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Best friend or possible boyfriend?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • April 2, 2018 at 7:48 am #200509
    Tristan
    Participant

    Hi,

    I (27f) have been friends with my best friend (27m) for almost nine years. We met in freshman year of college and became instant best friends, currently we live in different states. We have both helped each other through school, rough relationships, and personal issues, pretty much everything even when he was overseas for a few years. I know all of his friends and he knows all of mine. My family and friends have all said that he likes me.

    Although I have identified as what now is considered pansexual I have primarly dated women. In the last 5 months I have been more interested in men and have been dating. When I first told him that I was interesting in dating men again he quickly got off the phone. He rarely wants to talk about my romantic relationships, but he completely shuts down (one word answers over the phone, seems uninterested) when I have recently talking about this new guy. When I asked him if he thought this new guy was interested, he was the only one of my friends that said no, that I should stop persuing him.
    He has been talking this girl that I introduced him to two years ago when I was in my last relationship, and I have discovered that I still may feelings for him. I was turned off from talking to him about it before due to an experience in college six years ago when he said that he saw me and our close mutual friend (that did like him) as just friends when we were all hanging out. I don’t want this to be too long (and I could give more detail) but I wanted some outside perspective.
    Thank you.

    April 2, 2018 at 10:12 am #200541
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tristan:

    From the little that you shared, reads to me that your friend is comfortable with the idea of you dating women, not men. Maybe his comfort has been with the idea that he is sort of safe from a romantic/ sexual  interest in him, on your part.

    Are  interested in dating him?

    anita

    April 2, 2018 at 12:12 pm #200553
    Tristan
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Thank you, and I definitely feel that he is not used me dating men at all. But, I am interested in dating him. I feel like we are pretty flirty with each other in general. For example when he last called I was on my way to an event and I told him I’d call him the next day. The first thing that he did was joke around about it being a bad time, since I waited until too late afternoon to call. When I apologized and said I would call him back he said he just wanted to mess with me, and then the conversation moved to another topic where he sung a romantic song to me.

    April 2, 2018 at 12:15 pm #200555
    Mark
    Participant

    Tristan,

    Since you two are in different states, that he has no interest in talking with you (shutting down) and that he does not seem mature enough to communicate about relationships (ex. you talking to a close mutual friend and his reaction), I would guess that he should stay as a friend.

    Mark

    April 2, 2018 at 12:23 pm #200559
    Tristan
    Participant

    Hi Mark, thanks!

    Although are in different states, he visits mine often for family/friends and does traveling a lot. Well other than the times when I talk about other guys, we can talk for hours, multiple times a week. The close mutual friend was at least six years ago, he has grown a lot emotionally since then, as have I.

    April 3, 2018 at 3:43 am #200641
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tristan:

    Because you are interested in dating him, you can suggest it to him. The risk is that if he is not interested and rejects your suggestion, you may feel hurt and that hurt will damage the friendship, and/or he will feel awkward and that will damage the friendship. After such rejection, even if you tell him: it’s okay, we are still friends, etc., he may be uncomfortable in the future, wondering if you are still interested in him, if you are expecting him to change his mind.

    And if he takes on your suggestion to date and then the relationship ends, there may not be a friendship to resume.

    I think there is a risk to suggesting dating to him. Maybe he already sensed that you are interested in dating him, based on some hints you gave him.. ?

    anita

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