Dear Poppyxo:

Your sister got pregnant at nineteen, told to move out of the house, moved out and lived on her own, got cancer, recovered, had a few rocky relationships, got pregnant again, had twins, has had a rocky relationship since with the father of her twins,had a car crash and broke her back.

Maybe you can change your mind set regarding your sister: instead of seeing her as inferior-to-you, one less aware, less resourceful, less educated, less… see her as a fellow human being, equal in value. A fellow human being who is suffering. A fellow human being who had the misfortune of having the same mother that you have.

Don’t give her advice because she asked you not to.

We humans tend to point to others as dysfunctional in areas we are relatively functional. She got pregnant twice in the context of relationships that were not congruent with having  children; you didn’t. On the other hand there are areas where you are dysfunctional and where she is functional.

So again, it is not that you are superior, perfectly functional and she is inferior and dysfunctional. You are both functional and dysfunctional in different areas.

Giving her advice, that very inclination  (as in giving advice to students and being frustrated they don’t take your advice, in your previous thread) is your dysfunction.

When you deal with your sister, if you do, do so from Empathy, not from Superiority.

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

Well, if you agree with my response, then this is my understanding:

You messaged  her “you’re silly haha” and someone  else messaged the same to her, she lashed out at you but not at the other. Reason: there are messages you communicated to her before that Facebook message that the  other person did not. You communicated to her before that message that  she is less than you, that she is indeed silly or stupid in very basic, fundamental ways, that you are wiser and  superior to her.

When she read the Facebook message, she doesn’t  only see that message, she sees, in her mind’s eye, all the previous messages you communicated to her.

She calls you names, what names? And how is she “being really negative towards (you)”?

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

So no name calling, I am thinking. If she called you names, you would have remembered.

The bantering you mentioned, teasing (definition of to tease, to make  fun of or try to provoke; definition of provoke: to stimulate anger in someone)- well, it doesn’t work with her and  wouldn’t with me, not at all. I view it as mistreatment.

Yes, better stop bantering, teasing and provoking her. Definitely.

anita

Dear Poppyxo:

Your comment to her on Facebook had the word “silly” in it. She used The word “stupid”. These two words are very similar in meaning.

There are many forms of aggression, and teasing (“silly”) is considered light or non aggressive by some, but aggressive by others. At the least, teasing is controversial in terms of being aggressive.

But what is most important is what the person you are teasing believes or feels about your teasing. If she believes it is aggressive, well, it is your responsibility to stop  it.

Isn’t it  interesting… I wonder who the “impossible sister” is, what  do you think?

anita

Poppyxo,

The teasing and banter that you describe do come across as abusive and I can absolutely see why your sister does not appreciate you treating her that way and that she gets hurt by it.  The mere fact that this is how you communicate with many other family members does not make it normal in any sense– it might just mean that you are also so engrossed in the behavior and so used to being on the receiving end of it, that even you don’t realize when you are in the midst of abusive language or abusive situations.  Teasing and tormenting your sister (or anyone for that matter) is not kind thing to do, nor would it imply that you care about them and want to help.

I would question yourself about what your goal of having a relationship with her is.  Do you want to support her and show her that you care about her and her life and her children?  Instead of focusing so much on “what is wrong with her and why could she possibly hurt by my behavior” try to focus more on how you CAN show that you care.  Be nice to her, ask her questions about her life, ask how you can support her, take her out for a coffee just because, etc.

There are many, many things you can do in a situation and to improve a relationship that don’t simply involve cutting conversations down to merely facts and “not acting like yourself.”  This seems to be very extreme language and very black and white.

I hope you can try to take a more positive approach to develop the kind of relationship that you are trying to get with your sister!

Dear Poppyxo:

Well, if you, your partner, your dad and others “feel secure in ourselves”, and that is why you find it funny teasing each other, your sister, I suppose, is not secure in herself and maybe that is why she doesn’t  find it funny, correct?

Why not make a special accommodation for the one  not secure in herself.

anita