Hi everyone,

Am  lost these days, and I feel I have no one to turn to. I really hope posting this here and hearing from others helps in clearing my mind.

My relationship story is long but I will give a brief outline here.

I am 25 year old gay woman. I got into a relationship with a married woman about 2 years ago. She fell for me the day she saw me which was 3 years ago. Initially the idea of being with a married person felt very wrong. I conveyed my feelings to her,In fact I wasn’t even sure I liked her that much. She convinced me, threatened me saying she would die without me. She also told many other lies ,many of which she herself confessed to only recently. I was at a vulnerable age, She was very caring, she gave me her complete attention, all of which I liked, but still I had questions about the future. She said she would move to a more tolerant country and then apply for a divorce. I always had my doubts about sustaining this relationship because it was mostly long distant. we met in person every 6 months or so. She was living with her husband in a different country, she assured me it was only a matter of time before she left him. Mean while I was very unsure about the whole thing.  I applied for a new job and I moved to a different place one year ago. she was supportive all through my job hunting process although we had fights almost every day. I was afraid of her emotional rants, it kept going somehow. I also think I was selfish in using her for emotional needs as I had no one else.

After I moved to the new place, it was getting more and more difficult, I told her recently that I don’t think this would work anymore and that is when she started’abusing’ me. She would threaten me by saying she would kill herself. I felt very scared, I didn’t know what to do. I consoled her and  made her promise once that she wouldn’t hurt herself. But the stress continued. She would stay online the whole night and then call me early in the morning cry, beg, shout at me for me to go back to her. I try very hard not to agitate her more. This has been going on for the past 3 weeks. She thinks I used her as my emotional support and now I am dumping her. She says she really loves me, and that she is speeding up the separation process. I don’t know what is true any more. I don’t even know if I loved her in the first place or may be I was too selfish in using her as she says. These days she is becoming quite unstable. I don’t know if what she is doing to me qualifies as emotional abuse. I have a feeling it is. She has given me her time for the last 3 years, her life revolved around me. she feels her life has no purpose anymore. I am scared she would hurt herself.

I used to practice meditation before this relationship began, I had a clear sense of right and wrong. Now I don’t.

Would be glad to receive suggestions here.