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  • May 9, 2018 at 5:32 am #206465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vanessa:

    How is your relationship with your nephew, your sister’s son and how is it affected by the bad relationship with your sister?

    If there was no issue of a relationship with your nephew, if it was just your sister, I would suggest to have no contact with her whatsoever.

    You wrote: “I have been the better person”. Unfortunately, being the better person to a .. bad person, is not a good thing. Unfortunately, it is not a good thing, this is why you are suffering.

    When a person mistreats you, misuses you, takes advantage of you, you are not being a good person for allowing her or him to do those things to you.

    Plus you don’t get points for it.

    I hope to read from you soon.

    anita

    May 9, 2018 at 5:40 am #206467
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Vanessa,

    This may be hard to believe but your sister being cruel is an indicator of GUILT. Yes, guilt. She knows very well that you took care of her son, that she owes you money, that she’s a slob and that the boyfriend doesn’t look good on paper. It eats at her that you gave her a huge blessing of insisting that she move into your home. And that she blew it. And that you had to kick her out.

    Your sister is feeling shame. She is feeling guilt. Her only defense? Act meanly to put you in your place so you two are on an equal footing at last!

    My suggestion is that you take a break from family gatherings for a year. Next year arrive late, leave early, and be surface-y polite with your sister. Hopefully by year two or three she will have another boyfriend or the bad habit of bad mouthing you in your hearing will be broken.

    As for holidays, have them at YOUR house. The sister won’t show up, and if she does, she is more likely to hold her tongue as ONCE AGAIN, she is on your turf, and will be reminded of the situation SHE put herself in. If she says something she will look really bad as you’re the host.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    May 10, 2018 at 10:01 am #206663
    Jay G.
    Participant

    Your sister’s behavior is NOT a sign of guilt, it’s a sign (several in fact) that your sister is a complete total narcissist and there is no amount of trusting, forgiving and making allowances that will cure her.  Your best bet is to be there for your nephew as he will always need a safe place to land that your sister can never provide.   Narcissists do not have relationships, they take victims.  And because this is a personality disorder, there is no cure.  When you try to make them aware of the behavior, only learn the language and skills to become better abusers.  And when you’re a spent, disheveled, used and abused heep on the floor of your apartment with a kid, 3 dogs and 2 cats, she will simply move on to the next unsuspecting victim and do it all over again, (thus the “new” boyfriend that she found within a week).  The best bet for you is to realize that she will never “get it” or become a better person.  Stop being an endless source of income, a place to stay, or reinforcement for her bad behavior.  Set boundaries and hold them firmly.  Otherwise, be prepared to live your future with her that mirrors your past.

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