Dear Manyfires:

If I understand it correctly, the following happened: you, your mother, a brother and sister all lived with your aunt and her daughter (there may have been more people living there). You shared a room with her daughter,  your cousin and best friend. At one point, when you were 14, her daughter did something to her mother’s clothes and she, her mother/ your aunt blamed you for it.

No matter how many times you denied it, the blame continued and so did the punishment, removing your cousin from your room, not allowing you to sit with the family to eat and other punishments. Your mother didn’t defend you and your brother and sister to this very day, mistreat you.

No wonder you are “experiencing deep disappoint(ment) in family relationships”- what happened to you is a tragedy, really. You were used as a scapegoat, reads to me, chosen as the one to blame, a target and one to exclude so that your aunt will feel better. And your mother cared about the person in charge of the place, the person in power of her living situation, willing to sacrifice her own daughter so to have a place to live and be at peace with the person in power.

What a shame that this happened to you, an incredible injustice. Incredible for it to have lasted throughout your childhood, since being 14 and never corrected.

About your daughter, if you would like to share more about how the poor relationship between you and her came about, please do. Reads to me that she had children very young, in her teens?

anita

Dear Manyfires:

You are welcome. In regard to  letting go of the hurt and the anger at your aunt, siblings, the people who scapegoated you when you were a teenager and on, and still, I would say that it is most important that you have no contact with any of them, none whatsoever, not a word exchanged for any reason. It must be clear to any one of them that indeed you will have no interaction with them, no matter what, that you will never again see them, or hear their voices.

You must make yourself perfectly unavailable for any future scapegoating, the replaying of the old or being the target to scapegoat you in new situations.

When I cut all contact with my mother, it was important to me that the no contact exists no matter what. I had to trust myself this way, to no longer put myself in a situation where I see her or hear her voice.

When you are safe this way, trusting yourself to no longer be mistreated by these particular people, then, in that safety, the hurt and anger can slowly weaken. Anger motivates all animals to fight, this is the purpose of anger in nature. When you feel safe, there is no longer danger, no longer the need to fight, and the anger weakens.

anita