Home→Forums→Relationships→I broke up with my soul mate and it's hurting us both
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June 2, 2018 at 10:56 pm #210509
limboladyParticipantI had been dating my ex boyfriend for just over a year.. I had constant doubts in the relationship but I wasn’t entirely sure why. There were a lot of regflags but in all honesty a lot of his issues I have to some degree too so part of our connection was that we could empathise with each other and tell each other everything we felt when we felt overwhelmed by life.
He had a big anger problem which interfered with his work and his family relationships he could break things and throw things ( which I do too ) but mine was slightly more in control I can keep it together at work. Just about. (I’ve quit my job from stress because I struggled to actually perform well)
We laughed together were creative together supported each other and loved each other.but I felt that we had a different attitude to alcohol. I am afraid of slipping into using alcohol too much when I feel low. even though Ive never drank a lot and I knew he did use alcohol to feel better. he told me he would cut down but he drinking level would creep up again. we were both prone to feeling overwhelmed by our emotions ,feeling anxious and low. he was very insecure and I felt I was losing myself because he wanted me to spend all my time with him we didnt have a weekend apart and i spent most nights at his. when I was with him he wanted almost constant contact.. i enjoyed the cuddles they felt calming but I felt sometimes he was physically directing me to sit here or there or hug him etc..
He was aware of his tendency to try to control our time together and he tried to be aware of it he didn’t want to push me away.. He tried SO hard to be the perfect boyfriend.. I should have communicated more about how I felt but I didn’t want to upset him as he got quite upset.
When we broke up he violently selfed harmed and now I have been no contact in case it triggers him again… I’m so sad and I know he is so sad and hurting so badly.. I wish I’d been stronger. I don’t know if he will ever be ok and I feel I lost my chance with someone who understood me to my core. I love him and im scared of what happens to him now, he has no work now and last I heard he was being evicted I want to be there for him but he can’t tolerate my contact even though he wants me to contact him.
We are both a bit of a mess but together maybe we could have made a good life supporting each other.. I am plagued by doubts that maybe I should have stayed and we could have salvaged our lives together.
June 3, 2018 at 4:18 am #210531
AnonymousGuestDear limbolady”
In your February thread you wrote: “I was a slow starter in relationships due to fear of being stuck in a relationship I couldn’t escape”.
I think that it is this very fear that drove you to end your “first proper relationship”.
This is my understanding: you were indeed stuck in a relationship you couldn’t escape, and that was at home, you as a child stuck in the relationship/s with a parent or both parents.
Your first proper relationship, as you called it, happened in your mid thirties. You finally gave that a shot. Only you were and are afraid of being in the same situation you were in as a child. Your fear was not caused by your boyfriend. It is not his imperfections that caused your fear. He tried hard, as you wrote. It was possible for the two of you to make this relationship work.
It is that fear, a fear that predates him by far, has nothing to do with him and has everything to do with your childhood experience.
If you would like, we can communicate more about this relationship that you are sharing about. Before we do, would you like to give me feedback on what I wrote so far on this post?
anita
June 3, 2018 at 6:11 am #210545
InkyParticipantHi limbolady,
I know it’s hard, but contacting him will only make the situation worse. If you are indeed a trigger for him to self-harm, AND he’s being evicted… it sounds like he has demons. Demons that he needs to conquer alone. And with a good therapist.
Be Strong,
Inky
June 3, 2018 at 11:22 am #210599limboladyParticipantThank you both for replying, I don’t know where my fear of making a bad choice in a relationship stems from. I don’t think I’m a perfectionist or that my standards are too high.. but maybe they are I don’t know. I do tend to avoid conflict which means I don’t speak up fully if I’m not happy with something but then I guess the frustration comes out all at once. I dont remember feeling stuck in a relationship with my parents, my mum and I had a difficult and quite distant relationship my Dad is sensitive and quiet and also doesn’t have confidence. I guess it was quite an authoritative household in that children were expected to have their will broken to the parents.
I feel that it was my ex’s way of socialising that I felt I didn’t fit, we might have looked like a typical good girl bad boy relationship from the outside. i didnt judge his anger, I understood it came from pain. I excused it at the time but maybe it was building up in the back of my mind. There was a constant narrative in my head that I needed to end the relationship which plagued me.. sometimes I couldn’t enjoy the moment because I was so caught up with not feeling right.
When I think about getting back with my ex I feel panicked again. I don’t know what it is.
June 4, 2018 at 5:39 am #210641AnonymousGuestDear limbolady:
This is what you shared about your experience as a child with your mother: “my mum and I had a difficult and quite distant relationship”- a child needs an easy relationship with her mother, not a difficult one. She needs a close relationship with her mother, not a distant one. For a child, a difficult and distant relationship with her mother is a painful experience.
This is what you shared about your experience as a child with your father: “my Dad is sensitive and quiet and also doesn’t have confidence”- this may mean that as a child you had to be careful to not hurt his feelings by something you say (?), that you were anxious having a father who didn’t appear strong. A child needs parents who appear strong and capable, so to know she is well taken care of.
You also wrote: “it was quite an authoritarian household in that children were expected to have their will broken to the parents”.
You wrote: “I don’t know where my fear of making a bad choice in a relationship stems from”- probably it stems from your bad relationships with your parents. Children naturally feel that it is all their fault, whatever the problem. Maybe you believed that you did something wrong, said something wrong then. Fast forward to the present, you still fear of saying or doing that something-wrong.
You wrote: “There was a constant narrative in my head that I needed to end the relationship… I was so caught up with not feeling right”- I think you were re-experiencing your childhood, the felt-danger you experienced then, the fear of then.
Often adult children block best they can memories of fear and panic from childhood and re-experience it in adulthood in context of romantic relationships.
anita
June 4, 2018 at 12:59 pm #210751limboladyParticipantThank you for taking the time to reply.. I hope someone is supporting you as much as you are giving out support to so many others!
I have realised all I can do now in my situation is accept my part in the pain I caused my ex.
It wasn’t fair of me to carry the relationship on with such doubts.. I also know that as good as the relationship was there were certain unhealthy elements to it. We both need to work on our own issues.
Thank you for your advice.. May life bring us all love. X
June 4, 2018 at 1:11 pm #210755AnonymousGuestDear limbolady:
You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me. I would be glad to read from you again anytime.
anita
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