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Anxiety in a Good Relationship

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  • #211203
    Servio
    Participant

    Hello!

    A little about me:

    I am 34 years old, I come from a stable and loving family, I’m the oldest of three brothers, I live alone and have good and healthy relationships with my family and friends.

    I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and it has been an excelent relationship. We have great suxual intimacy, we comunicate very well, my family and friends apriciate her, she is very loving and positive person, and we have a lot of fun together.

    The problem that I have been having is that since as long as I can remember I have been having Anxiety (Intrusive Thoughts) that have been disrupting my peace of mind. Some of the thoughts that come into my mind:

    * Am I with the right person?

    * Is she enough?

    * What if someone better comes along?

    * Can I get someone better?

    * Is she attractive enough?

    * Is she smart enough?

    * She’s not at my social-economic level, I should break up.

    * Do I love her?

    * What am I doing, if I feel this way I have to break up…

    This feeling of anxiety and thoughts go on for about 20 minutes after I wake up, and then my logic kicks in and I say of course I want to be with her.

    When the anxiety first started I thought it was because I didn’t love her but when I started dating another person, the anxiety was even more severe (go figure).

    I have been going to therapy on and off, but not much has come out of it, one of the therapist said it was all on my mind and I was just scared of taking on the responsibility and commitment.

    The worst part is that I want to start a family, but I’m so confused if I go on this journey that it will get worse and I might do something like get a divorce. I just want to have peace of mind!

    I dont’t know who to talk anymore, so I came to these forum seeking answers:

    * What is causing my anxiety?

    * Is it my partner? or is it something in my mind?

    If it is my partner and if I knew that with somebody else I wouldn’t feel like these, than I would break up my relationship without doubts or regrets, because I would know that it is going to be for the best for both of us.

    Please help me! And thank you for taking your time to read and respond 🙂

    Have a great day!

    P.S. When I was broken up, and all alone I don’t feel anxious.

    #211239
    Xenia
    Participant

    Servio,

    I am in the same boat and just to want to say that I feel your pain. I am getting so tired of these thoughts. I just want to feel better. Hope you’ll get some good advice here.

    Good luck!

    #211303
    Servio
    Participant

    Xenia.

    Thank you so much for responding and for your support, I’m sorry that are you going thru this also. You said it best, this feeling of anxiety and fear is exhausting.

    Regards,

    #211355
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Servio,

    I think the anxiety, at its root, has nothing to do with your relationship or who you’re with. Usually if we’re dissatisfied with our partner, we feel irritated or bothered, or racked with guilt that we’re leading them on. But anxious? Not so much. Not unless a break up is pending and it will be messy.

    I suspect the anxiety stems from the pressure you’re putting on yourself (“must start family!”) and the fear of making a mistake. Marriage is supposed to equal being together forever, and you theoretically get one shot.

    Maybe get off your self-imposed Life Plan. Ground yourself. Take up yoga or meditation. Walk on the earth barefoot. Plant a garden. These things help ease anxiety in general.

    Best,

    Inky

     

    #211371
    Xenia
    Participant

    Servio,

    Not sure if you ever visited conscious transitions website (it helps me reading some of the articles there) but here is a quote from there:
    Anxiety can hang its hat on almost any hook. It can focus on relationships, fertility, parenting, health, the world, money, career, death. Within each of these topics, there are endless sub-topics that lure anxiety into its lair. If we’re talking about relationship anxiety, for example, the hook can be: lack of physical attraction, lack of sexual attraction, focusing in any area of perceived lack (education, intelligence, social fluency, humor, wit, height, ambition), religious differences, we never had an infatuation stage, or just a pervasive sense that the relationship is “wrong”.

    So I think Inky is right – anxiety has nothing to do with who we are with. As for me, I never had an anxiety with unavailable or distant partners because I was too busy worrying whether or not they were still there for me 🙂 Anxiety came out with a reliable and consistent guy. It’s like my inner child feels safe to come out and voice her fears and anger finally.

    I am doing a lot of journaling these days and even have some a-ha moments but the work is not over.  Guess I still have to go deep inside and uncover my issues layer after layer.

    Hang in there and write back if you want to talk.

     

    #211389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Servio:

    The first thoughts that come to your mind in the morning, the first thoughts you listed are: “Am I with the right person? Is she enough? What if someone better comes along? Can I get someone better? Is she attractive enough? Is she smart enough?”

    If your girlfriend is not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough and so on, that means that you are not good enough, doesn’t it? She sorts of reflects your value to others, doesn’t she?

    Is it that you think something like: my parents/ other people can see that she is not right, enough, good enough, smart enough and they are thinking: what is wrong with Servio for not being with the right woman who is good enough, etc.?

    Is that the thinking?

    anita

    #211473
    Servio
    Participant

    Hello Inki.

    Thank you for taking the time to give me advice, my responses are in bold…

    I think the anxiety, at its root, has nothing to do with your relationship or who you’re with. Usually if we’re dissatisfied with our partner, we feel irritated or bothered, or racked with guilt that we’re leading them on. But anxious? Not so much. Not unless a break up is pending and it will be messy.

    I suspect the anxiety stems from the pressure you’re putting on yourself (“must start family!”) and the fear of making a mistake. Marriage is supposed to equal being together forever, and you theoretically get one shot.

    Maybe, the therapist told me that because of the size of the decision (getting married) it’s intense. When I broke up with my former girlfriend, I wasn’t prepared to get into a serious relationship so quickly, I didn’t take it seriously, it evolved like that without me wanting to.

    Maybe get off your self-imposed Life Plan. Ground yourself. Take up yoga or meditation. Walk on the earth barefoot. Plant a garden. These things help ease anxiety in general.

    I have been thinking about taking up yoga, running helps, but you know what has helped me the most? Reducing Social Media,  it made my mind go crazy because I was comparing my girl with other women and seeing things that she didn’t have.

    Kind Regards!!

    #211475
    Servio
    Participant

    Xenia.

    Hello again:

    I also believe that anxiety doesn’t discriminate who you are with, what I think it does it makes the flaws you see in your partner (and they are things that you believe are flaws, may other people don’t see it) confuse and trick you into believing that because of that, you have to break up.

    I wish someone that has been in a similar situation as us, would tell us if after they broke up with a person because of the anxiety, they feel the same thing with the next person?  The answer to this question would clear up so many things for me…

    From your post I understand that you have had a couple of relationships where you feel the same way, have yo ended the relationships because of the feeling of anxiety?

    Regards!

    #211479
    Servio
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for responding and for your insight.

    Yes, when we started dating I was embarrassed to take her to my parents because I felt they wouldn’t approve of me having a relationship with her, and I was right. My mother made some comments to me, that made me feel that she wasn’t enough for me, I asure you that some of my insecurity and anxiety comes from me thinking that people think she’s not enough for me. I don’t know, It just that my parents opinion matter a lot to me, and you feel like your disappointing them in some way. Not a fun feeling to have!

    Regards,

     

    Servio

     

    #211481
    Derek
    Participant

    Servio,

    Thank you for this post. I have been distraught this week with intrusive thoughts and it really is the worst most tiring feeling in the world. All the doubts you list, the fears you mention…I have them too. I am trying EVERYTHING to get through this and I’m so so tired of it I don’t know how much more fight I have.

     

    What I would say is what I am discovering…anxiety is rooted in fear. That fear comes from somewhere in the past. The part about your Mother resonates with me. How dare she make a judgement on someone you love. That for me is crossing a boundary.

     

    Feelings too are are rooted in the past. For example, growing up in a very unstable home, I never knew if I was good enough. I had to succeed to be loved, usually by achieving high grades etc. Relationships can’t be graded. So what do I do now that I need to understand that my relationship is ok? I panic. I doubt. I let fear lead me. Take me down a dark path of intrusive thoughts ESPECIALLY when I wake up.

     

    I also am learning to not listen to feelings so much. Growing up I learnt that I didn’t have that love. So, my brain is wired to learn that love = pain. So now I have someone who does love me unconditionally, who is always there for me and who is stable, my old wounds and fears trigger and I feel pain. When you grow up needing something (approval of others for example) then we find what we need (in the form of a relationship) that’s when GRIEF begins. It’s like we shed a part of us. The hurt, the pain, THE UNCONSCIOUS PART OF US. So there are things that despite your happy childhood will have been ingrained in your brain. The good thing is your unlearning it. Feelings are rooted in the past. Following your feelings in my eyes, is bad advice. I learned the above watching Dr Pat Love. She says:

    ”Feel the feelings, do the right thing! Feel the feelings, stay in the relationship.”

     

    I wholeheartedly wish you the best. Thank you for sharing.

    #211605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Servio:

    You wrote: “I was embarrassed to take her to my parents because I felt they wouldn’t approve of me having a relationship with her”

    Notice that you were embarrassed, that is, ashamed to present your parents with a choice you have made. The shame was there before they met her because they disapproved of other choices you had made before, during your childhood, correct?

    You wrote: “My mother made some comments to me… she (girlfriend) wasn’t enough for me…my parents opinion matter to me, and you feel like you’re disappointing them”

    As children, and as adult children, our parents’ opinion is almost … our own. Your parents’ opinion that your ability to choose wisely is inadequate is reason enough for the anxiety in general. Your mother’s opinion that your girlfriend is not a wise choice for you is reason enough for your Anxiety in a Good Relationship (title of your thread).

    Clearly, your girlfriend is not enough for your mother. But is she enough for you? My answer to my question is: reads to me that she is enough for you if you … become less your mother/ parents and more and more you.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #211713
    Xenia
    Participant

    Servio,

    You said: “From your post I understand that you have had a couple of relationships where you feel the same way, have yo ended the relationships because of the feeling of anxiety?”. You misunderstood. That’s the first time I am experiencing this – which, according to my therapist, means that I am finally in a secure and safe relationship. And this relationship stirred up all the issues on the inside (abandonment being the main one).

    Sorry I can’t give you the answer you are looking for – I don’t know how it feels if and when one breaks up because of the anxiety issues. Guess we have to live our questions and let life unfold. Easier said than done. One day at a time – this is how I am pushing through right now. Cheers and stay strong, my friend.

     

    #211715
    Xenia
    Participant

    Something else I want to share with you, Servio, and others who are suffering right now. I came to my therapist this morning feeling pretty low and anxious and soooo very tired from this roller coaster emotional ride. I brought in my journal which is half full at this point, I opened it in front of her and said half angrily and half in despair “So how can this relationship or this man be good for me if it causes me so much pain??! There are people out there who meet each other and everything goes smoothly. I am sure they don’t spend their days writing about their relationships! They are just living their lives and enjoying it! How come I am the one who has to work so hard and suffer??!”. She listened to me and told me that she is seeing at least 5 other people who are going through the exact same thing right now. And it only means something great wants to come out and I would learn something and grow in the process. And that I am not doing it for him or for the relationship but for me. If I stick with it and push through the pain, it will get better and I will have something wonderful at the end.

    I left her feeling much better so maybe this will help you too.

    I know I will have my bad days and I will feel worse and better and worse again before it completely goes away but I am making this commitment to myself for myself. Wish me luck, strength and patience. You guys know how unbelievably hard this is…

    #211939
    Derek
    Participant

    Xenia,

    Thank you so much for sharing that. It resonated so much with me. The JOURNAL. My journal drives me insane but calms me at te same time. Actually I have struggled to write it recently.

     

    I felt hope reading your message. I do believe the anxiety surges because it is an important relationship to us and because we have inner work to do, to heal the pain!

     

    Wishing you such such strength and joy. You deserve it!!!

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