Dear Amelia:

Everything in your  life probably looks worse now that you are living where you live. It is a dark house, you wrote, and it darkens your whole life. As lonely as you were before, living in the house you are living in, makes you feel lonelier. You may have been jealous before, of your married friends, but now you are probably more jealous.

Is there no way for you to move out before January next year? Maybe there is a way. Maybe a friend can help you look or another place, lower in rent than the one you are in. Maybe there is a way for you to legally and without penalty void the contract because of the smell and dirt in the house?

I think this is a one thing at a time situation, and the one thing that needs to be changed as soon as possible is your living situation. Then the other things.

anita

Hello, I registered just to reply.

It sounds to me that you have two problems: 1, you are unhappy where you live, 2. You feel that you should have achieved certain goals in your life around houses, marriage, kids etc.

What I have found in my life is that you strive for something and once I had it, I got get really comfortable and looked for something else.  This is part of our survival nature to always be looking for something better.  We think that our happiness is linked to this goal.  (for example for you it could be I will be happy when I just move out)  This is not true, happiness is a state of mind and anyone can be happy regardless of circumstances.  Happiness really means a deep down lasting feeling of love of your life.

As for your current situation of living in a house that you don’t want with people you don’t like this you feel is the problem.  It certainly may not be the nicest place to live.

The first step I use is to sit with the problem, let the problem come up, the feelings associated with the problem.  I let the problem have space.  I found this helps with constant thinking and obsessing about the problem.

To solve the problem, you can move, which is a really good option.  But you said because of finances you cant move.  So now you have the choice of moving and letting your finances suffer (including eating baked beans for a few weeks) or you can suck it up and stay.  Now this is a choice and the feeling of being trapped is taken away as you have a choice.

If you choose to suck it up and stay then you can do two things: 1. Be miserable  2. Try to enjoy your time the best you can.  The time will go by either way.

If you made the mental decision to stay then you can think about all the things that you are grateful for.  When I focus on the problem I tend to have a half glass empty approach.  I look at others and think about what I don’t have.  I try to turn this thinking into all the positives.  For example I would think: at least I’m not on the street, I’m safe/warm, at least I don’t have to share a bed with a sibling (like they did in the distant past), at least I have my own space.  Then I start thinking how lucky really I am, thinking about all the homeless people in the world that would love to have their own room in a share house. Also I’m sure people in prison would also like to have their own room and privacy, with a door that they can leave anytime.

so from here you could make your decision to 2. try to enjoy the time you have there in the house.  1. Ask a single flat-mate that you think you would get on with to go for a coffee.  Maybe the people in the flat don’t socialize because no one has made an effort.

2. Use the time to do something you want or enjoy.  Read a list of books, learn a new skill (language etc.) or take up a new hobby.  The 6 months are going by anyway so you might as well do something with it.

I also wanted to comment on looking at others.  As humans we are wired to strive for something better.  It kept us alive in the caveman days, to look for food, tools shelter and to store things for the winter.  These were the people that survived.  If we look at the people above us and compare ourselves to them we find we talk negatively to ourselves.  This will cause us to not like our current situation.

I once heard a proverb “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”.  From the outside your friends lives might look perfect but there are all sorts of problems that come with home ownership.  Some people cant pay their mortgage, others cant afford it and live on credit cards and never will retire, some feel trapped as they cant easily move house, or travel or move to a different city like you did.  Others cant live in the area they wish, or are far away from family, want a bigger house, want a smaller house but cant change because of the economy.  Marriage is wonderful but it is also work and compromise, and some people are unhappy.  Their partner cheats, does drugs, gambles, is abusive or is an alcoholic.

Hopefully this info will help!