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He doesn't know anymore

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  • July 23, 2018 at 9:13 am #218259
    J
    Participant

    My husband and I have been together 14 years, married for nearly 9, In April he told me that he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, wanted me to change things for him. I did everything he asked of me, we are having financial difficulties and are in a lot of debt which has caused a lot of arguments. No one will help us get out of this financial rut and we are on a debt management plan.

    He is in the military and lives in another area of the UK. He came home on leave in May and I thought we were doing better, we had been getting on better than we had in a while and I thought everything was sorted.

    He’s now dropped the bombshell on me again today to say at the minute he doesn’t think he loves me and he doesn’t know what to do to fix it or what I can do. He was planning to come home and talk to me about it in August.

    I was abused as a child and it’s resulted in delayed onset complex PTSD which has led to me being sick on and off for 2 years. It seems to be since I got unwell he became unhappy. I’m heartbroken, he’s my best friend and the love of my life and the only reason I get up in the morning. I don’t know what else I can do to sort it or rekindle it as he says. The debt situation has definitely caused a rift between us and I’ve done everything short of becoming a prostitute to fix it.

    I don’t know what else to do, he doesn’t want to talk to a marriage counsellor as he said he can’t figure out himself what he needs to do. I feel like he lied to me when he was last home, but he said there were times when he was genuinely happy and other times he wasn’t sure if he was doing it because it felt “normal” to him.

    Can someone tell me what to do, please? I suggested moving to the area of the UK he is in as it would relieve some of the debt pressure, but he doesn’t seem keen on it. He said there is 100% no one else and I believe him.

     

    July 23, 2018 at 12:06 pm #218339
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:

    I would like to understand your situation better, therefore I ask: in April he told you that he wanted you to change things and you did. What changes did he want you to make?

    anita

    July 23, 2018 at 12:22 pm #218345
    J
    Participant

    To do more things with him and to be honest with him

    July 23, 2018 at 12:36 pm #218349
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:

    Were you not honest with him before he asked that? If you would like to answer that, please do. You wrote that you “don’t know what else to do”. I am trying to understand what you did do that wasn’t enough for him.

    * I will be away from the computer for about 15 hours. Hope you feel better soon and that other members will reply to you as well.

    anita

    July 23, 2018 at 4:34 pm #218375
    J
    Participant

    I was more open and honest with him than I was before. He wanted us to do more together so I made so much of an effort for him. Now he’s saying he doesn’t know if it’s too late. I can’t live without him, I just can’t.

    July 23, 2018 at 11:04 pm #218445
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear J,

    I feel sad when I think about the pain that you are going through. For a relation to heal, effort is required from both ends. From what you have written it looks as if you are the only one who is taking all the efforts.

    Is there anyone close to you, friends or family with whom you can talk to. If possible don’t go through this alone. You mentioned you were unwell from PTSD, how are you taking care of that?

     

    July 24, 2018 at 3:08 am #218485
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear J:

    A summary of your share:

    You and your husband have been married almost 9 years, together 14. He is in the military, currently serving away from you in another area of the UK. For a while the two of you had a lot of debt, which caused a lot of arguments (still in debt, now on a debt management plan). During your marriage you were sick on and off as a result of child abuse and a delayed onset complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).

    Three months ago, April, he told you that he didn’t know if he loved you anymore, that he wanted you to be “more open and honest with him” and to do more things together with him. Two months ago, May, when he was home with you on leave and you thought all was well.

    But yesterday he told you that he doesn’t think he loves you and “doesn’t know what to do to fix it or what (you) can do”. He told you yesterday, July 23, that he was planning on telling you this next month when he would be home, on another leave, I suppose. You suggested talking to a marriage counsellor, but he doesn’t want that. He told you that there is no other woman in his life. As you suggested this and that to him, he told you that “he doesn’t know if it’s too late”.

    My input: you pointed two very distressing happenings in your marriage, both not resolved and not expected to be resolved any time soon: a lot of debt and your CPTSD. The fact that he planned to tell you what he told you August, but was on a rush to tell you sooner, is very telling, to me. It tells me that he was very distressed for a while and felt that he had to say something, had to move toward a resolution of his distress.

    You wrote that you can’t live without him, meaning as I understand it, that you are very emotionally attached to him and you feel like you can’t live without him (but most likely, you can). Best you can do, as I see it, to increase the chances that your marriage/ relationship survives this and continues is the following:

    1. No more arguments of any kind about any topic whatsoever, no matter what. No fighting, no aggression. No matter what.

    2. Continue to be financially responsible and attentive so to eventually resolve the debt situation and of course, to not incur new debt, or behave in such a way that suggests more debt.

    3. Continue your healing from CPTSD but not with his help, not asking him for any emotional support for this. Free him from any responsibility for your healing. Make it your personal process, not involving him.

    4. If you agree with the above, and if you didn’t already state these things to him, do so, clearly and simply, not at length. Then let it be, no begging, no efforts to persuade him.

    Whenever you feel scared that he will leave you, that the marriage will end, calm yourself best you can, do not express this anxiety to him. I think that your anxiety may  very well have been what scared him, something he wants to be free of.  So better not express it to him. You can express it here, if you’d like.

    Let me know what you think.

    anita

     

     

    July 25, 2018 at 9:40 pm #218761
    Karissa
    Participant

    From my experience, a lot of things can be said in anger that people don’t truly mean. In the midst of a heated debate, emotions can skew what one knows to be true. He said “at that minute” he doesn’t love you. Could this have been spoken in anger?

    I think Anita has some good points (like continuing to be financially responsible), but I disagree with some others points. Conflict in marriage in unavoidable. Period. The question is not if we have a conflict, but how we will react to it. The important thing is to honest and to treat each other with love. Ignore that first instinct of fear or of anger, but take a step back (literally if you have to) and think about the fact that your husband is also a human who has legitimate feelings, even if you can’t understand them at the time.

    Keep lines of communication open. Let your husband know that you’re listening. Let him know that, yes, you feel hurt by what he said, but you are willing to talk about it and willing to do what it takes to keep the relationship. Distance can be hard on any relationship. VERY hard. I’m wondering if this is a factor, as well.

    Some people go to counseling by themselves even if their spouse does not want to. Maybe that will help you figure some things out for yourself and think through some things, not to mention help you process your PTSD.

    My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you, and I hope you are able to work things out. Remember marriage involves giving grace and grace and grace. -Karissa

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