We’re to even begin..

i met my partner at 22, had some pretty strong indicators (that I clearly ignored) after a few months into the relationship that he was possibly not a match for me. He was rude to me and took me for granted yet I was the cliche girl who was head over heals after the guy that showed me little attention. I moved with him on a wild goose chase to the middle of nowhere ( midland Texas), got stuck…….. and surprise surprise… pregnant. I was 23.
Years go by as we bounce around from geographical locations trying to find the place where we are both happy. He’s from Louisiana … I’m from Oregon.
We have had so so many ups and downs, struggle first and foremost with communication, and he’s a total stoner the 100% opposite of me. He mantra is as long as I show up for my responsibilities then what does it matter and why does it bother you. Why can’t you just be happy.
Its a weird position to be in on this side… because I guess he’s right.
However over the years spent of laying in bed at 2,3,4.. 6 am wondering where he was or why he’s still out after work… just seem not ok.
not fair… while I’m at home with our 2 kids.

The next morning sure… he’s there while I’m off to work, but our kids get a parents that’s  tired, sleep deprived and irritable.
It’s the same song and dance with the weed…  a never ending battle. He doesn’t understand  or see the receiving perspective of how it affects him overall. His lack of presence,  his personality muted, motivation gone. Not to mention the financial strain on a expensive habit that additionally causes him to eat through house and home. He’s failed drug tests and lost jobs over it.. which has placed immense emotional and financial pressure on our family.

The latest endevour of his is being back in school full time. WHICH IS GREAT.. I’m all in support and favor of bettering yourself through higher education and reaching for a better career at the end which would benefit the family as a whole. However I’m working full time like crazy , missing out on time spent with my kids, stressed about finances and the pressure to keep it all together .. while he fails classes because of procrastination  habits. I didn’t tell him how disappointed I was, I try to remain positive and encouraging because school is hard… but I also know it was because he isn’t taking it seriously. He fluffs away his time all day while the kids are in school…. and then when its time to be a DAD he’s trying to work on school work. He said “I know why I failed last term… I lost the evenings because of being at home with the kids if you have to work late”.  Keep in mind he has MON-FRI 8am-5;30 pm kid free time. No job… only school as his primary responsibility.

I’ve been trying to keep the wheels of forward progress in motion… its been a grind the say the least.

When we fight and I try bring the focus back on our family goals… I continually get this response “You just want it all now… the house.. the stable life, but its going to take time”.

Were in our mid 30’s… isn’t it time? By the time we are able to actually afford a house… the kids wont be living in it anymore *sigh*

We talked about separation a couple days ago and I’m trying to hardest to be strong and follow through this time because i feel like it’s the only option left to try. To see if we might both thrive as individuals outside of our intimate relationship.
After a couple of days of letting that decision settle we touched base again yesterday.. and this comment came blurting out of his mouth….
“Are you jealous that I can find the motivation to do he things I need and want that make me happy and your can’t? I tell you all the time you should go to the gym, take that dance class. I’ve encouraged you all along to find your happiness”
Again he’s right.. he has said that many times. However I’m the one who’s suffering .. depleting my energy stores, sacrificing because if I don’t who will?

Hes not a bad guy.. I do love him with an unconditional kind of love and am so incredibly grateful that he loves his kids so much. I also know he’s in love with me.
He knows I’ll always be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe all the hurt and challenges have jaded my heart to being open to being “in love” with him again. I’ve been trying… but I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m terrified of making the wrong choice, I would do anything for my kids. They are my reason and the thought of crushing their happy idealistic life of a family with mom and dad… crushes my heart.

I’m one lost momma right now and any words do wisdom are accepted with a wide open heart.