Dear J:

A summary of your share:

You and your husband have been married almost 9 years, together 14. He is in the military, currently serving away from you in another area of the UK. For a while the two of you had a lot of debt, which caused a lot of arguments (still in debt, now on a debt management plan). During your marriage you were sick on and off as a result of child abuse and a delayed onset complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).

Three months ago, April, he told you that he didn’t know if he loved you anymore, that he wanted you to be “more open and honest with him” and to do more things together with him. Two months ago, May, when he was home with you on leave and you thought all was well.

But yesterday he told you that he doesn’t think he loves you and “doesn’t know what to do to fix it or what (you) can do”. He told you yesterday, July 23, that he was planning on telling you this next month when he would be home, on another leave, I suppose. You suggested talking to a marriage counsellor, but he doesn’t want that. He told you that there is no other woman in his life. As you suggested this and that to him, he told you that “he doesn’t know if it’s too late”.

My input: you pointed two very distressing happenings in your marriage, both not resolved and not expected to be resolved any time soon: a lot of debt and your CPTSD. The fact that he planned to tell you what he told you August, but was on a rush to tell you sooner, is very telling, to me. It tells me that he was very distressed for a while and felt that he had to say something, had to move toward a resolution of his distress.

You wrote that you can’t live without him, meaning as I understand it, that you are very emotionally attached to him and you feel like you can’t live without him (but most likely, you can). Best you can do, as I see it, to increase the chances that your marriage/ relationship survives this and continues is the following:

1. No more arguments of any kind about any topic whatsoever, no matter what. No fighting, no aggression. No matter what.

2. Continue to be financially responsible and attentive so to eventually resolve the debt situation and of course, to not incur new debt, or behave in such a way that suggests more debt.

3. Continue your healing from CPTSD but not with his help, not asking him for any emotional support for this. Free him from any responsibility for your healing. Make it your personal process, not involving him.

4. If you agree with the above, and if you didn’t already state these things to him, do so, clearly and simply, not at length. Then let it be, no begging, no efforts to persuade him.

Whenever you feel scared that he will leave you, that the marriage will end, calm yourself best you can, do not express this anxiety to him. I think that your anxiety may  very well have been what scared him, something he wants to be free of.  So better not express it to him. You can express it here, if you’d like.

Let me know what you think.

anita