Thanks Radhika 🙂

Anita, oh, alright, I didn’t get it earlier.
So this is one of the many examples. the background is-  He doesn’t talk to me when he’s in office, like never, not even a one second call. I know he gets lunch breaks in office since I have other friends in the same office and the work atmosphere is not really strict (since he’s at a comfortable post) but no matter what happens, he never answers my calls in office. Even when a close relative of mine died and I was all berserk, he didn’t call me once on his own until way after his office got over. Flip side, I used to excuse myself from my office meetings if he ever called, maybe wrong but just that he was always, always my priority. So i learnt my lesson early on that I will not contact him in his office simply because I’ve better odds at dying in the process than him talking to me.
So this one time, we weren’t able to talk properly for many days, he was like always too busy to talk and it was getting difficult. Also, whenever we did talk, he used to talk about how stuck up he is and that i need to be patient. I understood for a few days and said I’m here if he wants to talk but it kept going. He never wanted to talk. I used to keep saying that I’m also busy and I don’t want us to talk for hours but a 5-10 minutes chat in a day is not that difficult, that if I’m laid off whenever there’s pressure of other things, where do I hold a place in his life. But anyhow, that’s how it kept going. He stopped calling, saying I’m busy and stuff and I was the only one calling (in retrospect, I feel I also should have stopped calling, was a lunatic to try talk to someone who wasn’t interested). Finally, really upset I called him one morning, he didn’t answer, he was in office. I had enough that day and I called multiple times, texted that I can’t take it anymore, talk now, he still didn’t answer. At night, too he didn’t call, From a common friend I happened to know he was with them at a party that night (he was stuck up and so not talking to me but partying.) I called him, he answered and said he’s out at the party and will talk later, he didn’t call, I only called late that night and asked him if he has time for everything else, why not two minutes time for the lady who’s been wanting to talk to him since days. by this time, i was so hurt, i began crying. He was like come on, you need to be patient, okay I’m sorry, but obviously I was hurt so i expected him to do more than a sorry, that too when he didn’t even call himself to make things okay between us. But when I was like saying stuff, he cut me midway and was like see I’m really tired from the party, goodnight, and hung up, leaving me crying.

When I stopped calling the next day and the day after, he came with his sorry(s)  and eventually it got over. This same incident is repeated every month almost because he’ll say I’m busy or stuck and then treat me badly for 7-10 days when I’ll see him do everything apart from talking to me. If under tough circumstances I take a backseat, where am i in his life, specially when for me, he’s my all and I ditch other plans when he wants to talk.
Feel free to tell me if I’m unreasonable.

Anita,

Exactly. When i leave, then I’m valued. Then office, sleep, friends, I’m above everything else, like i said, when i leave, he gives me the love that I wanted when i was with him. So then it makes me feel that all his ‘busy’ stuff are all excuses, all a manifestation of him not valuing me enough as he’s able to love me amid all that when i Leave but till I’m with him, I’m nowhere in his priority list.

But I cannot do this all my life right, Anita, i can’t keep leaving him to make him show me love. Like people earlier said in posts, I’ve tried telling him what I want and told him how badly his behavior towards me hurts, I also questioned him how everything falls in place and he gets time to call me when I’m gone. Sometimes he understands, at other times he behaves as if I’m exaggerating, but in both situations, the result is the same, the moment I melt and get back, he again treats me badly within a month. I really want a life with him but i feel I’m in a maze, I can see no way to make him understand this.

Thanks Anita. This gave me a lot of perspective.

One last thing. Now I’ve left. I talked with him, also wrote him down a text (as by the time we got to the last leg, our conversations always inflated into a fight so, I could only sanely say all that I wanted to before I leave, through a message) and I’ve shut my phone down. I live alone on my own and while no phone makes certain things difficult, I need to zone out from everything in order to feel human again and also resist the constant yearning to call him or answer his calls (as I know he would have been calling everyday now that I’ve left). The usual thing is I leave for 10-15 days, he calls and we get back together but this time, I’ve been too hurt to go through the grind again. I know he’ll be taken aback this time as this is the longest I’ve ever been away without any contact.

As I’ve read elsewhere too and as A4U also said that men understand distance more than words or tears, this time I’m determined to have both distance and silence for at least a longer period of time say even a few months if I have to, to help me be alone and feel better (I process thoughts better when I’m left on my own)  and also to let him see that he cannot goof up every time and get my love back with a few days of apologies. He’ll have to understand now and know that I at least want my share of love and respect and only then will I be back with him, because deep down, I really still want him, just that I want him to understand how his behavior is hurtful and having failed at making him understand, this silent distancing is my last shot. However, I’m everyday haunted by the thought of what if in the next 2-3 months of no contact, he forgets me? A part of me tells me that he won’t considering that we’ve been emotionally deeply involved for a long period of 6 years but another part of me can’t stop doubting. I do not know. Is it likely that the course I’m taking now might just fix this up between us or am I more likely to see him move on in his life? I’m just so confused, I can really do with someone else’s perspective on this.