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  • February 2, 2018 at 12:45 pm #190359
    Mark
    Participant

    I am a man and I don’t do things like that.  I am especially aware of being present and conscious with the woman who I am romantically in relationship with.  Yes, we all notice attractive wo/men.  As you noted that the difference is that he drools over the women rather than noticing and appreciating them.  This is disrespecting you and the women who he is ogling after.

    “Trying my best” and apologies are just words that won’t change behavior.  You know that for you are experiencing that with him.

    Good for you for recognizing that you are enough and been vocal to him.  How long have you been exclusive as romantic partners?  How old is he and you?  What culture did he grow up in?  Not that any of this really matters in his behavior but I am curious.

    Labelling yourself as insecure, jealous, crazy or unreasonable does not serve you in helping to resolve this for yourself.  This is your line in the sand for behavior that you cannot tolerate.  “Dealing with it” does not work in the long run for a mutually close, intimate, committed, trusting, respectful, loving relationship.

    For me there are certain behaviors that are acceptable and others are not, no matter how I would twist myself into tolerating them.  My guy friend has a background of being around drug use and intoxication so he won’t tolerate that in his relationships.

    Yes it is hard to walk away from a relationship if he is “everything but…” except for this one thing.  It is a big thing though.

    Those are my two cents,
    Mark

     

    February 2, 2018 at 1:24 pm #190371
    .
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you so much for your response.

    Demographics: We’ve been in a relationship for 6 months. I’m 22, he’s 30.

    His family history, his development is something I always consider. Hence, why I’m not mad at him. I understand where he comes from. Father passed when he was in primary, mother wasn’t around often, and his step dad was more a friend than a father figure. He’s been single for almost 4 years now and he has mentioned that no other girlfriend expressed concern. They were a bit passive in their approach about this issue.

    Labeling myself isn’t healthy but I just feel so out of character. Didn’t start dating until I turned 20. Before then I believed boys still had cooties way into high school. Kidding, kinda. Teehee. I was just focused on school and sports. Still am. I just finally found someone who I connect with so well.

    I notice him stare and blush and I when grab his attention, I communicate my disappointment with my eyes. Well enough to get through to him and he apologizes. It stops for a bit but then a new one comes along and he does it all over again. I just don’t know if this amount of effort on my part will produce a desirable outcome. I know words aren’t enough to placate my doubts, either. Am I wrong for trying to change this behavior?

    If he truly loved me, would he stop? I’m at an impasse here.

    Your two cents are much appreciated,

    E

    February 2, 2018 at 1:36 pm #190373
    Mark
    Participant

    E

    Never assume or count on that the other person is going to change or that you can “make” him to so.  Plus “if you really love me then you would do this for me” is highly manipulative.  In my experience, people who love is because the *other* accepts them for who they are, not to change themselves for the other.  If any real change is going to happen, he will have to want to do it for his own reasons and internal motivation.

    I am a student of how habits are formed and changed.  This is a habit, learned behavior.  Like any habit, it will take someone to make a concerted and prolonged effort to change.

    It’s like saying that you want to lose weight.  Occasional dieting or exercise will not change things in the long run.  Having someone nag you to do that will not make any lasting changes.

    Frankly I would find it exhausting to monitor his behavior whenever I am out with someone like him.

    Mark

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mark.
    February 2, 2018 at 1:58 pm #190381
    .
    Participant

    Mark,

    I guess that may have come off wrong. I didn’t mean it as a condition of loving me, more so wondering if he really loved me, would he so openly seek to quench his desire for other women as much. I’m questioning his method of dating in that statement, I suppose.

    I’m going to have to figure this out on my own. You’ve helped tremendously. I feel like I’ve already made my decision, I’m just so sad it’s not the one I was hoping for.

    Thank you,

    E

    February 2, 2018 at 2:07 pm #190385
    Mark
    Participant

    E,

    I know having another perspective is useful for me.  I tend to go around inside my head which does not open up other ways to view my situation.

    I apologize about the “if he loved me” response.  I did not mean that you want that as a condition of loving you.  I understood what you meant but put that part of my response in there anyway.  That was why I added why I see how people love, they want to be loved/accepted exactly who they are so they won’t have to change.

    Please consider this all part of growing in your experience and wisdom in romantic relationships.  I see each relationship as an opportunity to grow, to understand ourselves better through noticing how we react/respond to the other.  This helps more sharply define our values, what is important to us and what is not.

    You are 22 which is still very young to find/attract the right man for you.  Not surprisingly when you ask most women who are older, they tell you that they are thankful that they did not stay with the men they knew when they were your age.

    And yes, us guys still have cooties :-P.

    Mark

    February 2, 2018 at 3:08 pm #190393
    .
    Participant

    Mark,

    No worries. You were right in assuming two separate ideas. The manipulation game surely isn’t my style, nor do I expect anyone to do something for me that they don’t feel comfortable doing. I love him regardless of this behavior because well that’s how I function. Unfortunately, I can’t continue a romantic relationship if that continues. He knows this.

    Grr. My most dreaded consequence of aging. Learning to thrive off of heartache and failure. Well, unfortunately the older women I go to have dated notions regarding love and relationships (“deal with it” or  “boys will be boys”). Something I definitely do not subscribe to or take into consideration. Hence, why I am here, looking for support of some kind.

    I am young, which is why this isn’t something I can write off as life or death. I’ll just stomp my feet, throw a few profanities into the air, and try again. A modified tantrum of sorts. lol I have to discuss this issue again with SO and hope we find a solution or I’m moving on with my life.

    Ah, I knew it!

    – E

    February 3, 2018 at 12:19 am #190405
    Mark
    Participant

    E,

    I don’t mean to dis you for being young.  I not assuming that you are not smart because you are young.  I do know that life experience does mean something and the only way to get it is go out into the world and get it and for that, it takes time.

    As you know from your own interactions with some older women is that just because they are older does not mean they are wiser.

    I hope I have given you support which you have not gotten from the others in your life, i.e. the not-so-wiser older women.

    Yes, sure, go ahead…stomp your feet, swear a blue streak… I encourage such release of strong emotion.  Let me know how things go or if there is anything more I can assist you with.

    Best,
    Mark

    February 3, 2018 at 3:41 am #190411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear .:

    I don’t know if your boyfriend’s behavior really is as you described, for example, did it really happen that “he’s driving down the street and he risks our lives to get a better look at the woman in the short dress”? Or is it an exaggeration on your part?

    If he really risked your lives while driving so to get a better look at a woman in a short dress then you should never ride with him, never be his passenger and highly recommend that he sees a medical doctor ASAP so to prescribe some drug that will allow him to drive safely.

    If when seeing an attractive woman his facial expression changes, an automatic reaction, well, that is not his choosing. But if he says something to her, flirts with her, that is his choosing, and a behavior that is understandably offensive to you.

    So which is it that troubles you so, is it his automatic (and not dangerous) reactions that you observe or assume he is experiencing or is it his chosen reactions that are dangerous and/ or disrespectful to you?

    anita

     

    February 3, 2018 at 12:41 pm #190513
    .
    Participant

    Anita,

    I guess my choice of words haven’t been quite acceptable given the context of my message and the forum by which I’m choosing to share my thoughts. I speak and write in hyperbole. The exaggeration comes from a place of frustration.

    He’s done it on separate occasions. One in which he was so distracted he almost hit the stopped car in front of us. The shock led him to admit he was looking at the woman. He apologized but my irritation intensified. This was recent. Hence, why Ive written this post out.

    It troubles me that, like Mark mentioned above, there’s no real focus on his part. He forgets I’m there. He deliberately and almost without shame stares directly in the direction of any woman that we face. His passes at me, then look forced. The stuttering, the blushing, the blatant inability to listen or focus on me isn’t automatic anymore. He begins to speak louder, laughs louder at lame jokes I spew, or says something “funny” and looks to see if the other woman heard. It isn’t his male nature at that point. It’s the behavior of a bachelor.

    It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve done my part. It ended. I’m just living and learning.

    Thanks so much for your response.

    E

    February 4, 2018 at 4:59 am #190571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear .:

    You are welcome. So you were not exaggerating, he really did risk your life because of looking at a woman while driving. The behavior you described is… well, dangerous and unusual, reads to me. Too much excitement over seeing attractive women, as if he is new to all this, as if he was trapped in an all-boys island for a lifetime  and has  just ventured, for the first time, into a world with women in it.

    anita

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