“Human life runs its course in the metamorphosis between receiving and giving.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
This past week I simultaneously experienced some of the strongest physical pain and immense joy I have ever experienced. While the former has everything to do with the six-inch incision in my abdomen, the latter revolves around a number of lessons about willfully receiving.
As I wrote last week, I had my myomectomy surgery on Tuesday to remove a soccer ball-sized growth in my uterus. On Monday, it occurred to me I’d appreciate reading uplifting notes from the community, but a part of me wondered if it would be tacky to explicitly ask for them.
After all, I’d already received many emails from concerned readers who took the time to reach out. Furthermore, I’ve always written that this site is not about me; would it really be wise to dedicate an entire post to seeking attention and support?
Despite my concerns, I decided to do just that, because I knew it would make me feel good. That it did, when I realized on Wednesday that hundreds of people had commented on my blog post, sharing stories and links to videos that made them smile.
That same day, when my doctor came to see me in the hospital, she looked at me with kind eyes and a loving smile, and came close to give me a hug. Despite my post-operative frailty, she gave me a real one—the kind that felt strong and just long enough to mean something. I simply melted into it.
The next day when she visited again, and came in close to my bed, I put my arms up, assuming it was for the same reason—but it turned out she was just checking my scar.
It occurred to me later that I must have looked like a 5-year old reaching out for her mother to pick her up. Despite my vulnerable sense of awkwardness, that actually made me smile. I was not ashamed of enjoying what she’d given!
It also made me smile that my actual mother flew out to be there for me. She was there my first night in the hospital and stayed through Sunday morning to assist with everything from getting dressed to cleaning my sinks.
This one was a little tough for me. I’ve been on my own since I graduated from school, and I’ve rarely asked my family for anything. It’s been a big part of my need to prove my independence: I decided early on that I’d never ask for help.
Considering how often I needed it, this was a rough decision. I carried the weight of heavy emotions alone for years; and I lived in some dangerous conditions just to prove to myself I could move past them on my own.
Despite having my mother here to help with anything and everything, I found myself playing host to her—asking if she wanted a cup of tea, or offering to get her a blanket.
She had come to take care of me, and yet I blatantly rejected it at times.
So in much the same way I didn’t consider refusing the flowers and support my boyfriend gave me, I decided to accept her every offer with gratitude and humility. I didn’t need to feel helpless, or apologize for needing assistance, or even the score by doing things for her.
My job was simply to accept every ounce of love that people were sending my way. Turns out sometimes it’s okay for things to be all about me.
So this is my thank you for the kindness you gave me. I asked for what I needed and I felt love in every direction this week. And though I’ve willingly taken the painkillers my doctor has prescribed, that I’ve learned, is the best prescription for healing.
Photo by pinkismagic
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I hope you are doing well & heal fast! I have had similar experiences & struggle with asking for help at times, thank you for sharing. Sending much love your way. 🙂
Glad the surgery went well. Thanks for everything you do on this blog!
Very moving post. I’m happy to hear you are doing well.
God bless with deep healing and much love. Take care
A beautiful, inspiring example of receiving, Lori! Sending healing thoughts your way –
Lori,
So happy you are accepting all the love, kindness coming to you. We Moms want to help our kids, regardless of age or circumstances. It makes us feel needed. we want to extend love. Lots of Love to you for your daily words of wisdom.
We who are independent women, AND givers may find it hard to ask for help and to receive.
For me, rejecting help is a life long habit: it is automatic Not asking for help is supported by my beliefs of generosity and kindness.
However, if I turn my beliefs around by asking for help or receiving another’s kindness, this is also a generous and kind act … because it allows others to be generous, kind, giving. This makes them feel good, creates positive karma, is an example that may inspire other’s who witness it, and increases the energy of “love-all-around” in the world. Everyone benefits from that.
If any of us were in a desert, unfamiliar with the ways of survival, wouldn’t we accept a native’s offer of water or the inside of a cactus to nourish us, and keep us alive?
Accepting generosity and kindness is the same. It is accepting the love others have for us, whether it is love for us personally (out of friendship) or love for us as a fellow human being (who is yet unknown). It keeps us alive!
Lori,
So happy the surgery went well, and that soccer ball got kicked into the goal!
I love hearing about your naturalness in stretching your arms out to recevie a hug. Stretch them out again, right now, as I am hugging you and holding you firmly and gently for as long as you wish!
deep fondness for you!
linnaea
Dear Lori,
So glad to hear that you are better and back in the saddle again. Thanks for sharing. Please stay healthy.
Hi Lori!
I couldn’t help but laugh at your arm-raising scene 😉 Awww..how sweet.
But, dear lord! the size of a soccerball..?!?! that’s big. Good to read you are ok.
The rest of your story (the don’t need anyone part) I can relate to as well. What crazy “ideas” we can have sometimes 😉
Be well, take your time.
This is such an important lesson for independent people. I had a similar experience and one of my friends told me “You’re not a very good friend” I was stung. “In what way?” I asked. “You never let anyone help you and that is an important part of friendship”
I realized then I was being selfish in not letting people share their love and compassion and that I was clinging to pride and ego.
When it comes to social media, people are not looking for information, they are looking for the connections they have in common. The MOST interesting part of a blog is the person writing it. Never hold back from connecting with your readers..
Much Love Lori, sending you healing energy
I’m so happy to hear you’re doing well and you were able to accept love and comfort! That has been something I have struggled with a lot: I pride myself on being independent and don’t like to trouble other people. But last week I was sick and I made myself call my mom and ask for soup. It was so, so nice to let someone else love me for a minute and my mom appreciated it and we had a nice afternoon together. Thank you for your post; it confirmed a lot of what I was feeling. I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best recovery!
I’m soooo glad that everything went well ! Even though I know that you picked good hands to be in – I was still worried about you as I am a worrier over people I care about :~)
I am relieved and happy – thank you again for sharing.
Susie from Boston
Thank you so much for your transparency in your blogs. Most everyday when I read them, I feel that you’re writing them just for me and it’s like God is talking to me through you.
I hope that you’re healing well and on the mend.
Much love to you!!!maggie chickey
Lori, Wish I could give you a big hug! I’m glad you are on the road to good health! Linda
I am so glad that you stepped out of your comfort zone and reached out knowing that the results would help you. I am glad that you received what you needed, then to turn around and write to all of us about your gratetude…you are an inspiration and such an eloquent writer!!! I am so please you are doing well and that you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and accept the love and kindness from your support system!! 🙂 CHEERS!
Hi Lori,
I’m happy your surgery went well. I’m sending positive thoughts towards you and hope you’ll be back on track very soon.
Thank you for sharing with us such deep and uplifting thoughts.
Glad to hear everything is getting back to healthy normal.
Keep your good work up! :*
Thanks so much Emily! I’ve always had this fear of appearing selfish, and so I’m tempted at times to do everything on my own, but I’m so glad I asked for what I needed this week. I’m sending much love back to you. =)
Thanks so much Uzma. =)
Thanks so much Rose! I can’t wait to be a mother some day so I can do the same. Lots of love right back to you. =)
That’s such a great point linnaea! I know I feel good when I help other people, so why not give them that same satisfaction? Thank you for sharing your kindness, generosity, and wisdom. =)
LOL yes it did indeed get kicked into the goal! I originally thought it was about the size of a grapefruit, so I was shocked to see the photo they took. They had to cut it into many pieces to take it out. What a relief to finally have it out! I’m looking forward to lying on my stomach in yoga again, once I heal.
Thanks so much. I think I’m recovering nicely so far! =)
I’m so glad you are recovering from your surgery. The lessons never stop, do they? 🙂 This is such a beautiful post about the power of asking for what we need and then being willing to receive it. I, too, struggle with this and honestly spend each day reminding myself that it’s okay to need others and lean on others. It’s part of the ebb and flow of life – one day you’ll be the strong one for someone, and the next day they will be the strong one for you. I’m sending you lots of healing love and a big huge hug!
LOL yes it was a funny moment. And yes it was massive! They took a picture of it once it was out. They had to break off many pieces before they could remove it, and it’s just shocking to realize what I’ve been carrying around inside me!
Thank you for the well wishes. I’m taking it easy, and it feels good. =)
Thank you Rytis. Much love right back to you. =)
That’s great you reached out to your mom like that Samantha! I know what you mean about troubling other people. Originally, I felt horrible asking my mother to take time off of work and fly 3,000 miles to stay with me–especially since it was her first time in LA and she spent most of it indoors. But I think she was happy to do it, much like your mother appreciated caring for you. Thanks so much for the well wishes. I hope you’re feeling better as well!
Thanks so much Susie! I wouldn’t want you to have to worry, but I’m so touched and grateful that you thought of me. =)
That’s wonderful to know Maggie, that my blogs help you in that way! I am indeed healing well, slowly but surely. Much love to you as well. =)
Thank you Linda! I wish I could accept that hug and give you one right back! =)
Thanks so much! They did help quite a bit. I know the nurse thought I was a little nuts when I asked her to hand me my laptop, but seeing the response on my post gave me such a huge boost of energy and joy! Thank you again. =)
Thanks so much Samir. I appreciate the positive thoughts!
Thanks so much Kantan! I’m so glad this is behind me and now I can move forward, a little healthier and wiser. =)
Thank you Todd! Running the site really brings me so much joy. Thank you for being part of the community here. =)
Thank you so much!
Thanks so much Amanda. I always think of you when I open up to receiving!
That’s awesome your friend felt comfortable enough to tell you that. I know I haven’t always been a great friend, and I’ve realized over these past few years that I needed to find a balance between taking care of myself and leaning on other people.
That’s a great point about social media. It’s interesting because a big part of my writing centers around authenticity and connection; and I can see over the past three years how I’ve gradually become more authentic and begun connecting more fully.
Thank you for the encouragement. =)
Glad you’re on the upswing. I was so taken by all the comments and beautiful tributes to you. Isn’t it so wonderful and uplifting to KNOW you are making such a huge difference in people’s lives!! I think to myself how I wish for a teeny tiny percent of the impact you clearly make upon so many through your website/blog. How many can say they see so clearly the good they’re doing for others – such a gift to know in one’s lifetime.
This from today’s DailyOm: “There are so many ways to incorporate touch in our daily lives, one of the easiest being a heartfelt embrace. Just making a point to hug someone on a daily basis and really feel our energy pass between each other can strengthen the
bonds that keep us together. Hugs help us heal any hurt or upset we may have
recently experienced by letting us release into the moment of the embrace and
realize that no matter what happens to us, we have someone in our lives who
supports and cares for us.” http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2012/32802.htmlI am glad to see you had your arms up for the hug. Of all many things I DO miss in my solitude, I believe the greatest is personal touch. Today’s blog entries (another at flickspire.com’s site, “Seven Wonders of the World”) are serving to remind me of that dearth. Happy Healing, Lori.
My pleasure. I love your site and I curate your content often at toddlohenry.com. I hope you enjoy the reference links and the access to my readers…
Sending you positive thoughts a plenty! Hope you feel better soon.
I’m fiercely independent myself. I understand how difficult it is to be the love-recipient, advice-taker instead of always having it together & figured out! Sometimes it’s a nice feeling to let go and be goddamn greedy for love! Here’s some 🙂
Love your blog, it’s my pocketful of sunshine!
Thanks.
Thank you for always sharing your insightful wisdom. THe older I get the more clear the reason we are here becomes!
Hoping you are feeling a little stronger with each passing day Lori.
Thanks for the links Mark! There’s nothing like a good long hug. =) May I ask: Why are you in solitude?
Thanks so much Sashabla! I do feel like I’m getting a little stronger every day, mentally and physically. Sending lots of love to you. =)
I have a life to match yours in climbing from the depths, as it were. Social interaction where I currently live is minimal and personal space just hasn’t yet broadened enough to offer the spare room. I have a many-chambered heart, still undergoing renovation.
Another wonderful and meaningful message Lori. Thank you and so glad you are doing well!
Thanks so much. I am indeed doing well. =)
Thanks so much Shagun! I love that you referred to the site as your pocketful of sunshine. I love that song. Happy Monday =)