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Chinese boyfriend broke up with me as his parents will not allow him to move out

Home→Forums→Relationships→Chinese boyfriend broke up with me as his parents will not allow him to move out

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • August 19, 2018 at 9:16 am #222063
    Owl
    Participant

    Hi,

    I had been dating my ex for 6 months. We had a very good relationship and I felt very content. From what I could gather, he felt the same.

    A few days ago, he brought up that his parents had mentioned the fact that they’d expect whoever he chooses to make a family with to live in their family home with them as one big family rather than him ever moving out with his chosen girlfriend. This was not what either of us had wanted or planned. He seemed unaware of his parents expectations for this as we often talked about where we would choose to live and our everyday life together.

    Without me having to tell him, he knew I would not want to live with the family in their home. Why would I leave my own family, to go and live with his (seemingly controlling) parents? I would have to get a new job as it is too far and I would have nowhere to call my own. We would not be creating a life together, more me fitting into his parents idea of what they want.

    He had always been very loving to me and I was aware that his parents are very important to him. I feel quite hurt that it now seems as if I have put a choice between his parents and myself, but I don’t feel like a topic such as moving out is even anything to do with his parents. He is a 27 yo Doctor and I am a 25 yo Nurse, we would be very much able to support ourselves and I had tried to argue the fact that in no way would I want him ‘abandoning’ the family but that this is a step he would need to take to become his own and take a step towards our own family. I would allow the family to continue to be very involved and would want them to consider me one of their own.

    He tried to discuss this with his parents across a 3 day period. Each time we discussed it I felt as if he knew I knew how he felt about it all, but that he was somewhat helpless in the decision. He would then try to discuss it again with family only for him to then return to me more cold and conclusive that he ‘had to do what his parents wanted’.  His parents said that this was their ‘culture’ – however he has been in the UK for the whole of his life and is very much British. The parents themselves left their families from abroad to move to the UK and I feel this outright not allowing him to move out is only coming from a place of selfishness rather than any true ‘cultural’ belief.

    I am quite torn up about all of this and I miss him tremendously and it’s only been 4 days. I feel helpless in the situation and I don’t know what to do.

     

    Please help 🙁

    August 19, 2018 at 10:05 am #222107
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Owl:

    Your thinking reads accurate to me, insightful, sensible, realistic and true. I agree with you that it is not an issue of culture, on the part of his parents, but an issue of selfishness. I would add, it is an issue of power. Maybe much of culture is about power, parents maintaining power over their adult children.

    It really is not a choice between his family and you, but between him submitting to their power, unfair to him, and exerting power over his own life.

    The power parents have over their young children extends into all cultures. It is something common to the human species as well as to many other animal species. Many parents take it upon themselves to extend their power into their child’s adult life.

    I don’t think you can match their power over him, even if you were interested in exercising power over him. The power they have over him was established long ago, way before he became a doctor, and his ability to make a good living has nothing to do with it.

    You wrote that you don’t know what to do. What I would do if I was you, at the most, would be to express to him clearly what is happening here, which you described perfectly and I repeated and elaborated on, just a bit, and let it go, let him be. Simply because there is nothing else that you can do.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    August 19, 2018 at 11:12 am #222117
    Michelle
    Participant

    Cultural pull is strong with some backgrounds. Most notably those from the East. I dated an Indian guy and this story pretty much aligns with what I went through. My guy eventually started seeking “suitable” women to marry while he was with me … and then got married two months after I found out. It was all because his parents wanted control over who is permitted into their lives. I personally find it quite backwards (and heartbreaking for all involved), but I don’t pretend to even understand it fully.

    His parents are his parents. They have been with him since birth. You have been there for six months. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. The parents have the ability (and will, it seems) to ruin this if they so choose. Try to avoid getting hurt. Please do read more about these cultures and understand that it isn’t anything personal. That is what helped me the most because it will be a blow to your self-esteem.

    August 20, 2018 at 1:33 am #222159
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Owl,

    Given the circumstances that you described particularly his inability to take a decision independent of his parents, the break up is probably what is the best thing for your future well being.

    You can communicate how you feel to him about the situation but the best option is to move forward as much as it hurts knowing that this person has not been able to stand up for you.

    Take care

     

    August 31, 2018 at 4:37 am #223831
    Owl
    Participant

    An update.

    He contacted me because I had an important doctors appointment. Since then we had began talking again (without addressing the breakup issue) and talked every night on the phone until early morning.

     

    I couldn’t hold myself back as I miss him dearly and got frustrated that he hadnt suggested we meet. We’ve now discussed the issue of him being unable to move out again and he’s very coldly concluded that nothing has changed. I have tried to suggest that I would even live alone in the meanwhile if he could aim to leave the parental home by the next three years (he’d be 30!)

    I feel I have tried to compromise but no compromise has been made by the other half. I cannot understand how someone who supposedly loves me can so easily accept that our relationship is over because he cannot stand up to his parents, in fact he even told me they are unaware we had been talking again as they would disapprove .

    I feel extremely deflated and lost to be so helpless in changing anything in this situation. How can he just accept that we can’t be together simply because his parents do not want him to move out the family house? Why won’t he just stand up to them when moving out of the house by 30 is clearly something normal to do?

    I cannot bare the idea of no more contact etc but clearly he can (and I will go back to no contact now that he has clearly shown nothing has changed)

    More advice please??

    August 31, 2018 at 5:03 am #223837
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Owl:

    I suppose your only hope in regard to this man is to convince his parents to allow him to move out and live with you, now or three years from now. If his parents approve of your plan, then I assume he will go along with you.

    anita

    August 31, 2018 at 5:09 am #223843
    Owl
    Participant

    I don’t think they are going to do that. It would only be if he decided he was going to go against their wishes and I don’t think that will happen either.

    I suppose that is my answer to all of this.

    August 31, 2018 at 5:36 am #223847
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Owl:

    I suppose this is your answer. Now it is about not pushing away the answer because there is pain in it. Not trying again and again, keep hoping against all hope. It is now about accepting reality and enduring the pain involved in this acceptance.

    I know it is difficult because only yesterday I felt pain about a certain reality in my life and it felt terrible. I reminded myself that I have to endure this pain and still it hurt just the same. This early morning I feel somewhat better. I hope you feel better soon.

    anita

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