You know, I find that a lot of people, women especially, are trained at a young age to be sweet, kind, accommodating and so on. Your environment, from parents to teachers to friends, keeps enforcing this ideal ‘mold’ on you which pressures you to actually meet that ideal. Which sucks, because then whatever else you wanted is lost in the void called ‘what I wanted, but instead…’ And as you practice the art of the ideal ‘mold’, you slowly become that ‘mold’ until you forget how to voice your want and desires because you’re too busy being that ‘mold’. But the ‘mold’ was created by other people, it wasn’t created by you. So it’s a good thing that you’re starting to realize that the ‘mold’ you are putting forward in everyday life is not yours, it is people’s idea of you. That’s the first step.

The next step is something I recommend so feel free to ignore it. But there’s something called behavioral psychology, the research in acquired behaviors through conditioning. There are psychologists who have studied cognitive behavioral therapy and work with clients to help them change certain thoughts and behavior. There are multiple techniques that the psychologist go through with clients over multiple sessions so that the clients get comfortable with their new perspective of actions that they can employed in everyday life. There are also many sessions in assertiveness too, but for now, I think it would be best for you to understand the underlying reason of why you want to please others so much. It’s not a bad thing to have compassion, but not at the expense of your own health and certainty not when it crosses your boundaries. So it would be best to find someone, it usually takes a few tries before finding a therapist you click with, to help you put together a narrative of your people pleasing behavior so that you can understand and start healing from the root of it rather than just change your behavior that’s only seen on the surface.

Good luck.

I understand how difficult this situation can be for you.

‘ I never start problems. I always apologize even if its not my fault. I don’t stand up for myself because I want so badly to be the chill girl every guy wants. I don’t ever say no even if I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because I want to fulfill his needs. I don’t talk about my emotions and I do everything I can to make it seems like am all put together and super “cool” and easy going. ‘

This part of your post got to me in particular. I want to remind you that IF there is a problem, whether initiated by yourself or another, there simply is a problem and one that needs to be dealt with. Apologising even when you believe you are not at fault and not standing up for yourself is not the way forward and quite frankly it is almost giving others the go ahead to walk all over you. Being in tact with your emotions, wants, needs and being fully aware of what you deserve has absolutely nothing to do with not being ‘super cool and easy going’. In fact, that makes you super cool and easy going! How cool is it to be confident woman who doesn’t take any sh**?! One who knows exactly what she stands for, what she wants and will not accept any less.  Honestly, you can still be all of those things and not allow yourself to be a doormat to men or anyone else for that matter.

Please do not allow this to continue any longer. You are worth all the happiness in the world and you have to believe in that. Stand up for what you believe in, be open about your expectations and most importantly care for your own self enough to know what is good for you and what isn’t. Also, any man who allows this sort of  behaviour to continue isn’t the man for you. Your partner should encourage you to open up when you may feel like completely shutting down, pull you up on apologising when you are not in the wrong and remind you that just because you feel a certain way about a certain situation does not mean that you are no longer ‘chill’ or ‘cool’. It means that you are human and completely entitled to feel whatever it is you feel.

A whole sea of water can’t even sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. The same way you can’t be brought down unless you let people’s opinions inside.

Chin up girl! Hugs x