Itching for a more emotional and romantic connection.

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by dreaming715.

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January 8, 2018 at 10:32 pm #185703

modalsoul
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a little over five months now. We are doing long distance since I moved for college and he is my first relationship. He has been my friend for a few years and we’ve always had feelings for each other at different times and for the first time, we addressed it and decided to try things out.

Things have been pretty good for the most part. He is patient, funny, and one of the few guys I feel most comfortable around. However, sometimes, I feel like he isn’t emotionally and romantically invested in the relationship. He isn’t a very emotional person to begin with and I’m the exact opposite. I love to talk to him about everything, plan dates, and think of creative things to do together to keep things interesting. I think sometimes I wish he can be more open with me and put in a little more effort to be spontaneous, too.

I’ve addressed this to him before because I want to be more honest to him and myself. But whenever I bring this up, he doesn’t know how to respond to how I feel, or doesn’t know how to feel in general. And if he does respond, it’s only when I’m absolutely heartbroken or crying about something.

I sometimes tell myself my doubts might be due to the fact that it’s my first relationship – and long distance on top of that. He’s become such an important person in my life and besides this concern of mine, he is really incredible. I’ve accepted the fact that he is reserved and might not be as open as I am, but how can I connect with him on a more emotional and romantic level?

January 9, 2018 at 4:40 am #185709

Inky
Participant

Hi modalsoul,

Your BF sounds like a lovable, yet clueless dude. He is just “there”. Except he’s not even “there” because you guys are long distance. I don’t know why but we’re getting A LOT of long distance relationship questions. Do people even date locally anymore?? LOL

Anyway, I give the same advice: You can’t really change someone into feeling or being a certain way. (Some people seem to be able to. We’re not those people though.) And long distance relationships seldom work out.

Find a nice boy in the college you’re at!

Blessings,

Inky

January 10, 2018 at 2:09 am #185883

Soul-searcher
Participant

Yes it really does seem nearly everyone is long distance, i had my first long distance relationship 3 years ago, and now because of his job we are long distance yet again. I feel the same way, and to be honest i think most guys are emotionally detached with their own emotions let alone ours. I have had this with nearly every guy i have gone out with, im the emotional, deep person and they are the ones that dont like to talk and dont like to delve ínto any situations too deeply and take them with a pinch of salt. Its so irritating.

Inky is right in the sense that you cant change someone, something i also find very hard to accept, but i dont agree with long distance relationships seldom work out, there is a few relationships i know that have worked out, but hey ho.

Blessings

January 10, 2018 at 8:40 am #185957

Anonymous
Guest

Dear modalsoul:

You wrote that he responds to you only “when I’m absolutely heartbroken or crying about something”- he responds to you then, I believe, because he gets scared and is on alert. During moments of alarm people do pay attention.

But this is not the way to make him more responsive to you on the long run. On the long run, this will bring you the opposite: a more distant, self protective, cautious boyfriend.

He can change but only in the context of a safe relationship. He has to feel safe, accepted, not criticized, not alarmed. Over time, and it will be a long time, he will probably be more open with you, scratch that itch (title of your thread), so to speak.

If you can’t endure that itch during the months, many months it will require, better that you end the relationship and find a man who will be regularly responsive to you, the way you expect and want a man to be.

It will not be fair for you and for him to stay and complain or criticize him. He can’t help the way he was formed in his childhood as he didn’t choose his parents or the experience he had.

anita

January 14, 2018 at 2:55 am #186525

modalsoul
Participant

Thank you all for your responses. All of it was very helpful. I took each one of your advices. I was able to get over my doubts and talk to my significant other more honestly while being mindful of his reserved nature. We’re each trying to be more accepting and patient with one another and it has really helped us connect.

Blesssings

Modal Soul

January 14, 2018 at 5:24 am #186539

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Modal Soul. Your last post is promising. Post again anytime.

anita

January 14, 2018 at 7:45 pm #186631

dreaming715
Participant

While every relationship is different- I can relate because I’m on the very emotional end of the spectrum and my boyfriend (who is loyal, loving, kind, patient, and many other amazing qualities) is not emotional. He gets uncomfortable and shys away from talking about sensitive/deep/heavy subjects. He’s also not a naturally “gushy” person with words. We’ve been together for 1 year and 7 months though and over time he has opened up a little more, BUT I did have to remind myself that this is who he is and I have to either accept and love him for it, or it may be time to find another partner. I chose accepting and loving him as he is because he possesses so many qualities that I value and make me feel happy and secure in our relationship.
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