Home→Forums→Relationships→Don't blame please I m with married man
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December 14, 2018 at 10:05 am #269287EliParticipant
Hi evry body .my story back to 5 years ago when I met my bf .he is perfect I love him and evry thing look fine but the problem is that he is married ,I am sorry maybe for some of you it’s not acceptable but I called in love with him . He told me he is married has kids and family but I am his family as well .evry thing was fine we living is same place each day he came to me we were happy together .his wife always make fight and problem for evry rhings and he one times tried divorced her I don’t say any thing I just said decide your self we are going to travel and I live very comfortable he cover all my cost and I just live and like I want but the problem is I missed him so much I want he always be with me we just are together when we go to travel in other time I always going alone to shopping here and there he told me after 5 years he will say her he has me in his life and is she don’t want she can go but the problem is that I want to have baby as well I am worried it get late so me an di waste my time and he will not leave her .
The other problem is that I feel so jalousie and angry as like his wife she spend more here and there for shopping and when I ask where is she he said in the shipping I make big fight .I can not accept her I don’t care she is the first who get married with him and has kids we live each other and she is really pain in my heart I don’t know what to do .leave him or stay with him and be wait and be responsible for my acts?
ThanksDecember 14, 2018 at 10:29 am #269297AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
You wrote: “I live very comfortable he cover all my cost and I just live and like I want”-
to understand the basics in your situation, I ask: is it that you support yourself financially but are able to enjoy extras, like traveling because of him, or is it that you are unable to support yourself and be hungry and homeless without him in your life?
anita
December 14, 2018 at 10:56 am #269299EliParticipantOf course I will be not in street and suffering from hunger if he stop supporting me .
December 14, 2018 at 10:58 am #269301EliParticipantBut about traveling and lot of shopping no I can not afford
December 14, 2018 at 11:21 am #269303AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
You ended your original post with the question: “leave him or stay with him and be wait and be responsible for my acts?”
There are three parts to your question:
1) “be responsible for my acts?”- you are already responsible for having a relationship because you choose to have a relationship; you don’t have to. You are not threatened with hunger or homelessness or violence if you end the relationship with him, this means you are free to choose. You have made a choice to have a relationship with him so far and you can make a different choice next.
2) you presented three choices:
– a. “wait (for him)”- wait for him to leave his wife, you mean, to leave his children with his wife so to make a home with you, is what you have been waiting for, correct?
– b. “stay with him”, that is keep the relationship as is, not waiting for him to leave his wife, correct?
-c. “leave him”, meaning not waiting and not accepting the relationship as is, but leaving.
Well, I will be away from the computer for a while. Would you like to make two lists: one of the advantages you enjoy and expect to continue to enjoy for each category, a, b and c, and the other list, the disadvantages and distress you already suffered and think that you will suffer for each category, a, b and c?
One more thing, his children, how old are they, how many, and are they better for him being a relationship with you or will it be better for their well being if he is not in a relationship with you?
anita
December 14, 2018 at 11:38 am #269307EliParticipantI know he has 3 kids 1 from first marriage 16 and 2 from the current marriege 12 and 5 . I left my job because I wanted to have more time for traveling going here and there . I am not sure even if I want to live with him forever or not . I am not sure about marriege .but I want he be free as well we can go every where we want and do every thing we like I don’t want be always worried about his wife
December 14, 2018 at 1:20 pm #269319AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
I know that for us to be good people, we have to first think about the welfare of our children, all minor age children. This is what makes us good people, when we have their health in mind, their physical and mental health. His children, five years old, twelve and sixteen, they all need the same thing: peace and calm in their homes.
If your relationship with their father brings about war in their homes, fights between their parents, then you must end the relationship with their father immediately.
I asked you if you’d be hungry or homeless earlier, if you didn’t have his financial support. See, his children need him in so many ways, financially, but equally as important, or more important, they need him to be calm, they need their mother calm, so that they do not live in fear.
Talk to him, direct his attention to their well being, as well as your attention. After that, then direct your attention to your self interest.
Do you agree with me?
anita
December 14, 2018 at 10:08 pm #269345EliParticipantEven if I be not in his life he will have ama eheadchaes and fights he has sproblem with his wife and stay there because of kids any way will grow up I be there or not they have problem I am not source of problem and even if I leave him he will not stay with his wife and will have other mistress again for sure as like before he had as well . And what about our emotion and love why we must waste our life for kids that when they grow up they go to their life .it’s not my fault his wife can not commited her husband to her self …
December 15, 2018 at 5:08 am #269351AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
Regarding what you wrote here: “why we must waste our life for kids that when they grow up they go to their life”- better not have kids then. Anyone not interested in investing a whole lot of time and effort so that their children grow up in a calm, peaceful home with kindness and loving attention, should not bring children into the world.
Regarding your story, first I will repeat it: five years ago you met and started a relationship with a married man. This married man has a 16 year old from his first marriage. He is currently married to his second wife and has two younger children with her, a 12 year old and a 5 year old. He is unhappy in his marriage and is staying in it, he says, because of his children. He had girlfriends while married before he met you (mistresses, is the word you used). He told you that his wife “always make fight and problem for every thing” and that he “one time tried divorced her”, but did not.
The two of you live in the same town or city, he visits you daily in your place and the two of you travel together. He covers a lot of your living expenses, travels and shopping, and you are comfortable. He told you that he will tell his wife about you and if she will not be okay with it, then “she can go”, but he did not tell her.
You wrote that your problem is that you “want to have baby” and you want him to leave his wife. You feel “so jealous and angry” that his wife goes shopping, and you fight with him about it. You had a job but left it because you wanted “more time for traveling going here and there”, and he financed those travels. If the relationship with him ends you will not be hungry or homeless but you will not be able to travel and shop.
You wrote that you are not sure if you “want to live with him forever or not”, that you are “not sure about marriage”, but you do want to “be free (to).. go everywhere we want and do everything we like” and not “be always worried about his wife”.
You wrote that you are not the “source of problem” in his marriage, that it is not your fault that his wife can’t keep her husband committed to her (“it’s not my fault his wife can not commited her husband to herself”), that if you left him, he would have other mistresses, just like he did before he met you, and that neither you nor him, the father of the five and twelve year old, should “waste our lives for kids that when they grow up they go to their life”.
The second part of my post is my input: what is most important to you, perhaps the only important thing, is to be comfortable and free to do as you please, preferably to not have a job so that you can travel and shop whenever you feel like. You want to spend an enjoyable time with this man, a lot of it but not necessarily forever or be married to him. You don’t want him to be married so that he spends more time with you and no other woman competes for his financial resources, that way you can travel more and shop more.
My advice:
1. Do not get pregnant and do not have a child: being pregnant for nine long, long months is very uncomfortable. If you had complications (and the chances are greater when older, not in early twenties, let’s say), you will not be able to travel or shop. There is lots of discomfort and distress with carrying a baby in your body, and then, after birth, there is the feeding, changing diapers, being awake at nights, tired, distressed, day after day, week after week, month after month, for years.
You are concerned about wasting your life for children, well, don’t waste your own!
2. Because this man had girlfriends before he met you, and you believe he is in that habit and will have girlfriends / mistresses if you left him, and because you do not contact or communicate with his wife or children, not trying to directly cause trouble in their home by direct communication, better stay in this relationship and be as comfortable as you can be. You don’t have all of his time, but lots of women don’t have all of the time of their boyfriends, even if the boyfriends are single and even when married to the man of interest!
His wife spends money shopping, taking money away from your interest, but then men spend money on gambling and other things, so even if a man is your husband, the money often goes to interests that you don’t share or enjoy.
Better stay with him, don’t ask him questions about his wife, questions that will upset you. Be satisfied best you can with what you do have, a comfortable life.
anita
December 15, 2018 at 7:40 am #269363InkyParticipantHi Eli,
He has other mistresses besides you. Don’t kid yourself.
Even if you got your wish and he leaves his wife and marries you, all that means is that YOU will be the one who gets cheated on.
My advice? Tell him it’s over sexually. For one thing, you don’t want to catch a disease from the other mistresses (don’t kid yourself). Second, he has to prove his love for you. If sex is off the table, if he TRULY loved you, that would be the kick in the pants he needs to leave his wife. But he won’t do that, because he’ll just find other mistresses. (He already has. Don’t kid yourself.)
So you can’t compete with his wife (who can?) or random mistresses (some he hasn’t even met yet).
I think it would be far easier for you to meet single wealthy guys than put up with this guy. Who does he think he is?
Best,
Inky
December 16, 2018 at 4:02 am #269415EliParticipantDears anita and lnky thank you so much .I know it’s 3 years he did not touch his wife and they sleep in separated room I told him if you touch him forget me I will not accept this .but I know about his past he always cheat on his wife and had gf and lovers .
He always said oh with you I am fall in love I did not touch my wife she always complaining an do said I am busy I am not in mood…any way I am not sure he said truth or not and I can not believe because I am not inside his home .
But I think it’s time I start to date with other guys what do you think is it good idea?
December 16, 2018 at 5:37 am #269417AnonymousGuestDear Eli:
You are welcome. I think it is very important that if you date a man, that you make sure that you do not get pregnant and do not become a mother.
The reasons I believe it is very important are the following:
1. You wrote: “why we must waste our life for kids that when they grow up they go to their life”.
2. You wrote: “back to 5 years ago when I met my bf. he is perfect I love him and every thing look fine but the problem is that he is married”. You expressed no concern for the two children involved, one was a newborn baby and the other was 7 year old when you met your lover.
You didn’t think: am I hurting these children by being their father’s lover? Maybe his wife is fighting with him in front of the children because he is gone every day for hours being with me?
And when he told you that she does fight with him, “she always make fight and problem for every thing”, you still didn’t think about the well being of the two children.
3. You expressed severe lack of personal responsibility, suggesting that it is not your fault that this man has you as his lover, that it is his wife’s fault for not having what it takes to keep him loyal to her. You also suggested that it is okay for you to be his lover because if it wasn’t you, it would be another woman who will be his lover (“It’s not my fault his wife can not commited her husband to herself” and “I am not source of problem and even if I l eave him he ..will have other mistress again for sure”)
4. You expressed that you don’t know if you are interested in marriage, and that you highly value of being free and able to travel and shop whenever and wherever you like. Having a child does not fit these values and lifestyle. I suggest that you make your life comfortable for yourself, but do not hurt existing children and do not bring children into the world to “waste (your) life for kids that when they grow up they go to their life”.
anita
December 16, 2018 at 10:00 am #269451InkyParticipantHi Eli,
For what it’s worth: YES! You should date other people.
And not make a secret of it, either.
Good Luck,
Inky
December 16, 2018 at 1:28 pm #269497EliParticipantDear Anita absoulabso you are right .I don’t feel bad about his family and I don’t feel I detsriyed his kids life because the father of the family has rights be happy an denjiyed his life as well and he found this happiness with me so it’s not my sin.but thanks for your advice .
December 16, 2018 at 1:30 pm #269499EliParticipantDear lnky thanks for you reply yes I really must try to to meet more people and of course I don’t want to get married imedietly and really I am not sure about have baby or not so let us enjoy our life .thank you so much
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