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Dumped and alone

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  • November 25, 2017 at 2:48 am #179377
    August
    Participant

    I was in a relationship for 15 years and eventually it broke down and after some counselling my partner ended it. The same pattern played out that has played out in all my previous relationships. It kind of becomes codependent. I let everything go and lose myself. I become needy and anxious and put their happiness before my own.  So it took 15 years this time but it still happened. Now I’m 49 years old and live alone. Because of the nature of my issues I have failed to create a core group of supportive friends. I put all my eggs in the one basket and now that basket is gone and I basically have nobody to turn to. My family background was horrible. Both parents narcissistic adult children and were physically , mentally and emotionally abusive towards my sibling and I growing up.

    So here I am on a Saturday night at home alone again. I look on Meetup to see if there is anything I could participate in to try and meet people but nothing interests me. I don’t want to pay to do some activity I have no interest in just to meet people. I feel that I at least need to enjoy what I’m doing.

    I guess I’m writing this because I feel anxious about my future. Will I live out the rest of my days as a loner?  I’ve realised that it’s kind of not possible for me to have a healthy intimate relationship unless I resolve a lot of baggage I carry. I kind of already knew this 15 years ago but this person chased me and I fell in love. I have been to various psychologists but not much changes. I feel like I pay them a lot of money for them to say go awAy and dispute your thoughts ie CBT.    I feel so lonely. It’s like I could just die and nobody would find my body for a week or two, maybe longer.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by August.
    November 25, 2017 at 5:15 am #179389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear August:

    When growing up with your parents, your attention was on how the  parent was feeling at any one time, so to be able to predict what he/she will do next, correct? If so, will you share more about that focus-on-the-parent experience?

    anita

    November 25, 2017 at 6:27 am #179391
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi August,

    I think you should give yourself more credit. Fifteen years is nothing to sneeze at. Even well balanced people with good childhoods can, have, and will end relationships after less than fifteen years. It doesn’t have to do with all your childhood and the way you are now. It’s your partner, you, and, well, TIME! You should celebrate that it lasted so long, not beat yourself with a stick over it!

    As for finding your “tribe”, may I suggest: your local rec center, community center and church. You can go to events or volunteer. Also, who are your neighbors? It’s interesting that when they say “Love thy neighbor”, ponder this: It doesn’t matter who your neighbor is! Make a big meal and invite them over!

    Best,

    Inky

    November 26, 2017 at 6:53 am #179431
    August
    Participant

    @NewLife123 said:
    Dear August:

    When growing up with your parents, your attention was on how the  parent was feeling at any one time, so to be able to predict what he/she will do next, correct? If so, will you share more about that focus-on-the-parent experience?

    anita

     

    my parents were unpredictable. Both were abusive. Physical and verbal aggression was a normal way to discipline kids in their eyes.  Being slapped around the face and head and expletives hurled at me was an every day occurrence. My mother was also emotionally abusive and used me as her confidant. She had multiple affairs, confided in me about them and then used emotional blackmail to make me keep the secret.  My father was/is alcoholic. He recently had a nasty fall resulting in a brain operation because of his drinking but he continues to drink. He was also an opportunistic thief and has no remorse about it. He was proud of it when we were kids.

    November 26, 2017 at 7:44 am #179467
    Maryellen
    Participant

    Codependence is something that is really hard to deal with. I would suggest the best way to learn to not be codependent is to practice being independent. So just do things to take care of yourself, participate in hobbies you love, go to events by yourself. If you ever do find someone again I would suggest making sure to schedule you time, and that your partner also has them time. It’s also important to hang out with other friends without them around.

    You said you looked on meetup, maybe also try Facebook to look for events and if your not sure about something you could always try something new!

    I would also suggest looking up online of the signs of co-dependence, and how to be independent.  Maybe also look into something called codependence anonymous. This is a group that focuses on cultivating independence and can also be a great way to meet people. Good luck!

    November 26, 2017 at 10:59 am #179485
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear August:

    It is amazing that a child survives such experience, such a long term, multi factor abusive experience and  lives to  tell about it.

    When you were at the mercy of these  aggressive adults, of course you focused on them, and you were indeed “needy and anxious” then. Anxious because you didn’t  know when the next aggression will display, why, what will precede it and how bad it will be, so you focus on them, on their every facial expression, word, tone  of voice… you focus on what about your own facial expression or words or tone of voice can trigger their next aggression.

    As an adult you continue this pattern, this habit born out of necessity, to focus on the other, aka being co dependent.

    For a child, most acutely, need number one is safety. Everything is second place. As adults we… don’t  know we are no  longer in that danger (in the mercy of aggressive adults), so we keep being  scared, anxious and keep trying to avoid the next aggression by placing close attention on the other.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    November 26, 2017 at 1:53 pm #179499
    August
    Participant

    I was also badly bullied and ostracised throughout my schooling which has left me scarred. So I was bullied at home and school.  I’ve grown up with the core belief that everyone will let you down and hurt you in the end and nobody can be trusted especially the people who say they love you. I cannot think of a single adult who was a good role model in my formative years. I’m 49 now and when I see something on tv about bullying I cry my eyes out because I really feel so much for kids who go through that. It’s so close to home that it tears me up inside.

    I do feel like I am still at the mercy of aggressive adults. Adults who could just use me and then discard me when they grow bored. Every relationship I have been in they have dumped me.  People can’t seem to tolerate me.   I guess I don’t blame them really because when I think about it I can’t even tolerate myself. I sit around in this chronic state of mild depression. I’m kind of stuck in a perpetual state of helplessness. I feel like I need someone to look after me as if I’m a child.  I have no clue what to do with my life. There is nothing that I feel very passionate about. There are things I enjoy but I have no confidence or belief in myself or drive or motivation to ever make a real go of something.   For example when I was younger I dreamt of being a musical performer and dancer. I had some opportunities but I never followed through with anything. I failed to hone my craft and I failed to connect with people and build networks. I failed because my confidence was so low that I just felt it was a useless waste of time even trying. To make it in such an industry you have to be very resilient and let rejection slide like water off a ducks back. I couldn’t do that. Rejection to me is like death. I’m so super sensitive to it.

    So ive spent my life falling into low skilled low paid work because it was easy and less painful than the risk of failure if I went for my dreams. The positive side is that at least I can make a living and have enough money to survive but I feel I’ve wasted so much time and now I’m a bit washed up.  Im really tired of feeling tired. Of feeling so useless on my own. Of having no desire or drive to grab hold of life and create something amazing. To take advantage of this miraculous opportunity.  Instead I’m just stuck in this ground hog day loop of self pity. Obsessing about why my ex partner no longer wants me.   Why I don’t feel worthy or deserving of more than that. Why do I even bother wasting my time and energy thinking  about and craving a person who has discarded me??? It’s totally fucked.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by August.
    November 27, 2017 at 5:10 am #179541
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear August:

    For  life to be this “miraculous opportunity” for a person, the person has to feel safe enough. Without this feeling of being safe-enough, a child/ person will not explore opportunities, will not be available to feel the motivation to explore (too anxious, too focused on danger) or, following times of exploration, will not persist through the difficulties to come.

    When a person does explore and achieve international fame, success beyond imagining, if that person grew up anxious, and did not heal, that person will keep experiencing the same  anxiety,  and didn’t we read about such people choosing to end their incredibly successful-looking lives?

    You wrote: “I do feel that I am still at the  mercy of aggressive adults”- as I suggested above, we still feel the same  as  we  felt as children. It doesn’t  change because we get older. As time passes we shed our skin, and so, our skin this year is not the same  as  last year. On the other hand, we do not shed  our brain. It is the same brain, same  neurons, same connections between neurons.

    Healing is the very, very slow, gradual adding of new connections into existing connections, changing in that mapping of the brain. It takes persistence, lots of patience with the process, gentleness with oneself and a healthy relationship, be it with a psychotherapist or other.

    Just as we got sick as a result  of a relationship or relationships (parent/s, bullies in school, etc.), we can heal only as a result of being in a healthy relationship with someone we learn to trust.

    I was your age when I just started my healing.

    anita

    November 28, 2017 at 3:34 am #179663
    August
    Participant

    Well I trusted my partner until he decided to separate from me and then he just became one more person letting me down. One more wound in my scarred heart. On the other hand I think the way I put all my eggs in the one basket and only had him for support caused him to feel engulfed. It was too much of a burden and scared him off.

    I tried  to make friends with others so I would have more support but it was very difficult.  I couldn’t find anyone who I felt could be a true friend. I didn’t feel there was any real support.  In my teens I had a peer group and all we ever did was get wasted and party. This led into my 20s and by the time I was 30 I had to cut them out of my life as they were all going downhill on too many drugs and alcohol and I didn’t feel they were true friends. I outgrew the relationships.  I’ve had this pattern of forming similar superficial relationships with people ever since.   I kind of know people but the relationships have been shallow. I think maybe I do this to protect myself as I believe if I let people too close they will leave or let me down etc  Also I have this habit of blurting out what I feel in a blunt way when people annoy me and then I scare them off. I don’t know how to be assertive and ask for what I want and express what is important without wrecking relationships.

    November 28, 2017 at 4:45 am #179673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear August:

    You wrote that you don’t know “how to be assertive and ask for what (you) want and express what is important without wrecking relationships”- no one is born knowing how to be assertive. It is a skill to be learned. Most people go between being  passive and aggressive, the non-skilled behaviors. Acting assertively can be learned.

    You can, if you want, write here an example of you “blurting out what (you) feel in a blunt way when people annoy” you and suggest instead a way to communicate in that circumstance in an assertive way, that  is, a way that will serve you and not hurt a relationship. I can suggest an assertive alternative (although being blunt is sometimes the way to go).

    anita

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