Hi, I’m RAN..

This is the first time i wrote something in a public forums. so Yeay!! haha.

i have story, about a girl… well where’s should i start?

how about when i first met her, it was 2008.

She’s one of my classmate in college, i’m a girl.. by that time i’m not interested with a girl. well some said college is the time you to explore right? but in that time – nope, i’m not.

I was in the serious long terms relationship with this Guy, when i was young  i was on of  a girl who wanted to married in young age. Well, after almost 2,5 years im with this Guy. there she is coming to my life.. we never introduce our self properly. well but after few hours i talk to her, my heart started to get pump, you know how it feels if you super anxious but in good way, like you forget how to breathe a bit. Yes, i felt it.

at first, i really don’t understand what happen, i don’t. trying to figure it out by my self back then because i dont know who to tell.

Everytime i met her, i became so nervous, clumsy, and my heart just wont stop playing heavy metal drumming… after 2 weeks, i call my friends and tell my story about her.

i tell her i think i like a girl named Nanda. my friends was surprise and well thought it will pass.

well it didn’t. i encourage my self to tell Nanda at first she looks surprised, a little bit mad i guess. and she didnt respond of it.

long short story, i met her again later that week. We were having drinks with couple of friends.

that night, i guess she was too drunk, and kissed me. it was the best night.

then we start the on and off relationship, for almost 5 years.

i broke up with boyfriends, well i caught him cheating. and i’m still with her even though she always having the other party around.. but i just never get mad at her. how can i mad.. my heart just loves her so much it wont stop jumping when im with her.

after alot of freakin drama.. one day we decide to living together for almost 2 year. it was really something i am dreaming of. until we’re talk about our separation. She can’t be with me because of her parents will not approved same sex relationship. It was the day that my heart just broken.. really broken.

she went away to USA, get married.

i’m happy for her, honestly i’m happy for her. She have someone to love her and take care of her for all her life.  She always text me almost everyday, sometimes we still call, i sometimes wish or wondering maybe someday i can be with her, maybe in another life ahha..

one day she gets pregnant, i’m super happy- really happy for her and her husband. I promise my self i will love her son like my own, we keep catching sometimes – i’m moving on and stop try to stop my feeling for her, my hope for her..

I went with this other person, for almost 3 years then we broke up just early this year. i will tell this sad story in another thread haha. Nanda tell me she will get back to Indonesia, i feeling so nervous, im affraid because of how i might feel to meet her again after 4 years.

then she arrived, we decide to meet up in public place with other friends.

This is exactly what i remember, first time i enter the door, i saw her from behind talking with my friends,

her short hair, her voice laughing.

i hug her, and she saw my face and hug me back.

that feelings, even her smells still the same.

i almost cry that time. how i misses her. end up that night she hold my hands, and give a kiss goodbye.

she kiss me, and i just freeze, my heart just stop.

the next day, i bailed i didnt met her.. she just dont stop texting me.

not talking about what happen last night, the kiss.. i know it’s just a kiss so what. but you should understand she was my first love, and now she’s a mother.

so i met her again before she go back to US.. short story, she was so bumped because it’s so little time i can met her. she just so sad, and can’t in public place, so i asked her to go to my place, just talking.

i kept my distance, im affraid i will do things to her, i do respect her and her family.

She was crying, telling me how her feeling for me after all this years..

i thought i was crazy enough to have the feeling like that t her, for almost 10 years now.

i thought i just being so creepy having the feeling like that, though she cheated over me or leave me several times.  i thought i was over dramatize every things.

but it’s not, she also feels the same.

i do not know how to react after all, i do loves her i dont know until when. but i can’t ruins her life just because of our feelings turn out mutual.

so i just hug her, and take her back to her husband.

way back to drive her home, she kept holding my hands, like dont want me go.

we kissed and i turn my back and go.

let’s see in another 10 years, will this feeling be the same.

i just let her know, just let’s see i will ask her to be marry with me.

i know it’s silly. but how many times you will feel like this. i only know i can be like this only with her.

is this a true love?

or it’s just another crazy imagination of mine.

sincerely, RAN.