Vicki,

You are staying away from this toxic man by not going back to the pub.  You still have close friends that you trust and stick by you.  You have a supportive and loving husband.

I would embrace that.  Start a daily gratitude journal and focus on the positives in your life.

Mark

Dear Vicky,

I hope you are well.  I know it may not seem like much, but I know how you feel.  The betrayal, the manipulation, the anger and the utter, utter confusion.  I don’t know anything about the man – nor would I want to quite frankly – but what I can say is he is not the proprietor of the other people’s feelings.  He neither their lawyer nor their God, and perhaps they are maintained in a carefully constructed line that he imposes… You don’t know — but it is good that you are trying to get out before he swallows you whole.

In terms of your own troubles, friends – even fair-weather ones- , should be supportive of your woes.  Your daughter had cancer; you are not complaining about something light! I am sure if ‘the boot were on the other foot’ any of them would expect extreme support.  I understand you – as I believe I am the same type of person.  We try to take on a lot to support those we love, and if we need to vent about it every so often then so be it! We are not weak or “annoying” because of this.

To answer your question, “am I really a bad person,” I would say that is neither here nor there.  I know that’s not comforting, but the question of “bad” is often constructed with a set of morals attached.  Perhaps the man thinks he is a “good” person for “telling it like he sees it.”  But if you, Vicky, consider a “good person” to be someone who tries to assimilate into her husband’s community to support him, be there hand-and-foot for her daughter to help her with a devasting crisis, and try everything she can to put her mother in the best possible situation following the passing of a loved one,  then I would say you try all you can for those you love.  I think that is pretty admirable.

I had a similar experience a year ago with some very nasty girls whom I lived with.  Though I truly tried to be passive and “let the mama bear have her way,” she manipulated the truth and swayed even my closest friends to align with her assumed fears.  Even when I tried to confront her she turned everything against me; I felt like I had no voice.  This powerless feeling is one of the worst in the world.  I understand how you want to avoid the local spots you enjoyed, and, more painfully, to give up a group of friends to pacify a malicious, and stone-cold person.  It seems even the biggest of cities are too small for the two of us… Regardless, I find that times of destruction are followed, if carefully reflected on, by reconstruction.  I know that no matter how much time I wasted being friends with that toxic person, I was able to immediately make friends and live according to my own vision of what was “good.”  And that was pretty damn freeing!  At the very least, I take comfort in the fact of knowing she could never have made those friends without me.  I gave to her, just like how you gave your best effort to the “pub” – and no matter how much someone may try to extract your energy and light, it will always come from within!

I hope this might have given you a few moments of peace,

-A