“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.” ~Unknown
You two are family. Maybe you grew up with them and were by their side for a huge chunk of their life. There was a lot of laughing, crying, and sharing. Some fighting too.
You know how their brain works probably better than anyone else. But sometimes, in adulthood, those closest to you can become unrecognizable—estranged, cold, and careless. For no apparent reason, you find yourself shut out of their life. Your peace-feelers are increasingly rejected. You’ve been left out in the cold.
There is always a reason why people turn out the way they do. But, sometimes the metamorphosis is so gradual that it sneaks up on you, and one day, you wake up and wonder, “How did it come to this?”
You want them back. So you start to question and blame yourself. Was it the time I chose to go to the party instead of keeping her company? Was it when I used his things without asking? What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make it better?
While it’s good to ask yourself such questions, sometimes the lesson you are meant to learn is to let go of the memory of who they were and accept who they have become.
This is based on my own relationship with my sister. We’d always been close, and when I was growing up, I looked up to her as my role model. I was shy, nerdy, and runty. She was pretty, popular, and good at sports.
But after she went to college and, four years later, I followed suit on another continent, our lives didn’t really intersect. When we did meet, we’d butt heads about a lot of things. She had grown bitter in the years post high school, while I’d grown up, become assertive, and was impulsively exploring the world. Still, despite our differences, I thought we’d always be there for one another.
Then she got married to a man who doesn’t get along with me or our parents. They began living in a strange emotional autarky.
She grew very cold, defensive, and resentful toward our family and began to cut me out of her life. I tried to reach out and mend the relationship, but she refused to open up. She’s always been proud that way.
One day when I told her I loved her and wished we could be close like before, she replied, “That was a long time ago.”
Over the last few years, the relationship has really gone downhill. I’ve struggled with the hurt of “losing” my sister, as well as feelings of self-blame as I struggled to find a reason for her change. I have racked my brain for memories of what I could’ve done wrong, but my mind draws a blank.
Then, I decided I didn’t want to dwell on feeling hurt any longer. I didn’t want to keep longing for and trying to rekindle the sisterhood we once had.
I have come to realize my sister is not the person I once knew, and I have to accept that, learn to let go, and move on. That is how I decided to take certain decisions for the sake of my own happiness and mental health.
I hope this advice can help those who may be experiencing a toxic and estranged relationship with a family member with whom they had once been close.
1. Identify in what ways the relationship may be toxic and how it makes you feel.
A toxic relationship can manifest in many ways. Perhaps your relative always puts you down, lacks empathy, acts passive-aggressive, or ignores you when you speak.
Once you have pinpointed the person’s patterns of behavior, become aware of how this affects your mood, body language, energy levels, self-esteem, and peace of mind. Knowing how to recognize toxicity and its effects is the first step to understanding your feelings and empowering yourself to deal with the situation.
2. Accept that you may never find the root cause for your relative’s behavior.
People do therapy for years—there’s never a simple answer. You may be able to talk to your relative to find out why s/he acts a certain way. You may not. Sometimes, the reason why a person treats you badly may not have anything to do with what you’ve done, but might just be the way they process and respond to their own life experiences. Hardships may strengthen one person and make another bitter.
In any case, try to reframe toxicity by understanding it tends to come from a place of unhappiness or discontent. People’s hurtful actions will then become less hurtful to you when you realize they reflect their inner state rather than you.
3. Do not normalize toxicity.
If you have done nothing wrong, don’t forget it is not normal for anyone to continually be negative, inconsiderate, and hurtful toward you. It is very easy to lose perspective about what is right and wrong, especially when you are constantly justifying a person’s behavior with stories of their past traumas or hardships.
People tend to make concessions for difficult or estranged loved ones because they wish to forgive and forget, avoid conflict, or do not want to push the person farther away. Empathy is good, but it cannot be used to keep making excuses for terrible behavior. Sometimes you need to set limits and say “enough!” before such behavior becomes the new normal.
4. Don’t expect anything from your estranged relative.
Yes, you might expect your family to have your back because you’d do the same, but don’t count on it with an estranged relative with whom you struggle to maintain a relationship. I’ve learned not to be dependent or expect any help from my sister, even though I grew up believing that’s what siblings should do for one another.
5. Realize it takes two people to fix a relationship.
As much as you try, if the other person is not ready or not willing, you may not fix much. The relationship will remain toxic for as long as the person is unable to change. You cannot blame yourself for it. You have done your best.
6. Decide how much space you want to give them in your life.
You will probably encounter your relative again at family gatherings, or you may need to communicate with them about family matters. In this case, minimize the amount of time you spend in their presence and keep communication to a minimum.
Sometimes, though, you may need to cut them out of your life entirely, whether permanently or momentarily. Keeping a space open for them and constantly making the effort to reach out is emotionally exhausting.
Once you have deemed you have tried enough and done your best, don’t feel guilty about drawing the line and deciding that enough is enough.
7. Don’t bottle things up.
Communicate your feelings to people you trust. If the person knows your relative, you may learn that they also share the same feelings of hurt and disappointment in dealing with him/her.
Talking through your feelings is therapeutic and helps you acquire perspective about the situation.
In my case, my parents also have a toxic relationship with my sibling, and I found that letting them talk about it and encouraging them not to bottle things up has been a great release for them.
8. Refrain from frequently gossiping about your relative, especially to a wide circle of people.
There is a difference between sharing your feelings with people you trust and constantly focusing all conversations on this individual and what s/he did or said. You risk getting into the habit of speaking badly of someone, and the conversation will often just keep going around in circles. Also, the negative talk can return to your relative’s ears and feed the cycle of negativity and estrangement.
Instead, decrease the mental and emotional energy spent thinking about your relative, and focus on the positive aspects of your life and your loved-ones’ lives.
9. Don’t give your relative an opportunity to blame you.
People like my sister are often extreme narcissists who blame everyone but themselves. It is important not to give him or her ammunition for this blame-game. If he/she always shows up late, acts rude, never tidies up, or uses your things, resist the temptation to do the same in return. Do the right thing and s/he won’t be able to reproach you for anything.
10. Accept you may not be able to have a frank, heart-to-heart conversation.
My sister goes through life demonstrating a character devoid of vulnerability or weakness. If you are faced with an emotionally inaccessible and excessively proud individual, you may have to accept the fact that you may never have that cathartic moment of truth you so crave. Strive for closure on your side and move on.
11. Shift your focus.
Do not dwell on the pain and hurt of “losing” a relative. Don’t focus on trying to grapple with the toxic relationships in your life. Build upon the positive ones you have instead. Accept the cards that life has dealt you and make the best of them. Live your life and cultivate your soul. Be content and grateful for what you have and who you are, for that is more than enough to fill a heart with happiness!
**This post was originally published in October, 2017.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I was the toxic one in the relationship. I yelled at him and disrespected him. I finally broke up, because I started hating myself for being so impatient and angry all the time. I didn’t want to break up but I just couldn’t believe myself when I was with him. I was treating him that he really doesn’t deserve. Finally we broke up, because I couldn’t fix myself. And I didn’t want him to be with a monster, so I let him go. But I still don’t know why was I so angry?
Although I’m sorry that you don’t have the relationship you want with your sister, this article left a bad taste in my mouth.
Even though you say you can’t think of anything that would cause the estrangement, please understand that NO ONE chooses to walk away from a relationship for absolutely no reason at all. More often, as in my case, it’s the “death from a thousand cuts” that causes strife and prompts the decision to cut ties. In other words, over time, little offenses add up until enough is enough. I have a feeling that this is the case with your sister, who must have had a reason to become “bitter, cold, defensive, and resentful.” If you truly want to understand, then it’s important to figure out exactly what happened to cause her bitterness and resentment toward you and your parents.
As a longtime survivor of narcissistic abuse from my parents and other authority figures, I don’t think any good is done by putting all the blame on her for the estrangement. Yes, she is the one who walked away, but I hope you will look a little deeper to see her reason. If you truly seek closure and peace, you might start by respecting her obvious wish for no contact. It would also be wise to examine your own motives for including pejorative language and remarks in this article that clearly show your own resentment and bitterness toward her.
You describe your sister as prideful because she didn’t open up to you, and lament that she “[demonstrates] a character devoid of vulnerability or weakness.” Those were red flags for me, because you haven’t yet seen WHY she feels a need to protect herself. How has she been treated when she’s tried to open up and be vulnerable in the past?
I know this is probably not the response you hoped for, but I hope that it will help you to continue your search for clarity.
very timely article. my sister and i were best friends for 45 years, and then my dad had open heart surgery and started to weaken and decline. i guess she just wasn’t ready for that because by the time he died, she was no longer speaking to me and i was his primary caregiver! life sure does take turns! both of my parents are gone now and my 5 siblings are all toxic to me so i have lost all of my family. it is quite an adjustment and very sad. i will be ok because i have a wonderful large family and also my husband’s family. but it’s a lot to lose all at once. . . thank you for this article
Thanks for posting this article as it does presents a positive way to look at things. I have five siblings, and I have been estranged from them for a few years now. Statistically, one would conclude that somehow the issue lies with me or I walked away. In a way, yes that’s true, I did walk away as I could not bear being hurt anymore nor did I want to hurt them. They didn’t even tolerate me when I visited my father who was ill, and made me feel unwelcome. After my parents death, I felt I had lost my whole family. Sometimes walking away and severing contact is a way of showing love. They don’t even know which country I live in!! I don’t really care what they think of me or feel about me. I miss them (and all my nieces and nephews) very much and I keep sending them positive thoughts. For a number of years I was bitter, upset and I thought something was wrong with me. However, this experience has changed me in a positive way in the long run.
This speaks to me because I have the same situation and have come to the same conclusion. You cannot be responsible for another persons thoughts or actions and sometimes you don’t need to know “more”.
I have to agree with the comments. If she didn’t feel attacked in some way she would probably open up.
very honest of you. your honest will probably help you begin the healing process
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve found many similar qualities in someone really close to me. From personal experience: if someone’s really prideful and always drain you, my advice is to avoid them as much as possible. On my part I do still believe that change is possible
great article read it about ten times it’s so near to my own ex
perience
Hi Catherine,
I have felt your pain as I grew up in a similar household. My brother followed the same path as yours did. I moved out and pursued my career. Over time, I let go of my family’s expectations of me. My mom would complain about my brother, and I learned to listen and offer sound advice, and that’s it. I wouldn’t participate in her “pity me” party and I stopped letting it affect me. I decided that his actions and her relationship was not only toxic, but how she chose to live. My mom was getting something from her toxic relationship with my brother. I believe it was her love for drama or something like that. Anyway, my point is, don’t wait too long to love yourself enough to walk away from the drama. You can set some boundaries with your mom by letting her know that you don’t want to have anything to do with your brother and his violent ways. Your relationship won’t change until you do something different. Letting go is the best you can do in this situation. It can be difficult because that is what you grew up with and feelings of guilt often stop us from getting out and away from toxic family members. For your own well being, you have to keep trying to move on until you’re free. Believe me, it’s liberating and life changing when it happens. One last thing, and I think the article mentions it, letting go doesn’t have to mean saying good bye and never seeing or talking a person again. You can still have a relationship with your mom, but it sounds like you need to change the dynamics of your relationship.
I wish you good luck and I wish you well,
Cheryl
My brother never opens up, and has the thickest walls imaginable. I can't imagine what happened to him to make him have to build such a reinforced defence. How are we to understand him, if he doesn't let us in? I don't blame him, but what am i to do, if i've tried countless and countless times to be patient and understanding, asking him why he is like that. everything is an attack to him, he is so fragile it infuriates me, but no matter how patient persistent and soft spoken i am, he always lashes out or runs away. What am i to do then if i've tried everything? He had a therapist before, but he couldn't even open up to a stranger. He doesn't believe in therapy or meds. What do i do now? How do i convince someone that they can be saved if they've just given up on themselves? I don't know what do to, i've tried to be his therapist, i get nowhere, his defense is too strong for me, he shuts everyone out of his world for protection, and non of us understand y, bc he won't tell us the reason. and it is so tiring. How do we help someone, that doesn't tell us what is wrong with him?
Their was a point in my life where i gave up, i threw my pride aside, maybe for my brother it's pride, but also his way of protection, i'm sure he let someone in before, and that person hurt him really bad, but how desperate do you have to be how terrible does your life have to become till you are able to bring down your walls and accept all the help that has been around u. If he doesn't let anyone in, and continues to do it all himself. he is destined to be like that forever.
Maybe if he is shutting you out it's because he wants you to leave him alone and stop trying to fix him. This is all so basic it's painful. People who aren't opening up to you do not want to be close to you and want you to stop prying. Duh.
Yeah the author his highly lacking in self-awareness.
Right??
You sound remarkably lacking in self awareness. You are blaming your bad relationship all on your sister while not admitting to any shortcomings you might have had. You seem like the narcissist here, tbh.
I'm not trying to fix him, i'm trying to support him. It is just sad having to see someone you love drown and not be able to do anything about it. Sure he wants to be left alone, but how long is he going to run away from his problems? He is alone because he is choosing to be alone. How long do i give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just uncomfortable and just trying to protect himself? I am trying to give him enough space to try to find safety in me, because he has no one else. He can't expect to find comfort in himself, and he seems incapable of helping himself. I don't want to enable his "cowardice", it is something he can work on, and I wish he would help me help himself. What do you expect me to do, leave him to drown?
And it's really insensitive of you to be so sarcastic when I'm emotional and trying to be vulnerable. Next time you should try to be a little more serious. I understand your response, but i don't respect it, your comment angers me.
I'm not a medical professional, so I can't diagnose your brother. Defensiveness is a trauma reaction. Somewhere in his mind, he feels a need to protect his peace. That's why he has these walls up. He may feel that he can't trust others, or he may feel that it's better not to risk heartbreak.
If you've truly tried everything, then maybe tell him once more, "I'm here for you if you need a listening ear. I care about you and want to see you happy and well." Show him helpful articles if you think he'd read them. Then let him do what he will with it. Remember, you can only control your words and actions. But it's not helpful for you to persist when he's clearly not ready for a change. When you persist, you show that you don't respect his boundaries or his right to live his life on his terms.
Love him from a distance, if you must.
Who’s Here In 2025. ! 😳
I’ Just Came Across This Thread. ! 😳
..
My older sister has ignored me and belittled me most of our lives. When we were kids she often told me to be quiet (I was talkative and excitable and she'd make me feel ashamed about it), called me fat and avoided touching me or interacting with me. I have eczema, it made me feel like I was disgusting and that people wouldn't like me for my skin. When we were in front of people she'd bring up stuff I had done years before to embarrass me and wouldn't let me talk, tell me I didn't remember right (often. I started believing I have a horrible memory because of her but when I went to college people would remark to me that my memory of conversations and exchanges was actually above average) and denying it would just make me look worse. She wouldn't let me talk about her to anyone and if I mentioned her to people she'd get mad with me. My mom knew she bullied me and would tell her to be nice to me and that we'd only have each other when she died and whatever but my sister was my only sibling and I didn't really compare with others so I thought our relationship was normal and that siblings usually didn't get along well but still loved each other secretly (because I loved her and wanted to talk to her but I also acted like I didn't sometimes and no one could get on my nerves like she did). But in college my friends told me about their siblings and apparently you can have a conversation with your sibling??? I hadn't had a conversation with her since maybe I was eight. The only texts I had from her in my phone was like 'I need socks' or 'tell mom this.' If I tried to confront her, she'd tell on me to my mom (I got so frustrated and cussed at her through text once, very emotionally distressed in them but just got ignored by her and then scolded by our mom) or just completely close off. I could never talk about emotions or feelings with her, she just never cared or reacted. I got her a music box and took time to write her a long message on it. I found it in the trash. I got her a mini fridge when she went to college with money from my first job (I was proud and excited for her, she got into her dream school). She didn't get me anything when I got into college with a full ride.
In my freshman year, I woke up to my roommate crying and hysterical, just sobbing 'he's dead. he's dead' and trying to show me an email. Our friend had died and it my first very real, very close loss of someone like that. I was scared, everyone around me was crying and calling their families, I was crying and so sad and lost. I hesitated but I called her and called her and called her. She never answered, or called me back, or texted me. That's when I realized she was never going to be there for me. Even those couple of times I remember her doing something nice for me—she didn't care. I don't know if she loved me but I would never treat someone I cared about like that. If she did care—what bs. That's not how you treat anyone. It's definitely not how you treat someone you care for. She only cared when I could give her money or things of worth or she needed me to do something for her. She enjoyed putting me down, embarrassing me, and had no problems ignoring me. So I realized that was it. We were adults now and living our own lives. I had no reason to try to 'save' anything. There'd been nothing to save for years, I hadn't heard her voice or seen her for a while.
Now she's blocked my mom and told her not to come to her graduation and my mom keeps trying to vent to me after not caring enough when I was a kid that I was struggling with her. My mom's trying to talk to me like we're friends and she just ignored me too when I was little and trying to talk to her or crying because my sister was mean to me. She cared more that I didn't cuss and that we were quiet and not actively fighting than that we resolved our issues together. She never tried to talk to me and ask me about it or ask my sister about it. So here I am. I now have a little brother, 13 years younger and that is the only reason I have not given up on family entirely is because I want him to have a good older sister. I take him to the movies everytime I come home and ask for him to send my drawings and out them on my wall and everytime I call my mother, the first thing I ask is 'where is my little brother.' And that's it
Honestly going through a broken family a can't see a way to avoid it. I love my girlfriend and 2 daughter with her but a feel taken for granted an unwanted. Ave asked countless time an told its me she wants but actions tell another story. Not seeing my kids everyday an the girl I love will take time an tears but a know am putting energy into a relationship that's not working and into someone that's not interested. Going to leave them in a gd place if I can and if things aren't resolved I would like to remain friends but after a long time with no communication. Anyways here's to the road ahead an to rebuilding a life from nothing 💔
I needed to read this.. I have had to cut my father out of my life as has he was highly abusive and has many drug and alcohol problems that impacted on me. This article has also helped me prepare for the future, and take responsibility for the fact that if our relationship is to ever be mended, that I require some effort to partake in that being mended as well, despite predominantly being the one who was hurt.
This article seems to have been written with good intentions but it also seems like it lacks a lot of self awareness. Narcissists don’t tend to just disappear without huge blow outs. The fact that your sister just wants to be left alone is evidence that she is not a narcissist. It seems more likely that you and your parents have behavioral or personality disorder issues and she doesn’t want anything to do with the family cult anymore. I get the cult idea from the emphasis you put on her not relying on you and your parents for emotional support anymore. Did you have a ‘close’ family where everyone was a bit co-dependent? We’re there a lot of secrets that weren’t to be disclosed to strangers because they just wouldn’t understand? If so you may be part of a toxic family cult. I have to say the anonymity posting on this site allows those who come here looking for information on how to blend in with society and manipulate people better the opportunity to gas light people looking for real answers. Perhaps this author is just innocently lacking in self awareness but it’s a good idea to read these things with a lens of heavy skepticism because to me, a victim of narcissistic abuse, this just looks like a narcissist looking for validation on the internet while crafting her own victimhood narrative. In fact I would guess any of our valid criticism here will only be used to improve the obvious holes in this story.
I agree 100%. Disappearing without dumping huge piles of drama and bad mouthing you to everyone isn’t narcissistic. Her not wanting to talk to you or your parents isn’t narcissistic. In fact your description leads me to believe you and your parents my be the ones with a personality disorder.
Thank you so much for this article. Be blessed
My older brother had fits of rage most of my life, starting when he was young. He fought with mom (and sometimes dad) constantly, he frequently threw and broke things, he pushed my mom into walls, he punched holes into walls, broke door frames, broke doors, screamed nasty insults at my mom, and of course left his younger siblings (including me) scared of him. He got into drugs and alcohol during his teen years, and continued terrorizing our lives until I moved out a few months ago. I remember mom missing every one of my school field trips in elementary school because of him, he ruined many birthdays of mine because his school concerts always landed on my birthday and of course he’d make a fight over having to dress up. He ruined many holidays to the point christmas was just something I wanted to get over with. I would have absolutely no problem cutting him from my life it’s just that my mom is always dragging me back in. Whenever I say anything bad about him she gets upset saying I’m hurting her, that you don’t turn your back on family, that I’m not even trying to have a relationship with him, that he needs help not abandonment. But I’m not going to tolerate this toxicity anymore, not for her, not for anyone. My relationship with my brother has been degrading for approzimately 15 years and I’m only 24, my mom shouldn’t even be surprised we don’t have a relationship and shouldn’t be forcing me to have one.
Thank you for this article! I’ve been looking everywhere for some type of advice as I’ve grown apart from my brother after his marriage. It’s been really hard to cope and I am making healthy boundaries for myself but still try to keep communication lines open. Unfortunately, it does become emotionally exhausting for me and his responses become defensive. The hard part is letting go. I’m not sure how it will be in time but I do need to separate myself emotionally from it. I hope he turns around or we can have some form of communication again.
Stay true to your wisdom on this, Catherine. It took me a lifetime to abandon thwarted, toxic relationships I clung to simply because they were blood relatives. What a relief to let them go! I should have done it years ago!
Always an important reminder. Reminds me a lot of one I wrote when dealing w/ a difficult and hurtful relationship. https://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/behind-great-anger-is-great-pain-dont-take-it-personally/
Spot on. My parents and I were the ones cut out by my toxic sibling. Before, every time we got together it was away to add to a list of reasons they were offended. Life for some people is heavily filtered through the lenses of anxiety and depression. Everything was a slight.
I’m sick of reading “there must have been a really good reason why someone would cut their whole family out…” sometimes that’s true… other times it’s a way to blame those who have tried and failed to have a relationship with someone who lacks emotional maturity, who does not communicate their feelings or perceive events around them properly or see anything from a perspective that is not their own.
Not everyone cut off is the bad guy in the scenario, and not everyone doing the cutting off is the good guy. Cutting “toxic people” out can be little more than virtue signaling by people who are self centred and egotistical.
Hi Catherine…Not to justify your brother`s behaviour in any way but it seems like he might have ADHD acording to his behaviour. Getting him diagnosed and treated with the right meds could help him settle. I know this because I had a similar experience with a sibling and the diagnosis and the right treatment helped him alot. I hope this helps. Stay strong and do what you need to do to have your peace of mind but you can forward this info to your mum..just in case.
greetings ~ thank you for providing coping advice. i am adding a comment in hopes someone may have familiarity with handling relationships when nieces/nephews are factors to consider within cases of sibling estrangements.
i have an adult sibling who has issues with rage/bullying directed towards me sporadically over a long period of time. while we have not lived in the same city our entire adulthoods, we are part of a close family and see one another 2 – 4 times per year; for multiple days each visit.
i have no children and my sister has one. when my niece was born, our family all got together at the least 4x/year for first 8 years.
the rage and bullying fortunately disappeared when my sibling became a mom. unfortunately for me it returned (unexpectedly) after a 6 year respite. …and having a 6 yr old niece (at the time) in the mix created a whole new level of toxicity for me to start trying to sort.
at this point, estrangement is my option. i’m hurt, yet wish to do the best for my niece. i do not anticipate anymore contact with my sister nor bro-in-law. i plan to still acknowledge special occasions and holidays for my niece (i will send cards/tokens via the mail) & recently i have sent brief upbeat or silly texts.
i don’t want to create an awkward situation for my niece by only recognizing her. i don’t want to not recognize her and ever leave her wondering.
i do not want to base my behavior on what i want nor will i offer my sister the option to weigh-in. i want to do what is emotionally healthiest for my 12y.o. niece…. ?? : )
i have “fresh wounds”, so helpful anecdotes and/or positive feedback are most welcome.
thank you for considerations.
Toxic relationships are hell!
Thank goodness for the first time an article that doesn’t blame the injured person for the harmful and hurtful way they have been treated by others. Refreshing!
Sorry, I’m late to the party on this post. I’ve just discovered this article and have read it so many times because it’s so similar to my own scenario – I’m dying to know if the author ever rekindled some sort of relationship with their sibling…?
In my situation, my sister completely stonewalled me out of the blue, for no apparent reason. It happened so suddenly, I can actually pinpoint the exact date that it happened. I tried reaching out multiple times to ask if she was ok, what I did to upset her etc, and she would always shut down the conversation, either by denying, deflecting, or attacking.
My theory is that it relates to her partner. I feel that he’s narcissistic, but historically we both made an effort to be diplomatic with each other. However, over time his need be in complete control of his relationships (including the platonic one between he and I) became too much for me. I gently established some boundaries, and I think that really angered him. I can’t substantiate it, but my gut feeling is that he gave my sister an ultimatum.
It’s now been over a year, and my sister has expressed some desire to reconnect. But when we do, it’s often in the company of her partner, and there’s always some underlying passive-aggression. I’m finding it really hard to engage in a healthy way. I feel as though she wants to have a friendship, but if our relationship is indirectly undermining her marriage, it’s obviously hard for her.
I personally think we both need some space, but I’m also concerned that she’s in a toxic marriage and might not be ok. Has anyone been on either side of this situation? If you had an estranged sibling, did you reconnect? If you were in a relationship that drove your family away, is there something you wish your family had done to help?
By Anyonomous? Really? This is the very first time I’ve seen this shocking situation here on TB. I believe if you’re going to consider giving advice on any topic, you need to be somewhat of an expert in your field. I didn’t want to read any further but I gave the “author” a chance. I sure wasn’t disappointed! Arm-chair psychology at it’s indeed worse! Since 1972, I have had an education in mental health. I’m a paid professional with two mental health degrees. NEVER would I give anyone advice on shutting out a family member – with the exception of a serious problem that’s against the law, such as abuse of any kind. Whatever does this poor coping method solve? Stuffing problems is no way to ever address situations. The issue never goes away but rather stays unresolved and unsolved. This is no forum for me to continue my points as I have several. Invite me to continue by presenting here and I’ll expound further on why NO CONTACT doesn’t work.
I come from a family of five siblings. Family has so many dynamics – narcissism, golden child, lost child, and scapegoat. I am/was the lost child and scapegoat (seen but not heard, loss, shy, and sensitive).They didn’t like when I called on something going on in the family dynamics and was shunned. Even as adult I feel they are still trying to box me in a corner. As an adults, they would rather tiptoe around issues instead of being direct, open, and honest. I told my brother and his wife that I don’t think their adult children don’t like me and it is, what it is. I just had an intuition and gut feeling about it because they never invite me over when they come to town. Just recently I had a meltdown with my younger sister. She told me I need to forgive some relatives that I helped out financially. I said you have got to be kidding, what do I have to forgive? The relatives should be asking for forgiveness. I basically let that go except I ask my sister for reimbursement, which I was paying for her and her daughter for approximately two years. It became a kerfuffle when her daughter decide to buy $1000 dog and addressed her daughter on this issue, but she refused to do so. I ask to be reimbursed, came a escalated contention, and I moved out of her house. I thought it would be just as easy to ask for $1000 back from a family member and they say no problem. In addition, I asked her why (even in 2007 email) she didn’t show up the first three days when our dad was dying because she was the only health care agent for him. So the response I received was your no longer my sister, don’t ever contact me again. I do better being estranged from my entire family because it’s to painful.
Family estrangements come and go in life. Just because you grew up with family doesn’t necessarily mean you will always be together. I have been estranged with my family on and off during the years. Family estrangement is so much the norm but never really discussed. If the relationship is so bad, another family member should not have to suffer. A good book to read is “Family Estrangement 1st Edition,”
by Kylie Agllias on Amazon that you can rent. Family dynamics can include narcissism, golden child, lost child, scapegoat, and combination of those and other traits. Sometimes you may go in low contact to no contact. I think it’s not pushing someone to be with the family but a recovery for themselves because they suffer from self-esteem, boundaries, and self-worth.
https://www.amazon.com/Family-Estrangement-Kylie-Agllias/dp/1472458613/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=family+estrangement&qid=1575809084&sr=8-5
Family estrangement has many dynamics involved that last for a lifetime recovery – narcissism, golden child, lost child, and scapegoats. In 2007, my sister was the primary caregiver for my dad and I questioned her in an email why she didn’t show up the first three days saying he was dying, day four went into cardiac arrest, and died in ICU two weeks later. I told her she loved him more than any other family member, expected her to be at his side, and help him along the way until other family members were notified. I think since I asked she refused to go. She did great in everything else for them but just puzzles me why she didn’t show up. I know she mentioned she had to work and go home to fix dinner. His birthday, holidays, and his death are hard for me. I done therapy on an off the years due from his death and family estrangement.
I have been estranged on and off for 30+ years since it seems sometimes too stressful and have more peace of mind with distance. I think you have to get away and get recovery through a therapist who will address family estrangement, self-worth, esteem, and acceptance/worth as a person. Family dynamics can be painful in adult years because you may may still be in the same role while growing up. Every family member as a role, which a few are narcissism, golden child, lost child, scapegoat, etc. My sister has a controlling husband and she does whatever he wants such as not see family members and having his way all the time. She is a 60 year old adult but is a passive wife.
Thank you. Shutting out family for “mental health” reasons has become a new cultish thing. As a sibling of one that cut off both of her parents and now me for calling her out on it I’m left holding the responsibility for our aging parents alone and I must admit I am furious that she has hurt them so badly and left me alone with the responsibility. I tell myself if I were an only child it wouldn’t have been different, so I don’t know why I’m still so angry. For my mental health I just consider her dead, or otherwise I get so mad when she doesn’t call either parent and I see their pain. We’re they perfect parents? No. But this reaction is horrible and undeserved. I think “therapy” warped her.
Awesome article, thankyou. My brother and father died last year and through expressing my giref and sadness to my siblings (which I thought was normal) they have ostracised me and made it quite clear they do not want to know how I feel. My closest sibling was my brother who died and so not only am I suffering grief from his death I now have this other feeling of loss which is the loss of friendship with my surviving siblings. Everything I do is seen as railing against them and so I have come to the conclusion that it just aint worth the effort. So sadly, although with some relief, I am gradually moving on and leaving behind the feeling of loss and sharing my grief with those people who are happy to listen. Thanks again for this, I am feeling much more reassured.
Thanks for the advice❤
My neice married a Disgusting human being, extreme narcissist, and estranged her from all of her family members. My neices mother was the first to be estranged and it broke her heart and soul. She died at 42 from early Alzheimer’s from the stress of the estrangement.
Now, I’m next. But he won’t do the same to me. I’ve set my boundaries.
The narcissist always wins. They find the women who are low self esteem, vulnerable, and desperate. To all the woman out their. Please be wiser on picking your future husbands. It will effect your life, your family’s well being, and your life.
Please love yourself first and set boundaries, before you start a family.
Family are overrated and you can do perfectly fine without them. Haven’t spoken to mine properly in nearly 20 years.
Wasn’t even told my grandad had died 2 weeks ago.
Fcuk “family”.
This is such great advice thank you, your relationship with your sister and parents sounds exactly the same, I’m 25 she’s 23, I’m giving her until She’s 26 to change, then I have to make some tough choices… That’s when consequences are often recognised. ❤️
I haven’t talked to my older brother in 10 years now. It took me a long time to accept that this was what needed to be. I know I did nothing wrong. We never got along as kids so as adults why would that be any different. I grew up and he still acts the same as when we were kids. He was always angry and jealous towards me. Emotionally abusive. Threatened to kill me as a child when he was a teenager. My mom always defended his actions until he started being mean to her and then finally cut her out of his life too which was very confusing since she was always on his side. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s a narcissist and he didn’t want his new wife to know who he really is so he’s made up a life without us to make himself look good and the rest of the family are just bad. I often wonder what he’s told her about us and if he will eventually abuse her too. Maybe he has found a women that will believe all his lies. Idk. I feel sad for her. He will never be apart of my life now and I’m fine with that.
As an adult you decide what relationships to have. Your mom needs to stay away from it now and realize it’s not her place. My mom tried to be referee between my brother and I but always seemed to take my brothers side so I stopped talking to her about my brother and when she would bring him up I would just tell her I didn’t want to talk about him. Eventually he shunned her too so now he has nothing to do with me or my mom and haven’t talked him in 10 years. Best 10 years!
Really appreciate this.
One thing I’d like to not is that the advice here is very much in line with what therapists at top clinics have to say on the matter.
The difficult bit is working out how it applies to you as an individual. “Identify in what
ways the relationship may be toxic and how it makes you feel.” is great advice but there are many layers to it and if you feel disempowered by abusive or imbalanced family relationships it’s worth having a therapist with you on that journey.
One point missed here is that dealing with this is about creating choices in your life. Often
when we ask people’s counsel on this we get forced into very narrow solutions (e.g. assertiveness training and speaking up) or thinking we “have to” maintain these relationships. Low grade therapists also try and force patients into this. None of these solutions (especially assertiveness training) get to the root of the problem and at best will
lead to burying the root issues you have.
Have a very imbalanced relationship with my family and it wasn’t until I was progressing with therapy as it was and my then therapist suggested I work out what choices I have, instead of having to do this and that, that I made headway. One sister in particular, while we can have a certain level of heart to heart, there are limitations and she flips out
for no reason and often gets ideas into her head too easily (a classic she keeps getting into her head is that I don’t know about my career, when that is patently untrue) and on these occasions she ambushes me with gaslighting attacks. It’s at the point where her eldest is responding to her gaslighting by squaring up to her. Accepting there may be no way through, particularly given her narcissistic nature. was hugely liberating. Also in relation to therapy there are many ways to empower yourself with inner child work and getting to the root of your negative responses so you are empowered when around more honest and open people, instead of automatically being defensive. Standing up for yourself, when it comes down to a narcissist, doesn’t cut the mustard.
I am sorry to say this but you are in complete denial. By saying that “therapy warped her”, you obviously don’t believe that therapy can help anyone and you are probably too afraid to even give it a try in case the therapist would trigger things that you may not like about yourself or others. No, cutting ties with your family is not a “new cultish thing”. And you didn’t have to take care of your parents if you didn’t want to. I am sure they probably have a lot of other family members to help them out. Or you can also ask external people to take care of them. (nurse services, food deliveries, in-home personal care etc.)
If you are angry about that, it’s clearly time for you to seek help.
Thanks for posting this. I have something similar to your story but with a different twist. My younger siblings are rude and behave bossy towards me but to the parents they are good. In front of parents they are good and behind my parents they are unkind to me. Recently mum and dad are unwell , my younger siblings step up to serve them which is good. But whenever I want to help my siblings said I am not helping so I let go and let them do what they want. I feel bad for my mum and dad… my question here is by letting go the responsibilities for my siblings to fill in to serve my parents and accepting they are like that makes me feel bad towards my parents. How do I still be good to my parents without crossing pathway with my siblings?
I have been looking everywhere for an article that focuses on this subject and always come up dry. Thank you for writing this, from the bottom of my heart. It really hit home. I am going to save it and refer to it again and again.