“What I know for sure is that you feel real joy in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth.” ~Oprah Winfrey
If we cannot live in and from our truth, then we cannot be authentic. The process of self- actualization is not striving to become the person we are supposed to be. It is removing what is not true for or about us so that we can be the person that we already are.
The hardest part of living in my truth was coming to understand and accept that it didn’t matter how anyone else experienced my childhood and my life but myself. That includes my father, mother, and three siblings. It also didn’t matter how others were affected or not. For our recovery only our truth matters
Why is standing in our truth so important? It is impossible to build a solid life on a foundation of untruths, lies, denial, fabrications, and misinterpretations.
Many of us have built our lives according to what we were taught and what we gleaned from a childhood spent in dysfunctional homes. We were asked to play a role that served our dysfunctional family system and not ourselves. We learned not to question the status quo, to follow unwritten rules, to live in denial and fantasy.
Growing up I thought my family was fine; everyone else was messed up. I thought everyone’s mother drank themselves into a stupor on a daily basis and everyone’s father had become a ghost. Neither of my parents was available for support or counsel.
I was no good, according to my father’s constant criticism, and would never amount to anything. I was a good football player and I would come off the field feeling I’d played a good game. That was until I reached my father and all he wanted to do was to talk about the block I missed or the tackle I didn’t make.
Slowly, I stopped to try to impress my father, and eventually I stopped trying anything at all. Then I found drugs and alcohol during the summer between ninth and tenth grade.
I fell in love with partying and cared little for anything else. I quit football immediately and later quit school altogether. I was a sixteen-year-old boy making life decisions by himself due to his parents’ dysfunction.
Little did I know that no one looks favorably at partying skills, and they get you nowhere in life. It took me thirteen years to figure that out, after which I went to rehab and have been clean ever since.
I don’t think that I lost myself; it’s more like I never had myself. I was just pieces of those around me. I had tried so hard to be who everyone wanted me to be that I left myself behind.
“…human beings universally abandon themselves for five major reasons: for someone’s love, for someone’s acceptance and approval, to keep the peace, to maintain balance, or to stay in the state of harmony. When we abandon ourselves for someone’s love, pretending to be other than who we are in order to get someone’s love, acceptance, or approval, it is a form of self-abandonment.” Angeles Arrien Ph.D., The Four-Fold Way
I had spent my life being who others wanted me to be—who I had to be to get by, to be safe, to fit in, to not make waves. I no longer knew who I was, who I wanted to be, what I liked, and what I believed. I had been a chameleon for so long and had shape-shifted so many times that I didn’t know who I was.
This never hit me as hard as when I was a new member of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic therapy group. One of the older members confronted me during our check-ins. He said, “I don’t care what your sponsor or father thinks or what anyone else thinks; I want to know what you think.”
In working with that statement I came to realize that I didn’t have many original thoughts or beliefs. That I had let other people and events decide who I was for me.
“What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become, and what you become has consequences.” ~Earnie Larson, a pioneer in the field of recovery from addictive behaviors
It is devastating when you realize that you are inauthentic. That in some ways who you are and what you present to the people and the world around you is a lie. On the other hand, this awareness is also a blessing, because without awareness there can be no change.
I realized that I would not be able to find my truth while being subjected to the influence of my family. That I had to spend time away from them to do the work needed. That doesn’t mean that I had nothing to do with them. I just kept my time with family members short and superficial.
I also began to spend time with myself contemplating and writing in my journal. I began to question my beliefs, understandings, and positions.
John Bradshaw talks about coming to realize that the thoughts we are thinking aren’t our own. That it is someone else’s voice in our head and we need to determine whose. For me, I came to realize that so much of the self-critical thoughts were actually criticisms my father had of me that I had chosen to own.
In recovery, we say that “everything that we know is up for revision, especially what we know to be true.” In my own search I was so confused and uncertain of my truth that I had to start with discarding what I knew was not true—the things my father had told me, for example. The things that I was unsure of, I had to try on and drive around the block for a while.
Today I am aware that my search for the truth is a spiritual endeavor, which includes prayer, meditation, and contemplation. My hope and prayers are that all who read this will strive to find and live in and from their truth.
About Paul Hellwig
Paul Helwig is a certified life coach, speaker, author, and recovering addict with over twenty-eighty years clean. He uses his experience as someone who has healed from sexual abuse, a dysfunctional childhood, and drug addiction to help others in recovery. He believes that inner child and dysfunctional family work are two greatly underused areas of healing, and he's made it his mission to change this.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I have a distinct problem with this, as a Buddhist.
There is THE truth and YOUR opinion, or interpretation of the world.
Yes,it is true that one cannot construct a world on untruths, lies and deceit. – however, to stage YOUR truth is to simply “pick and choose” the parts of reality you WISH, not what IS. This will lead to un-authenticity.
understanding yourself, seeing where reality and you interact (or not) and taking the universe as it IS, not some repackaging of YOUR TRUTH…and saying “ok, this is the world. this is how it works. I accept this. Now, how do i maneuver within it!” appears better to me than a narcissistic “THIS IS MY TRUTH ACCEPT IT!”
As a five year old, I honestly believed that all fathers were nasty and could never understand why in some hymns we sang at school, God was referred to as a ‘ loving father ‘ Shows how vulnerable a child’s mind is and how much care it needs.
A lot of food for thought.
Throughout our lives their will be times, especially during transitions between stages of life, where we are confronted with having to reconcile what we were taught, directly or indirectly, of who we ‘should be’, what we should think… and our experiences. It is no easy task taking ownership of one’s beliefs/truths, standing in them, while open to learning better, so that we might unify our being and doing.
“We must put our confidence in truth. But that doesn’t mean sitting back, and waiting for the truth to shine from above, as one might sit back and wait for the day to break. It means following with devoted obedience the truth we have seen as true, with an entire confidence in G_d (Life), that he will correct, clear and redirect our vision, to the perception of a freer and deeper truth. Go with the truth you have, and let it carry you into collision with the hard rocks of fact, and then you’ll learn something.” – Austin Farrer
Wow, such a great time to read this. I am having to have a break from the patterns in my family because I do not want to “play along” to stay liked. Its so dysfunctional. So I’m stepping away. I’ll see my Dad also in a superficial way so I can see my niece but detach from him with love. I’m not going round in circles anymore, one minute he loves the next he hates.
This is so profound for me. Starting with my family I have been told that every thought I had, every deed I did, every move I made was wrong. I was blessed with a strong constitution and survived it all. Unfortunately I did miss out on a lot of opportunities, until I met my husband and he encouraged me to trust myself. I have finally achieved more than I ever thought I could. I am happier than I have ever been and see how miserable the people who tormented me were. God helped me through it and Sent me a great husband and finding articles like yours reinforces how great life can be. I pray that more people find you when they need you.
God Bless.
I felt blessed to come across your post. I relate to quite a great extent , as I myself have parents whom I’ve never felt deeply besides me. As a child, I was exposed to a great deal of arguments and criticism, and made a habit of locking myself in my room in the attempt to minimise the interaction. As I grew up, I started to notice how the general atmosphere in my house affected my life, which is to say that I became very withdrawn and critical, lacking confidence and value. I began to try to be as different as I could from my parents and I refused to bring up the most important topics to me in the conversations we had, and they never questioned anything. But over time, I assumed that not having a valuable relationship with my parents was my fault and I let the burden of that increase my guilt.
I’ve been on a coaching programme for two years now, which has helped me improve my thinking a lot and address my issues with care. I still think that I am not fully recovered, but I have progressed a lot in terms of relieving myself of guilt, expectations and criticism.
Ehh what is THE TRUTH exactly? I think all truth is filtered through everyone’s perception – therefore all truths are our own truths. I do not believe that there is just one truth…if there is I have no clue what it would be. I’m not a Buddhist so maybe am not approaching this from where you are but I found this article to be very relatable and make a lot of sense on my own authenticity journey. Nothing about this struck me as narcissistic.
As a Buddhist also I must be following a very different path than the one you practice. In my study and practice there is no judgement or criticism of another’s path, and calling another beings path or choice narcissistic is very judgemental. As I understand it we are each entitled and encouraged to find our own path, judgement of another’s choices has no place in the Buddhist tradition that I study. Yours must be very different.
I don’t think Paul was talking about a materialism definition of truth.
“I like apple pie” is a subjective opinion however I would not be standing in my truth if I pretended to dislike apple pie in order to be accepted by those that did not like apple pie. Such is often the root of cognitive dissonance and a great deal of suffering.
Discovering and living one’s truth is a life long journey
“Do not believe anything
because it is said by an authority,
or if it is said to come from angels,
or from gods,
or from an inspired source.
Believe it only if you have explored it
in your own heart
and mind and body
and found it to be true.
Work out your own path,
through diligence”. – Gautama Buddha
I think that the only thing that really exists as reality is that which continues when we do not look at it. Things like “water is wet at room temp.” and “gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 on this planet.”
Things like “I like apple pie” and “I hate broccoli” you may think is the truth..to YOU, but it is different to the next person over.
“I like apple pie” is an opinion.
“Apple pie is made from apples” would be the truth.
The truth tends to be factual, measurable, and repeatable. There is no “interpretation” it stands on it’s own.
Rachael,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. I share my experience to help others as well as myself. I hope that my words help you on your journey!
Paul
Mine is more Stoic and Cynic. Watching people suffer because they are deluded means. “I turn around and walk away”..because I cannot help someone who is deluded. Only learners and listeners.
Thanks for your clarification – this makes sense. I think sometimes the intended meaning in these discussions can get lost in translation and semantics. While I agree that “apple pie is made from apples” is the truth, I also think “I like apple pie” can be an individual’s truth, even if it is also an opinion. And to me, what resonates about this article is how liberating it can be when you start enjoying and eating the crap outta that apple pie even if your whole family/social circle/media has told you it’s fattening, gross, you shouldn’t eat it etc. Agreed that it would not be good if you then force everyone around you to eat apple pie. But I think it’s great if someone can say “hey, it might not be what everyone else is doing but I love apple pie. take me or leave me because of that…”
This is a duality. Either it is your opinion, or it’s objective reality. They can match, or they cAnnot. In either event, objective reality wins, always.
“we are all having a trip in our own reality tunnels. We can share our trip, or we can have it alone, but it’s still a trip” ~ Timothy Leary
“Enjoying your own trip is fine, but the ground is still there. If you fall, it still hurts. The ground exists despite your trip, because that’s objective reality, not the psylocibin effect” ~ Terence McKenna
There IS a difference between “your path” and “your path on objective reality”
Taking the world as it IS …instead of how you want it TO BE….is the first step towards maturity.
Katie,
Thank you taking the time to read my article and letting me know that it was relatable and made sense to you.
I’m not sure if we are agreeing or disagreeing.
Taking the world as it IS, is getting to a place where one can say YES to Life as it is, the reality that Life eats Life. That is Life’s wonder and horror.
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; Mastering yourself is true power.” -Lao Tzu,
Both. Neither. That’s how Buddhism works.
It is very hard to be to inhale, step back in the mind, and look at things objectively instead of emotionally. That is where truth starts to show up. Not “opinion*, not “perspective”, TRUTH.
AND it’s hard as a rock and cold as ice. You must make friends with it.
Pieter,
I realized that I was living by truth and beliefs that were not my own. In some ways I was living someone else’s,life. It was painful coming to that understanding but freeing at the same time. Thank you for reading and commenting on my article
Thank you for reading and commenting on my article
I am not a Buddhist and have a very limited understanding of Buddhist beliefs. That said, I realized that I was living from the truths and beliefs of my family and not my own. I came to understand that I was not living an authentic life which was very painful for me. I was only seeking to find and live by my truth. I have never asked anyone else to accept my truth because that serves no purpose in my life
Samantha,
Thank you for letting me know that my writing has had a positive effect on others.It has been a long road and a lot of work to overcome the negative effects of the dysfunctional atmosphere in my house growing up. I am glad to hear that you have done the same! Please share the article with anyone you think it could help.
Karen,
I too was criticized a great deal growing up as well also told that I wouldn’t amount to anything. I lived as though that was true for many years and missed opportunities myself. Thank you for your prayer because my goal is to help others.
That’s reasonable. People like Matt D’Avella, Ryan Nicodemus, a d Josh Millburn talk a lot on this.
Perhaps I am a bit oversensitive on the term “my truth”. I hear it a lot, and it sounds so shallow and narssistic. I applaud you for looking in the mirror and saying “this ain’t me”. We all have those moments.
My personal challenge get is that I don’t share my options with many people (my favorite phrase is ‘do t ask me what I’m thinking, it will just make you mad”) – so when I say “that wall is solid”, and you run into it…then BLAME ME for your bruise,…well, got tired of that.
My wife says I’m very gentle with her, but the rest of the world I’m like a stone. Lots of “you should have listened” and “don’t get involved, you’ll just make a problem for yourself”.
To really understand how my experience with people and objective reality operates, I strongly encourage you to find Adam Carolla’s monologue on “the pothole of life”.
I got so tired of trying to talk everyone out of “purple sky world”, as I call it, that I simply walked away and STOPPED HELPING OTHERS.Now it may be cruel to let people live in a land of delusion, but it’s even crueller to show them the real world …and they throw a tantrum and blame you. So, I went full Galt and haven’t had a upset day since!
Good luck to you on you search for an authentic life.
Of course, and thank YOU for sharing!
Hello Common Sense Farmer,
I am not sure your harvest is as bountiful as it may first appear…
You said this:
“Now it may be cruel to let people live in a land of delusion, but it’s even crueller to show them the real world …and they throw a tantrum and blame you. So, I went full Galt and haven’t had a upset day since!”
Let’s unpack that “let people live in a land of delusion” phrase.
What “let”, I ask you?
You arent that powerful my friend.
None of us “lets” any truth go untold. People are on their own journey. Ours, sadly, is an age where “live and let live” has gone out the window. It is not our job to go around “revealing truths” to others. How can you be sure that what you think is right for me truly is right? Are you me? Are you in touch with my emotions? My soul? My mind?
No, no, no, and no.
Each human has an individual story. Ours is a wasteland where no one has the time or inclination to stop and get to know anyone.
We take one look and we’ve summed the other guy up in 30 seconds. It’s bullshit.
When you stopped “helping others”, you were actually helping youself. You freed yourself from a job no one asked you to do. You also freed them from your ill-conceived “good intentions”.
Your comment embodies the irony of the statement “Beware the naked man who offers you his shirt.”
When we truly help others, they don’t yell and scream at us upon receiving said help. That happens when we try to FIX others to match our ideals of what should be.
When we actually HELP someone, they smile, thank us, and find real peace, if even for a moment.
Mostly help comes in the form of listening to others. My sense is you did a lot of the talking.
Your “help” wasnt the enlightened thing you did.
Stopping the phony, pretentious, preachy crap you were probably shoving down peoples throats was the decent thing to do… but I wouldn’t call that an “enlightened” act.
I’d call it common sense.
Timothy Leary wasn’t a guru. He was a hippy who did too much acid. The guy’s a joke. Are you seriously referencing Leary in any connection to objectivity?
His use of the word “trip” is as a drug-induced hallucination. There’s no truth there. Just chemicals making ones brain fire a million MPH so you see and feel things.
Real shamans and gurus dont need that crap to have visions.
Leary was a Harvard washout who couldn’t handle the rigors of academic life so he turned himself into a sideshow freak.
Americans LOVE taking a big toke off the the easy fix pseudo enlightenment bong.
“Groovy, dude… I read a quote from Eckhart Tolle and went to India and do hot yoga and eat kale so now I’m better than everyone else.”
It’s basically that, right? The whole persona around this American Buddhist nonsense?
You all do know that 19 years ago, the Dalai Lama said he wants no more American or British converts to Buddhism, right:
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/faith-reason-no-more-buddhists-says-dalai-lama-1096508.html
Enjoy your California kale burger for $32.
“The process of self- actualization is not striving to become the person we are supposed to be. It is removing what is not true for or about us so that we can be the person that we already are.” Wow… beautifully said.