chemistry isn’t important in the longevity of a relationship long term. But I am confused and torn, and at this point in my life, I’m not sure what I need to be doing to get myself on a healthy path. I really don’t know how to stop these horrible intrusive and at this point obsessive thoughts about this previous partner, blaming myself for it ending, and feeling like I’ve lost something truly special. I feel immensely guilty about having these thoughts and feelings while in my current relationship, and I desperately want them to stop so I can move forward in my life. At this point, I can’t tell if my current relationship isn’t right for me and that’s why these thoughts are intruding my mind or is it the other way around and because of these intrusive thoughts, I can’t be present in my relationship enough to truly enjoy it?

Thank you for reading, any insight would be helpful!
-L

• This topic was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by laelithia.