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February 6, 2018 at 6:08 pm #191113FayeParticipant
Dear Tiny Buddha I have recently joined your website hoping I would get some light to brighten my mind. I have had dysfunctional childhood, growing up in unhealthy environment, too much probs, yelling, adults fights, neglecting, bad words.. etc.. I’m the youngest so I grew up with very low self esteem, anti social, heavy thinker, too sensitive, angry emotional kid. In my adolescence I broke free and I did everything u can think of, i was rebel, the hard working and dedicated kind of rebel who was also dedicated to studying and being perfect so I can reach my future dreams. I’m quiet, I tend to keep things to myself always, put others first and this is how I feel fulfilled. Achievements kept me fulfilled. Years on later I went through a lot and lately I lost my confidence and I’ve hit rock bottom with sequence episodes of depression. My life isn’t stable once I was successful suddenly everything burns down, things kept piling up. I’m a hard worker and always try and want to shine. Post my last break down I decided to stop giving my 100% coz everything I worked hard for I have not been the happiest person alive but I was satisfied. Fastword years passed so fast, I quit my last job and started giving fitness classes. And another breakdown post failed friendships, I’m too kind that too naive that I don’t stand up for myself when I should be standing up. I let things slide and that what put me in the worst situations….. right now, I’m physically unable to perform my fitness job, I am unable to socialize and I feel awkward in groups or crowded places, my heart quenches with pain, I cry, I wanna sleep all time, no self esteem and I keep cancelling social events bcoz I don’t want others to see my in my lowest and feel sorry for me. I lost my active spirit, my soul feels empty. I don’t know what I want anymore.. I can’t sense happiness with people, I feel better alone yet I don’t like being lonely. I don’t know how to initiate friendships I don’t know how does it feel like to start dating. I lost interest in men and dating, but I feel like I need that one friend. Not working at the moment coz my body isn’t helping me.. my focus has been shrinking and my mind doesn’t stop wandering .. I beat myself up sometimes for the things I made in the past cake as a result of unstable present. I’ve no support, I’ve seen a therapist but I don’t believe in meds. I’ve been reading and doing some yoga.. but at this very moment … I don’t know who I am, feels like I can’t recognize myself no more, I can’t find my real smile and laugh. How can I find myself again? How can I know what I want to do? What I want to be? I change my mind every other minute and the other minute I just want to pays everything and focus on my mental and body healing instead of being in a constant race! My mind think faster than my words when they come out! And oh Gosh I’ve tried so many things but my mind, heart and body just refuses everything..
February 7, 2018 at 5:12 am #191181AnonymousGuestDear Faye:
Reads to me that you were injured, naturally, in the context of your family of origin, what you indicated to have been a “dysfunctional childhood… unhealthy environment… yelling, adult fights, neglecting, bad words.. etc.”
That “too sensitive” reference to yourself is an indication, to me, that you were injured, emotionally.
But you “broke free” and with all that youthful energy you lived life with passion until you ran out of that energy and that emotional injury took over, exhausting you further.
And now, you are hurting and tired.
I think it is time to start the long process of healing. A plan of healing, is what I am thinking. If you would like to share more about your current life circumstances (are you living alone, for one), please do, for the purpose of developing such a plan.
anita
February 7, 2018 at 11:43 am #191303FayeParticipantThank you for your kind reply Anita. I am 30 yo, single, female, I live with my mother and elder brother. Sometimes I want to run away from family other times I want to be surrounded by them, but because they keep reminding me of the past, cold relationships at home, no communication, disengagement and belittling treatment.
I had big dreams or nice chances lets say but one opportunity was taken away after another, and because I have tried so hard I don’t want to try anymore, in the same time I started to envy successful people (which is none of my traits at all) but I think I have developed it because I was in a position to be envied about (social & career wise). I lost it all.. I lost all.. and I am trying to pick myself up again but the depression won’t go away. And I want to stop feeling the race inside of me and that I am running out of time. I was thinking of getting a desk job and leave fitness and other business ideas or dreams on the side, get rid of them until I am strong again on my feet and physically healed since I am suffering muscle pain and fatigue as well as depression.
February 7, 2018 at 12:44 pm #191321MarkParticipantFaye,
These repeated breakdowns sound like a pattern to be addressed. Are you seeing a professional about this?
Right now you sound like you are in deep depression. A therapist can help with this too.
Like all of us, it looks like your childhood is the root to this.
Take care,
MarkFebruary 7, 2018 at 3:09 pm #191369limboladyParticipantHello Faye
Would you consider seeing a counsellor again sometimes you need to try a couple before the right fit is found for you.
A lot of people are against medication but I can say it changed my life for the better. I was only on anti depressants for three years but they calmed my emotions just enough to enable my conscious brain to work through my issues it took time but my councillor helped me to learn to become resilient.. I felt just like you I thought I always would but things can change.. please reach out to a councillor again it sounds like your mind needs an outlet for all these emotions mixed up in you at the moment.
February 8, 2018 at 1:53 am #191415FayeParticipantHi Mark,
Thank you for your reply. I have been seeing number of counselors but to be honest in my country where I live (Bahrain) they lack the experience, they don’t talk they just tell you your diagnosis and prescribe medicines. All of what I mentioned I have concluded through reading and came to know about my condition and why it happened because I was reading alot. I cannot seem to find the right doctor in my country.
February 8, 2018 at 1:55 am #191419FayeParticipantLimbo lady,
I do have one but I haven’t seen him in a while, he keeps on changing meds for me and honestly I have been feeling worse and not better. If theres a good counsellor I don’t mind but can’t find where I live that good one who can take my emotions out.
February 8, 2018 at 5:08 am #191439AnonymousGuestDear Faye:
You tried very hard and worked hard but you didn’t stand up for yourself as you tried and worked hard, you kept operating as the child that you were, putting other people first and you last, correct?
If so, all that hard work was likely to fail you.
You wrote: “Sometimes I want to run away from family … because they keep reminding me of the past, cold relationships at home, no communication, disengagement and belittling treatment:-
You mean, your present experience at home is similar to your past experience at home, that is, the past is … still happening?
anita
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