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Friendship Advice

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  • May 31, 2018 at 9:07 am #210209
    Ramona
    Participant

    Hello! I am new to the Tiny Buddha Community and had a question about friendship.

    I had a disagreement with a friend and on two different occasions when we’ve tried to talk about it we cannot get passed each others point of you to make a mends. Initially my standpoint after the initial conflict was to remove myself from the situation, this resulted in us not talking for weeks. Mutual friends tried to get us to talk and the friend I had conflict with told them she was not going to kiss my ass. The first time we tried to talk about it, she told me that I contributed to negativity by prolonging situations and then she reached out again and asked me if I wanted to meet up and talk after 2-3 weeks of not talking. So I told her I was not ready to meet face to face because I felt vulnerable and did not want to be misunderstood. This resulted in another session of going back and forth where she ultimately said I was an exhausting friend that was hard to love and that ultimately she was not sign my feelings didn’t matter but in the grand scheme of things  what happened was a misunderstanding. I did not respond because I felt hurt and misunderstood but I would like to have closure with her. What should I do?

    May 31, 2018 at 12:32 pm #210239
    Amy
    Participant

    Hi Ramona!

    I’m so sorry to hear about your falling out and especially to hear that your former friend said such cruel things to you.  Saying to you that you are “an exhausting friend” and that you are “hard to love” goes above and beyond mere conflict– this is abusive language and makes it very evident that she is willing to try to cut you down on a human level and denigrate your character after having any sort of disagreement.  This is stooping incredibly low and attempt to attack who you are as a human.  This is absolutely red flag behavior that should not be ignored.  A friend who truly cares about you and your well-being would not stoop to such behavior as this.

    Good for you that you have not responded to her and I understand that you’d like some closure to the situation.  Unfortunately, you may not be able to get it in this case, or at least maybe not in the way you’d like to.

    She sounds like a very volatile and unstable person who tries to blame other people in order to not take responsibility for herself.  Unless and until she is able to calmly acknowledge how she acted unkindly towards you in the face of conflict or accept any sort of responsibility for dragging this situation out, your best bet might be to continue to disengage with her and move on.  It sounds like you’ve been slowly following your intuition in order to not allow her to damage you any further and this is likely the best step!

    I hope this is helpful!

    Amy

    May 31, 2018 at 12:36 pm #210241
    Amy
    Participant

    P.S.

    I’d like to add also that it was incredibly brave of you to state your clear need and boundary that you were feeling vulnerable and afraid of being misunderstood.  To be able to voice your boundaries and needs in a relationship (romantic and friendship) is one of the clearest signs of a healthy relationship and can often be hard to be so open and vulnerable.  So for her to follow up to your display of courage and vulnerability with such hatred and cruel language is especially cause for concern.

    June 1, 2018 at 2:37 am #210305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ramona:

    There was a disagreement between you and your friend, a conflict. You removed yourself from the situation, you wrote, and the two of you didn’t talk for 2-3 weeks. It is she who reached out to you more than once, “she reached out again and asked me if I wanted to meet up and talk”.

    Your rejected her more recent initiative, “not ready to meet face to face because I felt vulnerable and did not want to be misunderstood”.

    You did not feel comfortable to meet her face to face. Did you suggest to communicate with her not face to face, online perhaps, for the purpose of resolving the conflict?

    If you didn’t suggest it, then you rejected her efforts to resolve the conflict.

    If there is a history between the two of you where she was disrespectful to you, argumentative, being unreasonable, then  I understand your reluctance to meet with her face to face and your discomfort in communicating with her in any way.

    Has there been such a history?

    anita

     

     

    June 1, 2018 at 4:55 am #210311
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ramona,

    The best way to not be abused by your friend is to not be around her. Of course, she is used to getting away with abusive and quasi-abusive behavior towards you. So what happens when you (finally!) meet up is that she’s saved it all for you: You are suddenly “exhausting” and “hard to love”. How dare you say that you don’t want to meet up because you felt vulnerable and didn’t want to be misunderstood! You monster! *sarcasm*

    You did the right thing. Replace this abusive friend with three new good ones. Only YOU can give yourself closure. You can do this by not being around her and by surrounding yourself with people who are better to you (this won’t be difficult).

    Best,

    Inky

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