Hi David,

This may come as a shock, but if she’s as strong and independent as you claim, she might turn down that coffee with you. Forget about getting back together. I don’t think you can have her back simply because you feel you could have made a mistake.

From her perspective perhaps: She rarely lost it, and when she did, you couldn’t handle it. A lot of women are thus labelled “crazy” this way. Maybe she was trying to be perfect herself and ultimately blew up at an embarrassing level. You then broke up with her, so now she could be going around saying that she couldn’t be her real self around YOU! Who knows?

Of course no one else compares. She was a strong personality. It sounds like she needs another strong personality to be with her long term.

Sorry my insights were a bit harsh, but there it is,

Inky

I am with Anita on this one. This is not how one should feel in a loving and nurturing relationship: “I began to monitor my actions and words to prevent this from happening…it began to drive me insane… the amount of stress/anxiety I was feeling became overwhelming for me… I was walking on eggshells.. I couldn’t take it anymore”. Actually if you were a woman and physically weaker (if the roles were reversed), you would feel scared, not just uncomfortable. And walking on eggshells is a definition taken straight out of an abusive relationship characteristics.

Did you ever tell her how her outbursts made you feel? If you did, what was her response?

Now when she is gone, you are no longer uncomfortable and remember only good things about her.

Having said all that… If you feel so strongly about her, you can try and talk to her over a cup of coffee. Inky is right – she may tell you to get lost and even get angry . Or she will agree to meet with you, hear you out and want to work things out. Either way you will get a result and hopefully will stop questioning your decision.

Dear David:

In your note to me you wrote “in my case, I don’t feel like I’m damaged”- way less than a child would be living with her.

*If you reunited with her and had a child, that child would be significantly damaged, a victim.

You were damaged during the relationship (re-read my quote in my previous post to you, if you will). Now you are no longer living with the danger that at any time a “volcanic eruption” may take place, so you are better for it.

You wrote, “(I) wonder if I had been stronger, could we have worked through our issues”- but living under the threat of a volcanic eruption weakens a person, any person. So how could you have been stronger.

She tried, you suggested, to control her behavior when angry. Sometimes she succeeded. What it takes is complete success so to allow a loving, safe relationship with any person. And it takes more than an intention and more than effort. If she attended psychotherapy where she learned what is called emotional regulation skills, if she learned to endure her distress without reacting aggressively, over time and succeeded in doing so month after month, then there would be a chance for a loving relationship to take place.

Aggression is a requirement in the context of war. Safety is a requirement in the context of love.

anita