“Truth can be stated in a thousand different ways, yet each one can be true.” ~Swami Vivekananda
Highly sensitive people naturally bring some really beautiful, love-promoting qualities to their romantic partnerships. But these same qualities can sometimes end up undermining the strength of their relationships. This was true for me in my first marriage and led, in part, to it ending in divorce.
We HSPs are known for our caring, conscientious, and considerate natures. It matters deeply to us that we do our best to be loyal and caring in our relationships.
And because we tend to have high standards for ourselves and work hard at being kind supportive friends and lovers, we often successfully create strong intimate bonds with others.
We also have a knack for being aware of the needs of others. Our ability to pick up on subtle cues makes them feel deeply understood and cared for. On top of all of this, we tend to think deeply about our romantic relationships, giving them much of our mental and emotional energy.
This is all really wonderful for the lucky partner of a highly sensitive person. It’s part of why they felt drawn to you and nurtured, safe, and loved with you. But things can go downhill fast when our significant other doesn’t behave the same way.
It’s human nature to be unable to deeply understand what it’s like to live another’s experience. Though HSPs tend to be quite empathic, it’s still nearly impossible to really see through our partners’ eyes. This can be the source of so much pain.
In my first marriage, I often wondered why I seemed to be the one to show more interest in the health of the relationship. I would ask myself things like, “How can he be okay with going to bed when things aren’t resolved between us?” “Does he even notice that I’m sad?” “Doesn’t he want to help me feel better?” “What’s wrong with him that he doesn’t think to offer some kind words?”
Because those were things I naturally did for him.
Those high standards I had for myself about relationships? I had them for him, too. When he didn’t meet my ideas about how we should be with each other, I’d think something was wrong.
I’d think his lack of consideration and awareness meant he didn’t love me as much as I loved him, that maybe I wasn’t enough for him. Thinking that really hurt.
That pain, unfortunately, only led to me acting far below my own high standards for myself. Because when we humans feel hurt, we say and do things we wouldn’t otherwise.
I’d complain, maybe curl up and cry, or give him the cold shoulder. I’d point out how he was falling short, question why, if he really loved me, he wasn’t more affectionate, more aware of my feelings, more interested in resolving issues—in short, more like I was naturally (well, when I wasn’t upset!).
We’d end up in long conversations that never concluded satisfactorily. He’d end up feeling like he wasn’t doing good enough.
Because I was aware of subtle shifts in him, I could see how badly I was affecting him. And that would only lead to me feeling guilty and bad about myself, which made things even worse. It seemed like a rock and a hard place that we didn’t know how to get out of. After many years of this, we ended our marriage.
What a wake up call! Since then, I’ve learned so much and changed my life in major ways, and learned to work with my high sensitivity in ways that not only support me, but also my romantic relationship. I am now very happily remarried.
Though I had to learn the hard way, I now have a lot to share with others about how to have a mutually loving, supportive, and connected intimate relationship as an HSP.
Assuming you’re in a healthy, non-abusive relationship, these three tips can help you feel more fulfilled in love and be an amazing life partner.
1. Honor differences, yours and theirs!
Just as they must learn to accept our sensitive natures, we must understand that others may not have our superpowers of high conscientiousness, deep caring attentiveness to others, and the uncanny ability to know what they most need to feel good.
They may not want to resolve issues as thoroughly as you do, because they may not feel things as intensely and as long as you do. They might not enjoy processing or getting to the heart of the matter the way you do—it may even make them really uncomfortable.
All this can be especially true if your partner’s male, because of some big brain and cultural differences between males’ and females’ approach to relating with others. So he may not be attuned to the play of emotion across your face—or quick to try to make things right for you.
If you fight to change his brain’s wiring, you’re fighting a losing battle. Instead, when you feel like you know better than he does about how to love well, remind yourself: It’s not better; it’s just different.
2. Stop holding your partner to unreachable standards.
Apples will never be as juicy as watermelon! But you can’t make a great pie out of watermelon.
When I let go of my own high, unrealistic standards and stop comparing, I can actually see the way he does show his care and is loving me. Which is what we all ultimately want: to feel cherished and supported.
Maybe your partner doesn’t read your mind and give you that hug when you want it most, but he does make kind gestures like offering to take the kids so you can have some quiet time to yourself, or she invites you on some adventure she’s excited about. Look for and enjoy the different gifts your partner brings to the relationship. Let them spice up your life.
Would you really want a clone of yourself for a partner, anyway?
3. Attend to yourself.
We need to keep coming back to giving ourselves loving attention, especially as HSPs.
When I don’t, I feel empty and needy, and tend to look to my husband to fix it. Which often backfires and I feel even worse.
When I get complainy or needy or act in ways I don’t like, I know it means I need to pause and notice what I really need. And then take action on it. If it’s something my husband can do for me, I can always ask lovingly for it, without expecting he’ll be willing or able.
So let them be who they are, and take care of who you are. Nothing fills us up like self-appreciation and caring for yourself the way you like to care for others.
My love life changed so much once I deeply understood that my way is just one way, not the way to express love for another human being. I can now really feel and appreciate my husband’s unique ways of loving me, and I receive them as big gifts. That allows me to feel truly fulfilled and to easily reciprocate to my sweet husband—in my own unique and special way.
About Hannah Brooks
Hannah Brooks is a love and marriage coach and host of the “Highly Sensitive, Happily Married Podcast.” She helps sensitive women put an end to the upset in their marriage and create the supportive, loving, light and connected relationship they really want with their significant other. Take her free quiz, “How Much is High Sensitivity Impacting Your Relationship?” to find out if (and how much) high sensitivity is affecting your happiness in your relationship, and what to do about it.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you for this article. I found it comforting to read because I always find myself stressing that this difference between me and my soon-to-be husband is a sign that we’re not compatible or that something is deeply “wrong” about our relationship or perhaps with myself for always feeling like I want and need more. If I could relax and stop assessing every little thing as a sign of something critical missing, I might actually feel more of the love that he DOES show me in his own ways.
Whew. This spoke to me in a big way. Thank you!
I have been doing these steps forever. They are especially important for people like myself who are married to an Autistic spouse. I use to beat my head against the wall trying to get him to communicate, understand, and be the way I was, but it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be, he simply just could not. So I have learned to accept his ways of showing he loves me are different than what I might perceive love as. After 25 years of marriage, I couldn’t have asked for a better husband because he is amazing in so many other ways at giving and making me feel important even if he isn’t the best communicator. And with our three teens, two of which are also Autistic, my husband and my relationship makes it easier for us to understand our own kids when they eventually get into a relationship and face the same issues.
Thank you for sharing this. Great guidance for everyone in relationships of any capacity, work, romantic, platonic. I have a tendency to judge others by my own high standards instead of letting them exist and appreciated them for who they are. Thank you so much.
You have REALLY hit a nerve. Relationships are complicated. Such is life.
I know this is aimed to romantic relationships but I felt at some point it can apply in general. It reminded me of my best friend, we had a very intimate and close connection. She is very extrovert and friendly and I tend to be more introverted and lonesome, we are both very sensitive humans but in different aspects. She loves being surrounded by people and trying to make everything good for everybody, if I was feeling emotionally low, she would noticed and do something kind or fun to cheer me up. We have been very close for years but the last months she was constantly demanding me to act in specific ways. I got tired of listening “I always give more” I really felt like shit sometimes and I’m still angry. We stopped talking to each other because we both got super frustrated. She said her biggest mistake was to give everything everytime, it triggered me to read “we must understand that others may not have our superpowers of high conscientiousness”, makes me feel like she might think of me like an inferior being and she being super woman super attentive and always right and super kind when I feel like a lot of that attentiveness came because she tends to be emotionally codependent. I don’t mean to be rude, I’m pretty much just venting.
You are also allowed to ask for what you want. If you need a hug, ask for one. If you want to talk, let them know. Your partner needs to also know their limits, and communicate “yes” or “no because” — The No, because transforms the assumption that they don’t love you to they do love you and would if they could, or they are simply too tired and have reached their giving point. As a HSP, that’s easy to empathize with.
Great article. I’m so glad I read it at the perfect time. I can relate to 100% of the things you wrote and I am going to follow your guidance and learn to accept and love my husband the way he is. Beautifully articulated and thanks for sharing. I would love to hear your recommendations for further reading related to HSP.
You are very welcome. I love it when my own experiences can speak to others in a big way! Thank you for sharing that.
Hi Dee, You are so welcome. I’m glad it resonated! It’s true this article can be helpful for anyone in any relationship. High standards are a slippery slope, whether we are an HSP or not. So much of our work in any relationship is allowing and appreciating the other for who they are.
Thank you. I can relate to this so much.
Thanks again for our insightfulness.
True, Jay, they really can be. I find they feel a bit simpler when I practice taking great care of myself and I pay compassionate attention to how I am showing up, what I am bringing to the table (like unrealistic standards). And then taking responsibility for working on those things in me that block the close connection I want. It gets easier, more loving, the more I address my own stuff.
You are so welcome, Jay!
Wow, justkat, reading this brings me shivers! Such a beautiful example. Thank you so much for sharing your lived wisdom and experience!
HI Mayra,
You are so right! Friendships, too, can be complicated and sometimes painful, as you share here. It sounds like your friend wasn’t allowing you some of your differences, was expecting you to be more like her. That’s a mistake that, like you are speaking of, can lead to anger and pain for both people, and obviously disconnection. Sounds like her attentiveness and giving nature is actually, in part, her way of “getting” from people, and maybe she’s angry it isn’t working as she wanted? Grandiosity ( as in “I always give more thus im better) isn’t actually a genuinely giving stance to take. You are NOT an inferior being. She is NOT a superwoman. Maybe what is most important to keep in mind here is that for relationships of any kind to feel harmonious, we need to try to see things through the other’s eyes, with compassion. We all have our weaknesses and strengths and accepting and loving the other as they are is necessary for any close relationship. If she can’t do that for you, that’s her own loss.
Wonderful, Amy. I am so glad this article resonated with you.You are very welcome! As for further reading, I recommend Ted Zeff’s books, and Elaine Aron’s, too…And I write a weekly blog myself all about creating more loving and connected relationships as an HSP… You can find it on my website ( see the link in the bio just above). I love your commitment to love and accept your husband as he is. I celebrate that!
A great share, thank you very much! I have been looking for simple articles on relationships to share with teenagers in school. This came at the perfect time! Thanks again!
So happy to share!
You are so welcome. I love that this article’s influence is rippling out to teenagers…That is a beautiful impact. I am grateful for what you do!
👍🏼🙏🏼
I’ve never read something more me, ever! I am so in love with this, and this truly made me think and understand myself so much more. Thank you so much for this!! I’m excited to apply this to my life and my next relationship! I now know why my last relationship failed and why I’m so afraid to love.
Very good article! As of late I’m struggling with a friend who has depression and I’ve always given more, and it’s come to a head where I feel he calls when he wants to hang out but doesn’t think of how to be better friend. He doesn’t “show up,” so to speak, he keeps his emotions to himself and doesn’t take an active role in his friendships, and his marriage sometimes suffers too. I think as a HSP I need to try to be aware that he has different ways of showing love, but frankly what if someone is just not that good of a friend or significant other? I think finding that line so I can judge the situation is really hard :/ that’s the biggest struggle because it could be you, but it also could be them. Is finding compromise fair? Or should I accept them as they are with no compromise? It’s pretty tough stuff.
I never comment on anything but I just want to truly thank you for this piece! It has helped me a great deal
I was completely blown away reading this-how could a complete stranger be describing me- into the far reaches of my being-with such precise detail?! I’ve known for awhile now that I am a HIghly-Sensitive- Person, but the insight you shared about what impact this can have on both the HSP and their partner, is phenomenal! It makes complete sense to me, which, as you know, is extremely satisfying to an HSP(enjoy processing and getting to the heart of the matter ☺️).
I find your three tips right on and very helpful. For me it is a continual process of resetting myself and remembering to cherish the ways my husband does show love. At times though, I do feel a bit sad and lonely because I consider him my best friend (we have been married for 26 years and together for 32-high-school sweethearts) , and yet I feel a disconnect in sharing things that i am compassionate about, almost like sharing it deflates it because I feel it at a 10 and he feels it and responds at a 2 or 3. There are many times where I just find it easier and “safer” to just shut down and close myself in, not only from him, but from everyone. I am grateful that I have a husband who has stayed with me through my hot and cold modes, sadly I think he has “gotten used to it” over the years. At the end of the day, He is the one person that I can count on to be there for me, in the best way he knows how.
Thank you again, Hannah, for sharing your wisdom, I will be looking for more of your gems now that I have discovered them!
Hi. Someone going through depression or just hard times in life, doesn’t have the capacity to think and see like people with normal serotonins…
Depressed friend doesn’t want to talk about his/her feelings either because they’re so complicated they just want to forget the sad thoughts for once, they’re afraid of being bad company or just not worth it.
You have to have patience with this. People with depression can feel so tired, lonely and sad as it is. Just be there and dont ask for them to be anything more that they can be. If you need more, go get it somewhere else.
We are sure my mother was autistic, but didn’t realize until about a year before she died, at age 93! I had always felt hurt that she never expressed love in any way that my sweet Dad and I expected and needed. Once my partner pointed out that he thought she had Asperger’s, and I realized that fit exactly all the odd things about her, I came to her from such a tender place (understanding that her brain worked differently), that we had a very sweet last year. Since her death (and my dad’s a year later, in my home), I have come to know them even better, and to see how she gave her gifts – in things she made us or bought us (even if she rarely got my taste right!)
I feel like I have such a sweet relationship with her now, though occasionally I do wish I could have gotten there without a “diagnosis!”
Like, why can’t we just accept that everyone’s brain works a little differently, and realize everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. I am still working on forgiving myself for not being there for her more emotionally (I was her only child) – I always cared for her and them, and we never ever argued. I wish I could have known her sooner (was always trying to know her!), and had more tender time together. Forgiving myself is always my biggest task. I tend to forgive everyone else first.
Probably not an appropriate relationship I’d say since he’s “Married”.
Bunk. Grandiosity seems to be assumed. Perhaps take note that the individual that submitted this was expressing his own “perception” and “interpretation”. The “friend” was doing the same in stating that she “always gave more”. Truth always lies somewhere in between the stances because in the end, every single one of us is human and prone to inaccurate and rather selfish assessments.
The key to the above is to communicate-in facts. Let those rest. And, if one is giving more and the other cannot rise to that-perhaps the match is not a good one. There’s always a chaser and a chased. Most of us want to be chased from time to time whether we admit it or not.
Also, in response to ‘getting’ through giving…there is No such thing as true Altruism. Fact. Yes, givers get – just a fact- it makes them feel good to make others happy. IF, in fact, the giver is giving IN ORDER to get- which probably is NOT the case-at least until the pattern of lack becomes overwhelming—then it’s called manipulation, Not “giving”. Giving is a selfless act. It has natural outcomes including good feelings. It’s the REASON behind behaviors that matter.
I’d also question the “good friend” standing of years-friendships between men and women who have romantic commitments to someone other than the “friend” stated are completely inappropriate. Comes down to this: there are standards-follow them. If you don’t, there will be suffering. Plain and simple.