Home→Forums→Relationships→First Time For Everything
- This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by
Isra.
-
AuthorPosts
-
October 2, 2017 at 2:57 pm #171315
IsraParticipantI’m mostly just typing this out to get things off my chest, because it feels pretty heavy today.
I was broken up with this morning. This being the first time I have been on the receiving end. But, I did not cry. I didn’t feel anything other than confusion at first, followed with disappointment.
He got my hopes up.
Like… a lot.
As in, we seemed to have similar life goals, things we had in common, lots of fun little moments, ease of discussion… I couldn’t find any issues that were grand enough to make me not want to be with him, even his depression and anxiety. I listened to him so many times and he claimed he was really happy with me, going so far as to say he ‘loved’ me (a little too soon, but I disregarded it, foolishly).
He really had me fooled into thinking he cared about me so much and wanted me in his life. If you love someone, how can you go from ‘I care about you a lot and want you to be okay, I’m always here for you, I’m so glad to have you in my life’ to four days later- with no warning, no text, no ‘I have something I’m concerned about’- deciding you don’t even want to try? When you claimed you were the sort to ‘talk things out’ and ‘who knows, maybe third time’s the charm’? Who gets someone’s hopes up like that then suddenly backs off?
I feel like a dagger was just thrown into my chest and twisted. I don’t understand how things could feel so wrong when nothing was wrong, and when I had genuine hope this could have gone well. He claims I helped him with his issues, and then suddenly when I’m going through something, he decides he ‘doesn’t want to burden me’ and leaves.
I just feel…. played. Like he never intended for things to go far, and only said what he thought I’d want to hear.
But I won’t give him that satisfaction.
He deals with a lot, and I will respect that. I will respect his decision to break up, and I hope he gets his life figured out, because I know he struggles with a lot from the past as well. I will respect that he overthinks, and maybe this was a result of that, but it’s done now. And I’ve had enough of giving my heart out to people who don’t want to do anything with it and won’t even bother trying.
I trusted him. He shattered me this morning. So much so that I’m not even thoroughly angry at him. I’m just shocked, if even a bit upset with myself for not seeing this coming. But it isn’t my fault, and I’ll try not to blame him either. That won’t get either of us anywhere.
Long story short, I have received a profound slap to the face. And it has pushed me farther than I thought possible.
I did learn a few things though.
First, if it feels too good to be true, it probably is.
Second, if something feels off suddenly, chances are- it is.
And third, even if someone rips my heart out at this point, I’m strong enough to wish them well and carry on with my life, because I do not get pushed onto the ground for long. I may cry, I might scream and get so frustrated I want to tear these walls down, but in the end: I will get up. I will straighten my goddamn crown. And I will keep going down the path I have chosen.
Because I don’t quit.
October 2, 2017 at 7:48 pm #171335
XenopusTexParticipantRelationships are strange things. You never, ever, really know 100% what the other person is thinking about. You never know why people do what they do… men leaving great women for more “interesting” options … intelligent and beautiful women dating “gutter trash” because they think they can “fix” them… all sorts of things.
I know a beautiful and intelligent woman of Scandinavian descent who after getting divorced from her prior PoS husband just “had” to have a particular guy, and is just now learning that he has a violent streak that is helped along by binge drinking. She comes from a family of rather significant means and connections, who really did not approve of her selection. I guess that love is truly deaf, dumb, and blind.
I know a guy who divorced his wife of several years to go and marry a slightly younger and “better equipped” model… the results weren’t so great for him (his ex-wife is now married to a petroleum engineer with an international Europe-based oil company). He’s, well, um… let’s just say that I’d find the situation insufferable.
What do the two of them have in common? Not checking on the warning signs. Not being willing to pull the plug when it should have been pulled.
The old saying is quite true… if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Promises of 200% returns on investments, promises of love and the like forever and ever, etc.. Have come to one conclusion, maybe I’m just normally this jaded… or maybe it comes with the job, but people will say/do pretty much whatever they think is necessary to get them what they want.
Be thankful that you did not get hurt with the periods of anxiety/depression/etc.
October 3, 2017 at 4:28 am #171345
InkyParticipantHi Isra,
He JUST broke up with you! Give yourself permission today to scream, cry, rant, sleep, eat a quart of ice cream, call in sick and binge watch a favorite show. The good news is you don’t have to be the bigger person or get philosophical. At least not today.
Maybe his depression was too much for him and he broke up with you during a particularly grey mood. He is not well, and when people are not well, their decisions can reflect that.
The only real danger, believe it or not, is that he may try to get back together with you after he finds the right cocktail of medications or even has a sandwich and feels better albeit lonely.
I view this as The Universe telling you that you need to be with an emotionally healthy guy the next time around.
Best,
Inky
October 3, 2017 at 8:28 am #171361
AnonymousGuestDear Isra:
I took a few hours this morning reading your threads starting December 2015 all the way to the present. I did so for the purpose of trying to understand you better, to learn and hopefully to be somewhat helpful to you. These are my thoughts:
In the context of relationships, friendships, romantic (and I am thinking otherwise, such as maybe with family members although there is no such sharing on your part), you feel trapped, burdened, stuck, confined, caged in with acute distress. Dec 2015 you wrote: “All of the world’s miseries for some reason I placed upon my shoulders and felt regret and guilt, even for things that weren’t my fault, as though somehow I was to blame“. Pre-existing guilt is part of that distress.
In August 2017 you wrote: “In the past I have become stuck in several emotionally damaging relationships, friendships or otherwise, and I refuse to get stuck there again”.
You also wrote Aug 2017: “as soon as I started dating him (ex boyfriend), my anxiety came back just as strong as it’s ever been”- I believe your anxiety has to do with that stuck, caged in distress.
I think that when a boyfriend or a potential boyfriend shares with you their distress, perhaps any amount of distress, an acute distress in you is triggered. What happens next is that you distant yourself from the person, beginning to think about their undesirability, and undoing emotional attachment to that person.
November 2016 you wrote: “Slowly and slowly I began to see just how pessimistic he (ex boyfriend) was, … long story short, after intensive thinking, we are no longer together and I am quite happy with my choice. I don’t think I’ve felt this free for a while…” You thought intensively about his undesirability as a boyfriend and freed yourself from emotional attachment to him.
December 2016 you wrote: “He (ex boyfriend) asked me how it was so easy for me to move on, how it seemed like I never cared… I care about him, but I stopped loving him. It took everything in me to stay so many times…”- this is the emotional distancing motivated by your need to eliminate your distress.
July 2017 you wrote: “my ex started going through a rough time, but whenever I could tell he needed to talk, he always turned to someone else instead. He insisted he just didn’t want to cause me pain by sharing his own”.
I think that he didn’t want to cause you pain because he noticed how distressed you were when he shared with you his distress and he probably noticed your emotional withdrawal from him when he shared with you and this is why he turned to someone else.
In today’s thread you wrote about the recent guy: “then suddenly when I’m going through something, he decides he ‘doesn’t want to burden me’ and leaves”- he too didn’t want to burden you, to cause you pain. I am thinking that he too noticed how distressed you get when he shares his distress, and perhaps he noticed your emotional withdrawal as a result.
If I am correct then this elevated distress in relationships is triggered or is likely to be triggered with any amount of distress a man will express to you, sooner or later. And then, if I am correct, you will respond by intense thinking of his undesirability as a boyfriend and emotional withdrawal.
One more thing: I think that your distress regarding feeling trapped with a person, is what motivates you to feel uncomfortable with solid plans as in education and future employment, what fuels your desire to travel extensively and planning (already) to not have children (July 2017: ” What seemed to hit me this morning was this: Maybe I’m unable to form a solid plan, because my spirit doesn’t take well to having a rigid plan. I don’t like being confined to one path or one possibility”.
Hope you share your thoughts and feelings about my analysis of this morning.
anita
October 3, 2017 at 5:03 pm #171441IsraParticipantThank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, I appreciate it.
While the insight for the past me is probably accurate, I have to say that in this case, I did nothing to warrant this reaction. Several times he’d had a depressive spell I remained myself, listening to him and giving what support I could in the form of a listening ear and hugs if he needed them, and the occasional word of advice when he wanted it. His problems did not affect me. He did not “notice how distressed” I got when he shared his issues, because I did not get distressed. I no longer take issue with the problems of others. I empathize with them and realize I cannot fix them, and don’t want to change them. It is up to them to want to change. Therefore, I no longer get stressed with that sort of thing.
The only relevance I could think of is if he believed my sad spell was because of him- which it had nothing to do with him at all, and everything to do with starting college and trying to figure out how I would manage homework and being involved on campus. This break up came out of nowhere, and he didn’t explain himself at all. After sharing this with my friends, many of them became more irritated than I was, saying they couldn’t believe he would do such a thing. Especially after his comments of ‘wanting a long term relationship’ and ‘being willing to talk things through.’ When his words counted, he did neither of these things. This makes everything he’s ever said to me feel empty, as though he never cared- though of course, this is the hurt talking. Maybe he did care at the time.
The consensus is that his depression and anxiety led him to suddenly- within days- decide he would just cause me problems or that it was too much for him to handle right now, despite previous conversations we’ve had. Despite everything he’d said. Despite making me believe everything was fine, and if something wasn’t fine, we would talk it out. Instead I received a sudden punch in the gut with hardly any explanation before he just walked away, end of story. Everything we had the past few months feels like a lie to me. It was as if he was suddenly an entirely different person with whom I had no history, the opposite side of a coin- as if I just woke up from a dream and in its place was nothing.
There was no emotional withdrawal, nor was there thinking of his undesirability as a boyfriend. For him, I was more than ready to work through rough patches with his depression, because I honestly saw a good heart in him despite it all. I was willing to stay and choose him time and time again. He’d made comments about me being too good for him, and about not deserving this. Maybe this contributed, I don’t know- but I do know he doesn’t hold himself to a high regard at all.
In the end, I’m too used to wanting to blame myself for everything. This time, I know there is nothing I could have done differently. This is his making, and now he will have to live with his decision- I just hope for him it was the right one, and that in the future he chooses his words more carefully if he’s just going to run away at the first sign of trouble, like he himself stated he does with his past: run from it.
Thank you very much for the support. Too often I only hear the words ‘move on’ and no acknowledgement of how it makes me feel currently. I try not to be angry, but this was an offense that I couldn’t just keep calm over when I finally got home and was able to go over what happened. Rather than cry I’ve taken to writing all my feelings out and singing music that fits my mood.
And you’re right, the worst thing that could happen is if he suddenly comes back with apologies. In which case I will have to explain that he has practically shattered my trust with the approach he took, and that unless he shows me he’s working to change himself, there’s no way I’d go back to him after this. Normally I’m one to believe in second chances. Not this time. And I’m the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I feel similarly about what you said with the Universe. For some reason the Universe likes to send me confirmation through animal sightings sometimes (I believe in signs), and usually deer. Last night there were several of them in the backyard suddenly, which isn’t exactly a common occurrence- enough for me to believe it was the Universe saying this was meant to happen and it was okay. I believe that perhaps the Universe set us up hoping he would choose to try, but when he decided not to, it no longer had potential to work. That, or this was all just an attempt to show me that I can withstand pain like this and choose myself over something so toxic. Either way it’s a learning experience.
And even though I feel as though my chances of finding a compatible partner are slim, at least this has shown me I feel I can get very close. Someone preferably with a positive mood and who is as determined to work through things as I am.
October 4, 2017 at 5:39 am #171471AnonymousGuestDear Isra:
It may very well be that “in this case, I did nothing to warrant this reaction”- since I read your writings only yesterday, I remember that you experienced a lot of relief in a few months of therapy when the therapist suggested to you that it was nothing you did to warrant the behavior of that suicidal friend you had, or the friend after her.
Of course you did nothing to warrant suicide threats or this man’s depression and anxiety. Those were in place before he met you.
* Of the many hundreds of people whose writings I read on the site, you are the youngest (a young teenager in 2015) and most cerebral person I came across. Your intellect is so dominant, it amazes me.
anita
October 4, 2017 at 8:05 pm #171627IsraParticipantAnita:
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my posts, I always appreciate you taking the time to do so.
As my anger is already beginning to subside- my anger never does last too long- I can begin to move past this event. Instead, I will use it as the fuel I need to kick things back into gear and plunge into my studies, as well as my newfound friendships.
I forgive him for the pain he has given me, and I can understand where he is coming from, wherever he is coming from. Even if I may never understand his true motives, I choose to appreciate the time we had, however short-lived it was. I truly think he is a soul in tremendous pain who doesn’t believe he deserves much, if anything, and I hope one day he can find peace within himself and his past… and I hope one day he is able to find someone else to love, someone he will not run away from. But until then I suppose this is the way things must be.
I guess, in a way, one lesson to be taken might include no matter how much you try to fool-proof things, there is still the chance that it won’t work out as well as you hope. It might- but you also might have to learn to rebound from undesirable results. The important thing is to not give up that one day it may work out for the best after all. But in that rebound you get to learn how strong you are and grow in ways you didn’t expect. Kind of like a continuing polishing of your character, in a sense.
I will carry all of this with me moving forward from here.
October 5, 2017 at 6:04 am #171675AnonymousGuestDear Isra:
You are welcome. You wrote: “no matter how much you try to fool-proof things, there is still the chance that it won’t work out”- I concur, you can only increase the chances of a relationship working out, not guarantee it.
anita
October 6, 2017 at 10:58 am #171897
HenryParticipantIts no excuse.
You have every right to be disgusted with him and the situation. Period.
Although it’s clearly his problem…
Anxiety, depression, what the problem I don’t care..
Hes still no fool and he needs to learn that you can’t do what he’s doing to people and trying to pawn it off as if he’s doing you some kind of favor.
What bothers me most about this situation is the way he did this. Very insensitive to your feelings. He should be more mature and in tune than that.
If his problems cause him to act ‘that’ erratic he needs to address that before getting into some relationship. Although I do commend your insight and compassion for him – it doesn’t mean his problems need to effect you as well.
Nothing should be this complicated it hurt like that.
Although it makes you wonder sometimes if the happy medium with all this is to simply spend time with others and call it day.
I know… I know… it sounds empty and uninspiring. Especially as you get older. It seems to go against our very nature… and it is a little no matter how we try to dress it up and bring so called wisdom to it.
Being with the person or even the “one” you love and cherish is a beauftul thing like nothing else and most all people are built to want that and be a little vulnerable to another person. To me it seems to give life purpose – but geez I see it backfiring for so many too.
October 14, 2017 at 8:00 am #173117IsraParticipantThank you for your reply; for some reason I wasn’t alerted there had been another, so only now am I seeing this!
I have to say, I agree with what you mentioned that he can’t use depression and anxiety as an excuse to hurt others and then, as you said, “pawn it off” as some sort of favor. That is very much part of what enraged me, because I had hoped even with these issues I would be worth the effort, especially since he’d claimed I helped him with it by being so understanding. In a way he’s just letting himself believe he will cause others to be pushed away, and so he cuts ties, regardless as to whether the other person would actually leave- instead of wanting to get help in the first place.
I still have empathy towards him, because I have had depression and know how messed up it can make you think and feel. However, having recovered from depression, I also understand that I had no right to use it as some trump card against others through any means. I can’t use it for emotional manipulation just because I feel bad.
I can’t completely forgive him for the way he ended things between us, but I can forgive him for being a broken person, and I will have to in order to move forward. I have deleted his number and removed him as a friend, because even though he said he wanted to be friends, I just don’t trust him anymore. And I don’t plan on him coming around trying to apologize, either.
~
I have successfully distanced myself from him, and even though we share several classes at school, his presence is beginning to not bother me at all. The other day he even moved to the other side of the room- whether this was because of me, I can’t be certain, though my friend noticed as well. I can look at him and hear his voice without cowering away because I understand that what has been done to me is wrong, and I have no reason to be ashamed or be made smaller because of his immature actions.
One good thing that has come out of this is that I have received support from numerous people, even those I don’t yet know too well at college. They heard about what happened and went on the defensive for me, telling me a lot of supportive things.
Even if it sounds strange to “spend time with others and call it a day,” honestly, that is sometimes the best feeling. To have people around you, that you know you can talk to, and then go home for an evening of peace at the end of each day.
Either way my frustration with this situation is still coming in brief waves, usually in the evening when I don’t think as clearly. But I am no longer waking up sick, and if anything it has given me a kick start to loving myself more and building up my courage and self-respect.
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 