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He wants to be friends now!

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  • #232719
    Christin
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I have known this man for about three years and we always had chemistry and got along very well. We talked about dating for years but the timing was just never right.  We finally got our chance and started dating in August. It was great!  We had so much fun and opened up and truly enjoyed each other.  I was surprised when he immediately started talking about our future. I mentioned that I was surprised and that I thought we had agreed to take things slowly.  I just wasn’t ready yet. Here we are three weeks later. He has completely pulled away and will barely spend time with me.  We finally spoke last night and he said that I hurt him and that he decided he is better off single. It makes me sad because I really do like him, but he caught me off  guard. I did say that to him but he seemed genuinely hurt that I said we agreed to no Expectations.  Obviously there is more to it, but now I feel even worse knowing that my reaction cacaused this. I really wish I would have taken a moment to think about how I was saying what I was saying. But it’s too late. Is it too late for him and I?  I truly value our friendship, but I want more. If I’m being honest I don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship but I want more then a friendship.  Should I just let this go?  It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like that should be it. Three years of waiting for two months?  And we clearly still care for one another.  I wish I could rewind time, but I’m. It going to beg either.

     

    Thank you for the support. : (

    #232761
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christin:

    If he started talking about a future with you within two months of knowing you, that would have been alarmingly too fast to me. But the two of you had a friendship for three years prior to dating. I suppose he got excited, envisioned a future.

    At that point he felt ready for a serious relationship but you were not and still, at present, you are not (“If I’m being honest I don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship”).

    Did you let him know currently that you interested in a relationship with him but not a serious one?

    anita

     

    #232763
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Christin,

    Wanting to take things slowly is a natural response to a relationship going at warp speed. You didn’t say “No”. You said, “Yes, perhaps, but can we get married and have kids, a house and a dog in two years rather than two months?” I don’t care if you’ve known each other for three years.

    You did nothing wrong.

    This bears repeating: You did nothing wrong.

    Perhaps it’s a blessing things so easily went south with Mr. Sensitive. It would have been something else if not this, you know.

    Best,

    Inky

     

    #232767

    Hi Christin

    You are not responsible for his reaction to your honesty. You are also not responsible for the way he lacked to communicate with you after your conversation. Do not take on this guilt. You were clear and honest. Yes he may be disappointed, but that is due to his own expectations (even though you may have expressed yours) and he sounds like he is on the defensive at the moment, so he doesn’t get hurt any further. You are both on different pages. If you want to, you can clearly tell him you’d like to see how things pan out, but no rushing. If he respects this then great, but if he wants a different pace or to pull away altogether, then it’s not a mutually, caring, respectful balance.

    #232769
    Feathering my nest
    Participant

    My opinion is:

     

    1- Agreeing no expectations is problematic if you have a close relationship. (Which you did.)

     

    2- Maybe its worth trying to chat to him once more. He may have just got upset and misunderstood.

     

    Best of luck xx

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