Hey All,

I am new to all this, but after reading through several forum topics, the advice from you all seems so kind and up front, right now this is what i need.

I suffer horribly from retroactive jealousy. I am so ashamed and embarrassed of who i have become, how i have allowed it to dictate every thought and feeling, and has completely broken down my relationship. I really need some home truths guys, to just get a grip on my life again.

I will give you a little background story (its complex, this i apologies for)

I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, it was horrible and some of the worse years of my life. i grew up in all kinds of abuse, so i told myself this was normal to my understanding of what love is. i was only with him for 6 months until i fell pregnant. i broke it off, but allowed him to latch on and dictate my life for 3 years out of fear of being alone. I have no family or a pool of friends to turn to during this time.

I set up my own independent project mid 2016 with a man i met at a workshop. This older man (lets call him Jason, he is 50) became very flirtatious, and even suggestive towards me. But he was a friend, i always battered it off, he always spoke of woman as conquests, told me how he had many. It sounds worse that what it was, he was very kind, a lot of what he said i pinned down to a deep rooted insecurity he had within himself, everything he ever said regarding woman, his number of woman, they just all seem fabricated to me. He was no silver fox. Maybe i was being shallow, but i just couldn’t see it being true. However, i liked the attention, and i wanted desperately to escape my ex. So we hung out, went on the odd date, shared a kiss. If i was honest, back then i felt so embarrassed by my actions, i was scared to hurt his feelings, but he seemed to be this way with every woman, i honestly thought nothing of myself. I very quickly got into a relationship with someone else we brought on board with our project (lets call him Kyle) I was absolutely petrified my ex would find out, and for some reason he too wanted to keep it a secret.. so we did. It was one big secret.

I still continued to hang out with Jason, we would write together for our project so saw a lot of each other. Always flirty, it made me uncomfortable at times, I got use to his way after a few months so it quickly became the norm. He left for a holiday late December in 2016. Before he left he asked me if i loved him, as a friend, lover or father. I thought this was a joke, i was in a secret relationship, i didn’t want to hurt his feelings, i did love him, but i didn’t want to be exclusive or date him. so i said i loved him as a crazy mixture as the 3 and laughed it off. He asked to take me on a date when he got back, i just said sure we can hang out and left it there.

meanwhile, the obsession from my ex partner and current relationship with Kyle was taking its toll. It was becoming harder and harder to keep everything a secret. I would ask my partner if we could start to tell people, be he refused, he would say it was too risky, made me delete every conversation we had. I began to grow suspicious.

Jason came back at the beginning of 2017. We got back into the swing of things with work and writing. I asked him of his time away, he didn’t say a whole lot, only that he slept with someone else whilst he was away. I honestly felt nothing abut this at the time, i had no right to really. I laughed it of with him, he met her out there, hung out, he paid everything for her pretty much, on the last night slept together (it sounds an awful lot like she was a prostitute, and that this was something she did with a lot of men)

A month later, i fell pregnant with Kyles baby (i was on contraception and well protected) so it was a massive shock. I was so scared. I told Kyle straight away, an that when i found out he was engaged and had a family. I crumbled. My whole world shattered. He forced me into an abortion. Promised me he was going to leave his partner, but never did. He left very shortly after.

my ex found out an began to abuse me more for what i did. i was an absolute mess and saw no way out.

At this point, i gave in to Jason’s advances and slept with him. Still, there was no commitment so i began to sleep with someone else. I was a walking disaster, ashamed and embarrassed of myself. After 3 months everything took its toll, i finally stood up to my ex and told him to never come back. i called it off with the other guy and stayed committed to Jason. He left for a work holiday for a few weeks.

i fell further and further into my BPD (borderline personality disorder) i began to loose touch with reality and who i was anymore. Jason returned, and i clung as hard as i could to him. But his ego, his persona of all these women and the one he slept with when he went away last year took its toll. i begged him to be honest, to explain if this way true to who he was or a lie. Within time, he confessed that it was all fabricated. He was so ashamed and embarrassed and felt like less of a man, but being that way was all he knew. Suddenly these 100s of women when further down and down, until he was adamant it was 10. 10 ‘conquests’. No more no less. And that even though he was always flirty and suggestive with me, and even though he said he truly loved me back then, he doubted if we would ever be together, he knew i was in a relationship with Kyle but couldn’t prove it. He felt rejected, depressed and lonely, so he slept with someone whilst out there. He was ashamed of what he did, for nearly a year i was under the impression it was a prostitute, yet now he is saying it wasn’t. (i personally think it was, he paid for her the whole holiday, whilst she shown him the sights, se was younger than him, and they were both in Thailand, this just screams prostitute to me).

here is the problem, i have become obsessively jealous of his past. I have driven myself crazy for weeks playing everything over, doubting the reality. Given everything, no i probably should have never ever gotten with him, and yes i know i have so much bigger things to focus on, and yes i feel like the most unlovable, inadequate piece of trash.

But i really need so help.. some advice. I am so broke, and so lost, never recovered form my ex.

i am so out of touch with reality, with what’s true. i am filled with so much pain and jealousy over the other woman, even though i was not official with him and had a bloody boyfriend! I am hurt he wanted to date me, told me he loved me before e left, then slept with someone else. Why would he do this? why did this happen? Please.. be as blunt as you need to be, i need some home truths and to snap out of it)

for as long as i have know him, i have know his ego.. his persona.. his façade. do i believe this? do i truly believe this he who he is, or that vulnerable scared boy who is insecure and embarrassed of his number? He has always lied, always contradicted himself, so now its become a spiral of jealousy and pain. He has bluntly told me, the women are a lie, the number for him is embarrassing low and he hates admitting or talking about it. The other woman he slept with was due to doubt, loneliness and rejection, he knew he loved me then, but never though he really had a chance, or though it be years until we ever got together, so that’s why. And that i had no right to get jealous, angry or feel cheated when i was with someone else, and even when i did sleep with him, slept with someone else whilst all the while he has stayed committed.

for a year we have dated. From the moment he slept with me until now he never ever ventured outside of me, even when in the beginning he could have. he didn’t. he has been faithful to me always.

but what do i believe? his persona, or the scared insecure boy he has told me?

do i believe he slept with this woman whilst loving me, because he was lonely and rejected, or because he did love me at all?

guys, i am sorry for this ridiculously long and complex story. I am so ashamed, so embarrassed. there is a 26 age gap between us. I am confused, lost, and alone. i just need a reality check, some home truths, an outsiders perspective on this mess and what the reality all is.

all the names you think i am and wish to call me, i will respect and understand. Because yes, i am an obsessive idiot.

Thank you for any advice you offer. and no pressure if not. i just though this was the best forum to come too.

thanks for listening