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Anger Towards Loved One

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  • January 21, 2018 at 9:07 am #187889
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stephania:

    Like you wrote, “Being sad is OK, being angry is OK”. We feel what we feel, and whatever it is that we feel is okay to feel.

    How we act needs to be a result not only of how we feel but what we think, what we value. I value acting assertively and not harming myself and others, so when I feel angry, I think: what will be the responsible action to follow, if any. Is there something I need to say or do so to assert myself, to solve a problem, to try and help another?

    He needs to be responsible for the ways he expresses his feelings and so do you. You can talk with him about such expressions, and about alternatives.

    Trying to make him happy, or expecting him to feel happy is ineffective, doesn’t work for anyone’s advantage. Remember, it is okay for him too, to feel anything he feels, including feeling unhappy in your company, with you in his life.

    Things as they have been in your life with him need to change, I believe.

    anita

     

    January 22, 2018 at 11:20 am #188123
    Mark
    Participant

    I agree with Anita.  Yes you like to see people happy but are you?  Do you feel responsible to make him happy?  Do you love yourself enough to take care of your happiness first?

    It does not sound like he is getting help (medication, therapy) to deal with his bipolar/depression.  He is putting the burden of his behavior on you.

    Regardless if the disease is talking (the way he talks to and treats you poorly) or not, the bottom line is that you are living a life that tolerates behavior that makes you unhappy.

    I have reconciled that for some people I can love from a distance.  I don’t have to be in their lives in order love them.

    Mark

    January 22, 2018 at 11:53 am #188127
    Stephania
    Participant

    Thank you Mark and Anita. Sometimes we know what’s going on and he have a gut feeling but we get lost in confusions specially if emotionally involved, because pain and fear are on the way and that’s a difficult battle I have, besides uncertainty.

    I needed both your answers and it helps me being clearheaded. Thank you SO much, again.

    Steph.

     

    January 23, 2018 at 4:50 am #188271
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stephania:

    You are welcome. A key sentence in your original post is: “I also feel I’ve been set up for failure”.

    If living with this man is too difficult for you, is distressing to you on an ongoing basis, again and again, and there is no correcting going on (he attending psychotherapy so to… even out that “chemical imbalance” he believes he suffers from, and/ or the two of you attending couple psychotherapy), then it is better to no longer live together.

    As I wrote in my last post to you, things need to change. One of you moving out may be the thing that needs to be done.

    anita

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