“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy.” ~Leo Bucaglia
As I stood on the street corner, tears streaming down my face, I called friends for confirmation that what I had just been told wasn’t true.
My meeting with my “friend” had gone horribly wrong. And when I say gone wrong, that’s because she was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
But what if she wasn’t wrong?
What if her words, which stung so badly that I couldn’t stop myself from crying publicly, were true?
Two weeks prior to this fateful day, three families had gotten together for what was supposed to be a wonderful reunion of friends and a celebration of the beginning of summer.
One family lives on a beautiful property with a huge man-made pond. Spending time at their house is just the way you would envision the perfect childhood summer.
With acres of green grass and a beautiful blue sky as a backdrop, you hold onto a rope, swing off a landing, fly through the air, and plunge into the pond. The sound of birds chirping tickles your ears, and the smell of fresh air fill your lungs.
Ah, the idyllic beginning to a wonderful summer.
Since we would be outside, it seemed the perfect place to bring our dog, Sunshine. Sunshine is part Australian Shepard, which means she has spent many an afternoon desperately trying to herd my kids together.
As the afternoon progressed, the kids ran around. Sunshine barked and barked and barked some more. My son was so anxious that she would run off.
Several times at home, Sunshine had escaped through the front door. Although we always caught her, the moments watching her chasing squirrels, oblivious to our offers of treats, were a little nerve-wracking for me and my son!
At one point on that day with friends, someone undid Sunshine’s leash, and she raced off! This created confusion and worry, and I feared a meltdown from my son was inevitable.
The idyllic day was not turning into the wonderful reunion and quiet, lazy afternoon I had imagined. Turning to my friend for help, I asked if she could drive my family home so I could leave with my son and Sunshine. I was worried about what might happen otherwise.
“Of course,” she said.
Because that’s what friends do; they help you when you need them.
Fast forward, three days later I receive an email from this same friend, offering to talk about the afternoon. I agreed, not knowing how this one day would forever change my life.
As I arrived at the coffee shop, my friend was seated concentrating on a crossword puzzle. I sat down still so unassuming, still so naïve. And that’s when she dropped the bomb.
“All this chaos and nervousness is created by you. You are the one creating all this in your family and even your dog.”
Every bone in my body shook with fear. My stomach was in a knot. My heart was shattering into fragments as I considered the possibility that I was doing this to my family and even my dog.
So when she looked at her watch, I suggested, since she obviously seemed pressed for time why don’t we just call it a day. She agreed and left. That was the last we would speak for two years.
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. ~Ajahn Chah
I couldn’t stop crying for hours. I wondered, could this be true? Certainly I wasn’t doing this consciously.
I began to listen to my speech, and noticed it was loaded with words that I thought were conveying love, but were actually filled with warnings, anxiety, and fear.
Be careful! Are you sure you should do that? No, let’s not try that.
I began to watch other mothers and how they were parenting. How I envied the ones who so easily let their kids go off on their own without one reminder of safety!
The rest of that summer I did an experiment. While on vacation at the beach, I held back from saying, “Be careful in the ocean,” or “Don’t go out so far!”
Instead, with lips sealed, I smiled and waved to my kids as they bobbed up and down in the ocean water. I tried different activities that pushed me beyond my comfort zone. Not only did I try them, I even enjoyed!
So maybe, just maybe, she had a point.
Over time, I’ve tried to watch my words. Even when I’m nervous or scared I try to say something positive or just remain quiet. I still watch other parents to see how they interact with their kids.
I watch in awe, and yes, with envy too, as these other parents, with no words of fear or warnings, let their children learn from getting hurt or making mistakes.
Over time, I’ve come to realize my friend had a valid point.
In the beginning, her words cut a hole straight to my heart. In truth, that’s what I needed in order to take action to make changes.
It hasn’t been easy. Everyday I have to remind myself to offer vital precautions, and withhold the words that would only create unnecessary fear in my kids. But each day I’m learning to forgive myself when I slip.
I think my family and I are doing better for the message my friend conveyed to me that day.
In the end, I let go of my words peppered with fear and anxiety and I gained a little peace. My family gained a lot, as well.
I hope you too can let go of anything that might be causing you unnecessary worry or anxiety. There’s a joy you can only experience when you learn to let go.
Photo by Josh Pesavento
About Robyn Greenhouse
As a child, Robyn Greenhouse dreamed of being an author. On her 45th birthday she began writing again. With her husband, Stephen, she raises 3 boys & 2 dogs, teaches yoga, and writes a blog, Adventures in Laugher, Exercise and Eating Well. You can read her blog at www.laughwithme45.blogspot.com!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is the first of Tiny Buddha that I have not liked at all. I completely disagree with its content. What comes to mind is the word “balance.” Balance is needed when it comes to keeping children safe. We don’t need to convey fear but a healthy respect for things like the ocean or even gravity. We train our children with love to respect their environment including what in it that can cause them harm. Look both ways before crossing the street. Keep your doggie on a leash. Do not eat gum found on the sidewalk.
Great article, thanks for posting/sharing.
Oh, I struggle with this “trying to let go” too! To worry less, and to instill less of my anxieties into my son. I see Marian’s comment about “balance” in parenting and I agree with that: It sounds like you were feeling off-balance, toward the over-anxious end, and have worked to come back to a middle ground. I hope you’re finding peace in this zone! Thanks for sharing!
It’s a good friend that will tell us what we need to hear, no matter how unpleasant.
What a beautiful post you chose from Robyn Greenhouse! This message is so wonderful for anyone to read, especially parents. Of course there is a limit as to what we can allow our children to do. We do need to keep them from real danger. Thank you, again, for this beautiful post!
I think I am exactly like you. I am controlling and feel I am ruinin my family’s lives cause I seem to cause more arguments than fun and laughter even when I don’t mean to cause problems 🙁 I wish I could be a free spirit – full of fun and carefree rather
It is never too late to start learning to let go! Good luck.
While it was hard to see that at first, you are right!
Yes! It is much more peaceful to be in the middle ground!
Thanks Lidia!
Sarah, thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I agree we need to keep our kids from danger, while letting them learn on their own. Always finding that balance in life!
Marian,
I’m sorry that you did not like my post. You are correct about needing “balance”. That is why I have worked so hard to get to that place of balance. Through this hard work, my family and I have all benefitted. Thanks for taking the time to read the post though!
After learning how your family benefited from letting go a little to find out what joy can come your way when you do, I hope that the friendship that you had with that “friend” who gave you the news was able to be mended 🙂 Good friends are hard to come by and it’s worth nurturing the greatest ones that you do get to have.
I so get what you are saying. For various reasons I have a predisposition toward anxiety and fear and I get reminding yourself to let go of what is not a ‘vital precaution’. Letting go or controlling your own thought process to avoid the manifestation of fear can only benefit yourself and those close to you. Thanks for the post and the reminder to ‘let go’
Hi Robyn,
Very interesting post. I am most impressed by how you took your friend’s ‘criticism’ and and used it to better yourself and your interactions with your child. Usually when we get criticism we get defensive and simply strike out at the criticizer. We don’t look inward to see if there may be any truth or validity to the point. After getting through your hurt and pain from her words, you were able to look at yourself and make changes. I think that is huge and very big of you. It shows a sense of self-attunement and a strong sense of self. So bravo for that.
I grew up with a mother who always (and still does) attach that line of {over} caution to everything. There was never any pure reveling and joy in the moment without the ‘careful’ caveat. It was all about her anxiety. It does put a tremendous damper on everything. So I’m personally glad you’re working on this in yourself. I hope you have patched up your friendship. There needed to be continued conversation around this important idea/comment. I really hope there was some follow-up, even after two years.
(I wish Ms. Kramer, comment below, could have stated her opinion of dislike a bit more diplomatically and certainly not as a first sentence. There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing and not liking something, but it’s how it’s expressed.)
Ms Kramer here again. Ms Cabelly, you’re absolutely right! Sounding a bit harsher than intended. Forgive me. I am a new first time grandmother of an incredibly precious and perfect little girl. I just had the pleasure of meeting her because she lives quite far away. I wish all the joy there is in the world for her and all the protection of her loving new little family. So, doggies on leashes, jumping in leaves, Look both ways, jump for joy, run and dance and grow and develop and appear in the utmost beauty! Diplomatic opinions! Self-attunement! And most of all: Joy!!
Wonderful blog, thank you or sharing your experience! This is so very valid and a great reminder! 🙂
Hi Robyn, I think you’ve doing amazingly well to have taken on board what your friend said and are doing your best to change…that takes courage…I think you have a very common sense approach to raising your children and I know you won’t let them come to any harm…keep up the great work!
Nice article..I enjoyed reading it..
I also wrote this post.. Will enjoy your true feedback..Thanks..
http://rootsthelifebeneath.blogspot.in/2012/07/the-pain-of-being-ignored.html
Thank you for this post. I grew up in a household ruled by apprehension and fear of the unknown, and I grew to become an anxiety-ridden, insecure adult. Counseling helped greatly, but since I’ve had to move back home for personal reasons those same tensions have resurfaced.