Dear James:

Welcome back!

Summary of your story: you met her at a hotel while she was visiting your city and country for another 2.5 months. You had sex that first meeting. Met in person every 2-3 days and texted daily. She told you the second week that “her friends advised her to advise (you) that she will be returning home soon” and she continued to text you. Third week or so you were on a holiday with male friends and she texted you that she wanted “to end things”. You ignored her text and she kept texting. Then you had a phone conversation. She told you in that conversation that she prefers spending the rest of her time in your city/ country with other people, and “sleep with other new guys whom she wouldn’t have feelings for”. Following that you met her in person one last time and she told you that “she didn’t want to have anything to do with (you) from here on because she’s afraid it will hurt her”. While still in your country, there was no contact between the two of you for three weeks. Then some FB post, a few texts, then more no contact, and she left your country “without a goodbye”.

Your questions: “What do you make of all this?”- a major element to this very short relationship is that it took place while she was visiting your country, not living there. There are at least two possibilities: either she did experience intense feelings for you and was concerned about getting too emotionally attached to you or –

she sensed that you were getting too emotionally attached to her and was concerned that you will harass her as a result of your attachment to her. In her anxiety over you harassing her, she harassed you (texting you repeatedly during your trip) so to make sure you are okay with the ending of the relationship.

Before and if I attempt to answer your other questions, I need to know what do you think of these two possibilities?

anita

Dear James:

We can continue to explore this, if you want. When she told you that “her friends advised her to advise me that she will be returning home soon”- it lead me to think that she was concerned about your behavior and therefore needed to advise you, to have her friends advise you, letting you know it will end soon, so that you will not get too attached. What other motivation do you think brought about this advisement on her part?

I was wondering about the context of her telling you that she would  like to “sleep with other new guys whom she wouldn’t have feelings for”. Did she say this in anger? What did you tell her before she made this statement and after she did?

anita

Dear James:

I am leaning toward the first possibility then.

“What do you make of all this?”-she felt too attached to you for comfort. Her emotional attachment to you, formed quickly, during a visit to your country, distressed her and she was in a rush to end that feeling. This is why she rushed to end the beginning relationship while you were away on a trip, and why she chose to have no contact with her while still present in your country.

“Should I delete her off social media?” – probably a good idea, so to put the experience in your past, to no longer have that experience triggered and re-lived in the present.

“Do you think she likes me or misses me?”- I can’t tell, of course. I am guessing that the answer is no because she felt so uncomfortable liking and missing you before, rushing to no longer feeling these things for you. Away from you in her own country, with very little contact, I am assuming she is over that attachment.

“How can I heal… I still question what I did wrong. I still question why she doesn’t want to consider me in the future”- I don’t know if you did anything wrong. I do know that everyone does things wrong sometimes but that doesn’t stop relationships from starting and continuing for as long as they do. I don’t know her thoughts, what you shared with her, what of what you shared she liked and what she didn’t like, what she feels about long distance relationships, what her past is in regards to relationships, don’t have that information.

To heal, probably a good idea to no longer read about her, to no longer expose yourself to information about her. Before you end all contact, maybe, just maybe it will be a good idea to ask her the question you asked here, that is what did you do wrong, in her mind and why she didn’t or doesn’t consider a long distance relationship with you…?

anita

Dear James:

You are welcome.

Your understanding makes sense to me. Her rushing to end things while you were on a trip is the strongest evidence of her distress regarding the experience of emotional attachment. Her history of having only friends-with-benefits relationships with men is more, very strong evidence to what I believe is your correct understanding.

anita