I neglected to mention that 4 months ago, when I told him I needed to know everything that had happened with the ex-girlfriend, he admitted that he’d kissed her, though he insisted at least twice that he’d not even touched her, and one additional time that he’d only hugged her. He says that he’s reluctant to be open with me because I react so quickly when I feel I’ve been wronged. I admit that I’m quick to take action and cut things and people off. I deal with frustration and repeated disappointment by removing myself from the situation or other person.  (After finding out about lies to me in the past 2 years and secrets about his past before we met, I feel like I am not making a rash decision, but protecting myself and removing myself from an unhealthy pattern of deceit.) After the first break up, the following day, I realized that I had overreacted (medication for my illness affected my personality in a bad way) and asked him if he’d be willing to go to counseling. He said no, that he didn’t think counseling would be helpful, which I felt devastated to hear.

I feel like I’ve given him so many opportunities to demonstrate he is transparent and honest…all he had to do was tell the truth. I become more upset each time because I have made it explicitly clear that I need and want complete honesty and not only has be done things that anyone in a relationship would be upset with, he’s lied and doesn’t come clean about what has occurred until he’s confronted (other than the DUI situation–I’d have found out when I move back if he hadn’t told me before). I feel like we should’ve gone to counseling after our first break up when I still had quite a bit of trust in him…now my trust in him is almost non-existent after additional lies and his DUI disclosure. I’m tired of getting the truth revealed to me in little bits and pieces over months or years, and then I still wonder if it is the entire truth.

I’m happy for him that finally he’s committed to reducing his alcohol use and getting help in his attempt to make positive changes in his life. I’m afraid that it may be too late to save our relationship, no matter how compatible we are and enjoy each other’s company and have common interests. I feel somewhat sad that he could be very happy with another woman instead of me in the future, after he’s gone through self-improvement, but I’m not sure if I should go through counseling with him if I’ve lost so much trust and if I feel so disgusted about physical intimacy, in addition to feeling like I would be holding him back due to my illness.

Thank you, Airene and Mark. You both are right. His latest efforts are too little, too late. He needed to be willing to go to couples counseling after the first time he betrayed me, after our first reconciliation.

I just don’t want it to be true that there’s no hope after all the enjoyable things we’ve done together and ways he has been supportive and loving to me. I’m tired of failed relationships and am not ready to resign to another failed one, because it’s the last one, though I will.

Hello Anita,

He is a determined type of person who tries everything he can to keep his word and make things right. We did intend to marry and he still wants to if we can work things out. That would be very far off, but he wants the opportunity to make concerted effort toward a successful relationship. I believe he is sincere about this. The things he lies about are shameful things, or things he thinks would hurt my feelings, that he doesn’t want to admit. I’m afraid of trying and failing but it either way it goes, I figure counseling could be only helpful for both of us.

Thank you,

Liz8

Thank you, Anita.

I hope for those things, too. Last night I was prepared to tell him it’s over; all I was willing to be is his friend. I couldn’t do it. Though I’m not certain if I still want to marry him some day in the far-off future, I am certain that I’m not ready to be (and would not be content with being) strictly friends.

I appreciate your insight and wisdom.

Liz8