Dear Sam:

My answers to your questions:

1. “Did I do the right thing?”- assuming he is a decent man, and in the absence of quality psychotherapy to help you heal and manage your anxiety while in the relationship, you did the right thing. Ending the relationship was the only way for you to get a relief from your anxiety and to prevent him from experiencing more misery himself.

2. “Is this fear of being too close to someone something I can tackle whilst in a relationship?”- this fear can not be tackled when not in a relationship. No matter how much insight you get when single, no matter what you do when not in a relationship, the anxiety will be back once you are in a relationship. The only place you can heal from this anxiety is in a relationship while attending quality psychotherapy to help you along, at least to start you in the healing process.

3. “Is spending the next however long being single …” Like I wrote in #2 above, the anxiety will be back once you are in a relationship, no matter what you do when not in a relationship, I believe.

4. “Is it possible to lose your sense of identity whilst you’re in a relationship?”- yes, when you are so afraid to get hurt, to lose the person you are attached to, nothing matters but not losing him. We focus on perceived danger and everything else, identity, love… all become insignificant in comparison.

“If so, how do you gain it back?” – either stay single or, if you consider a relationship, attend therapy while in the relationship. Notice the choice of a man is very important: for a relationship to work for you, you need not only therapy but a man capable of a healthy, loving relationship.

If the man needs help himself, individual therapy for him, or couple therapy for the two of you, will be great.

anita