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Trying to move forward but always coming back

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  • December 2, 2017 at 6:12 am #180301
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mae,

    Have you ever interacted with him and NOT had sex? Like, you guys go to a movie or out to dinner and you kiss only and he goes home?

    I think the poor boy is confused. Clearly he was awkwardly and passively flirting because he wasn’t confident that you would say YES. Then you bluff saying you want Friends with Benefits. He says “OK?” and takes you at your word. You cut it off. You say sorry and it’s back on. Because you’re afraid if you ask for more he’ll say NO.

    Unfortunately, the relationship dynamic has already been set. Yes, you can change it, but it might be difficult.

    Just ask him to an event, dinner/movie or party (“hey I was just thinking about you, do you want to go to…”)  and see if he says YES… but NOT have sex this time. See what happens.

    Then wait for him to text you first and take it from there.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    December 2, 2017 at 7:24 am #180315
    Mae
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I have tried asking him out once, but he said he was busy or he said “not today”, and I never brought up again. He didn’t seem to want a relationship with me until the end when he kinda insinuated at be monogamous, hooked up with me and never called or texted me. I’ve to accept that, I just want to move on from him because I’ve been stuck in a space where I’ve been blaming myself for what happened and feeling unwanted… and rejected. Partly because when I finally ended it he never texted me or tried to contact me. I saw him a month ago at the train station and he was just staring at me, later that night I texted him to see if I still had a chance to try again and he never replied. I don’t know I just feel stupid for wasting all this time on him, but theirs a part of me that is still holding on and hoping I’ll get another chance with him even though logically  I know that it may never happen, and I may not get a do-over I had several chances already lol

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mae.
    December 2, 2017 at 9:25 am #180331
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    I was wondering what you learned in the psychotherapy you attended?

    I think it is a good thing that you decided to  take  things into your own hands, that is, to be active in your own life, to initiate.

    Thing  is when  he asked  you what you are “looking for  out of this relationship”- the active, initiating thing to say would have been the truth of what you were  looking for, instead of trying  to accommodate what you thought he was looking for (“I said I  wanted friends with benefits only because he told  me…)

    You wrote  that  in your mind you were “hoping to ease  him into a relationship”. The direct approach and  one  much more likely to  be successful in the future, would  be to tell him that you are looking for a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

    I  hope you post  again  with your thoughts  and feelings.

    anita

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